New here- worried that my boundaries are impossible to enforce.

[MamaLlamaDrama]

I found this site a few weeks ago and it has been a godsend. My therapist suggested that my MIL may had BPD and since then I have been diving in head first to learn as much as possible.I'm sorry for the novel I'm posting. There have been issues since wedding planning, but everything came to a head when I had my daughter over a year ago. During the pregnancy MIL made it obvious that she didn't care about my well being as much as she was "so excited" for HER granddaughter. There were lines crossed and she was upset with decisions we made during the pregnancy. I had to have a planned csection at 39 weeks. Everything was fine with myself and the baby, but she was breech and stuck in that position. It was safest to proceed with a csection. I've had surgery before and react very negatively to medicine. I knew that there was a huge possibility of me being sick post surgery and I knew I wanted time between having my baby and letting my in laws come to the hospital. I suggested to my husband not telling them the date of the surgery. He considered it but he as well as my mom convinced me to give my inlaws the benefit of the doubt. So my husband told them the date. Stated that I just wanted my mom there post surgery and that we would let them know when they could come to the hospital. I didn't want them in the waiting room because that felt like pressure to me. I knew I would feel guilty about having my mom come see us and having them wait in the waiting room. I wanted everyone to have their own time with the baby as well as have my own time to recover.The day of the surgery came and mine got pushed back for a couple emergency sections. His mom was blowing up his phone asking questions. "will the baby be brought into the nursery" "So you'll just let us know when to come?"I knew at that time that they would be there when we came out of surgery and she was hoping the baby would be in a nursery so she could see her. Of course what I thought would happen happened. They were there. With heaps of presents and a passive aggressive attitude. We let them come in the room just after my mom. I vomited on myself in front of them while I was opening unwanted presents. They stayed for a bit and then they ended up coming back again later with my BIL.  
My husband and I discussed reinforcing our boundaries once the newborn stage was over. Giving everyone the time with the new baby that they deserved and then bringing up how upset we were that our wishes were not respected. Well we never got this opportunity. My MIL blew up at my husband one day a few weeks later when we rescheduled a visit with her. She called my mom a bitch and said my mom shoved her in the waiting room. There was no way this happened. She also stated that my father in law said he would never visit us again because of what happened at the hospital. Since then it has completely snowballed. There have been so many conversations and fingers pointed. My mother in law refuses to accept any blame. My father in law completely enables her. She has said horrible things about me to their extended family and my husbands brothers. It has been heartbreaking. My husband has had to realize things about his mother and family that he never did before. We've been in therapy together and separately for a little over a year and I'm fairly certain it has saved our marriage. about 3 months ago my BIL got married. during the reception my MIL cornered my husband while he was speaking to a few other people and raged about me. The next morning when he went to go pick something up from their house we got ambushed into another conversation where she screamed at me and called me a child. He hasn't spoken to his mother since. We aren't seeing his family for christmas. We are seeing his brother's separately. The brothers want absolutely nothing to do with the drama and we have mostly kept them out of it. We're sure they're hearing things from MIL but we can't control that. My husband is unsure of how he wants to proceed. I don't have much hope for the situation but am learning as much about  BPD as I possibly can. My fear is my next pregnancy. We are starting to plan for that and I'm terrified of what that will bring. I don't want my In laws having any information about it and I just don't know how to ensure that. I know that my husband would agree to not telling his parents the due date, but do we then not tell his brothers? His brothers will almost certainly tell his parents if they ask. My birth with my daughter was so traumatic- not just for reasons with my in laws but that definitely is the huge factor. I'm already seen as such a villain and I'm doing my best to not let that get to me. This also just scratches the surface of the issues. This one is at the forefront of my mind because I'm so ready for another baby but so worried about the drama it will bring. My MIL says their whole town knows she doesn't know her granddaughter and makes sure to send the largest gifts possible. I just want to be left alone and I know that isn't going to happen. Thank you for reading my VERY long post. I've seen so many similarities in posts here and if nothing else it's so nice to know we're not crazy.

[kiwigal]

I am just so so sorry for what you are going through. You are not alone.
My own journey has a lot of similarities to yours. It is the most bewildering experience to marry into such extreme levels of dysfunction and manipulation.
This site has been a wealth of tools and support to me - and truly has made such a difference. Most of us who have been victimised by these people have the same traits: we are empathic, highly self aware and have something that triggers jealousy in the BPD person.
Can you identify what might have been the trigger point for your MIL with your babies delivery?
Not that its excusable, because it really isn't, but sometimes it helps to bring insight into what sets them off to fury.

[MamaLlamaDrama]

Thank you so much. Just knowing I'm not alone is so helpful.

I am just so so sorry for what you are going through. You are not alone.
My own journey has a lot of similarities to yours. It is the most bewildering experience to marry into such extreme levels of dysfunction and manipulation.
This site has been a wealth of tools and support to me - and truly has made such a difference. Most of us who have been victimised by these people have the same traits: we are empathic, highly self aware and have something that triggers jealousy in the BPD person.
Can you identify what might have been the trigger point for your MIL with your babies delivery?
Not that its excusable, because it really isn't, but sometimes it helps to bring insight into what sets them off to fury.

I'm extremely close with my mom. She is truly my best friend. I think she is very intimidated by my relationship with my mom and her lack of anything substantial with my husband. During one of the fights after the delivery his mom mentioned to my husband that she and FIL were so disappointed. That they hadn't raised him to be controlled. He was stunned. She then backtracked and said she was talking about my mother controlling him, not me controlling him. Either thing is laughable as I can't get my husband to let me get a cat let alone alienate him from his family. What she doesn't understand is that up until a few months ago my main goal was to find a way to coexist with them. I wanted my husband and daughter to have his side of the family. Family is the most important thing to me and I would never give that up easily.

[kiwigal]

I wish I could hug you! We are walking such similar roads. I really really get it.
I too am very close to my mum. And my husband is supportive of me.
It is such a trigger point for them, isn't it?
Be mindful too of the Father in law - as they are often enablers. As is likely the wider family.. they learn to be. We call them here, 'the monkey's'

I wrote something recently that I will post here.. I know you will relate.
PS. I externalised the BPD is the problem rather than the MIL.

Dear Problem.
I’ve never thought much about how to describe you.
At times you seemed so large, so looming, so terrifying. Like a shadow ready to pounce the moment I upset you. It was easy to upset you, I learned: Simply don’t comply.
Then in the days to come, I questioned myself as empathy filled my being and I saw you as hurting. And then you seemed so small. Just a dose of compliance away from calm.
I learnt you had companions. If I upset you, I upset your crew. We sometimes call that crew, the monkeys. Only your monkeys aren’t funny. Or cute.
But back to you. I’ve noticed something.
Sometimes I can move away from you.
I just say, “This is what I need”. Then I move towards my needs. That’s it, really.
Sometimes when I do that, you are really demanding. You start throwing questions at me, lots of them. They are like your weapon of choice. You put on a big person judge hat and demand that I sit in the chair of accused while I undergo interrogation. When I see your court room, I sometimes feel so helpless.
But here’s the thing, problem. Whenever we are in the ‘room’, it’s the same rhetoric. You sit their demanding what you need: control.
Yet I’ve noticed something. If I stop explaining, if I stop engaging, it is like your guards of guilt and obligation let their grip go, and I get passed a little note from my other self that say’s; ‘Don’t forget you can walk out of here’.
You know what, Problem?
When I walk out of that room, I am reminded that we all have a choice.
So, I’m changing my relationship with you.
Firstly, at the moment, I am healing. Healing both of my fear of speaking up and the wounds I’ve born from yourself.
So, I give myself permission to heal. To find flowers and beauty and sunshine. To choose softly. To give my energy to where it matters most.
To step aside and get space from your storm.
I won’t create a false shelter for you by being obliging.
Because you like me, get to choose.
It’s time for you, problem, to grow up.
I pray you will learn to recognise true relationship can exist, without control.
For now, I accept the invitation towards becoming centred and whole and being myself.

[kiwigal]

Thank you so much. Just knowing I'm not alone is so helpful. I'm extremely close with my mom. She is truly my best friend. I think she is very intimidated by my relationship with my mom and her lack of anything substantial with my husband. During one of the fights after the delivery his mom mentioned to my husband that she and FIL were so disappointed. That they hadn't raised him to be controlled. He was stunned. She then backtracked and said she was talking about my mother controlling him, not me controlling him. Either thing is laughable as I can't get my husband to let me get a cat let alone alienate him from his family. What she doesn't understand is that up until a few months ago my main goal was to find a way to coexist with them. I wanted my husband and daughter to have his side of the family. Family is the most important thing to me and I would never give that up easily.

I share this core value with you. Family and connection are highly important to me. And controlling behaviour just isn't my style! I am so sorry she said that about you, or your mother, its so insidious. Ive had to alter my desires for family connection on that side significantly in order to unhook and create good boundaries. If you had to define your boundaries for family, what is your bottom line? ie.. "I am only interested in relationship that... "

[GaGrl]

Welcome!  

Although the reason for your joining us is frustrating and stressful, we're glad you found your way to us. There are a number of people here who have had similar experiences and who can help and support you.

My step-grandmother was undiagnosed BPD/NPD. She married my grandad when my mom was only six years old (her bio mother died in a second pregnancy when my mom was four).

My parents experienced the "baby comes home from hospital" drama, with SGM showing up to direct the proceedings. Something was said (who knows), and SGM insulted the other grandparents, which angered my otherwise cool and calm dad. After four years of dealing with his MIL's controlling and inappropriate behavior, this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Dad decided there was no way he could live and rear his family in the same city with her interference. Within six weeks, he moved us 200 miles away. We maintained what would be called a low contact relationship with them.

I knew something was off with my step-grandmother early on. I did not know she was a "step" until I was 10 and Dad explained. I was relieved I didn't share genes with her.

I was fortunate to have a parent who could maintain strong boundaries and support the child of a disordered family. The stress on my mother was wearing.

It's good -- so good! -- that your husband's eyes are wide open about his mom's behaviors and that he prioritizes your marriage and family health over appeasing his mother. And so good that you support him!

[kiwigal]

I dont know if you listen to podcasts, but this one is by a neurosurgeon and I have listened to it no less than 10 times! So has my hubby. Hope it helps too;
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/narcissistic-relationships/id1403541244?i=1000459224933

[MamaLlamaDrama]

That was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Tears in my eyes at how familiar that feels.

If you had to define your boundaries for family, what is your bottom line? ie.. "I am only interested in relationship that... "

This is a wonderful question. I am only interested in a relationship that loves and supports without ulterior motives.
I've had that all my life with my parents and siblings. I'm lucky enough to have that relationship with my close friends, and now my husband.

I've had toxic relationships before. I dated a man on and off for 7 years and he was no peach. That relationship has left it's scars but I think it also prepared me for this. I know that his issues were not my fault, just as I know her issues with me are not really about me. Most of the time I remember that. It gets harder when other family is involved.

My FIL's enabling behavior is baffling. I think that's the hardest part for my husband. He feels so guilty and sorry for his dad. He knows his mom is the one with the huge issues but his dad doesn't get to know our daughter either because he sides with her. I don't expect him to side with us, but it's frustrating when my husband states irrefutable facts and my FIL still denies it.

My parents experienced the "baby comes home from hospital" drama, with SGM showing up to direct the proceedings. Something was said (who knows), and SGM insulted the other grandparents, which angered my otherwise cool and calm

I knew something was off with my step-grandmother early on. I did not know she was a "step" until I was 10 and Dad explained. I was relieved I didn't share genes with her.

I was fortunate to have a parent who could maintain strong boundaries and support the child of a disordered family. The stress on my mother was wearing.

It's good -- so good! -- that your husband's eyes are wide open about his mom's behaviors and that he prioritizes your marriage and family health over appeasing his mother. And so good that you support him!

Thank you soo so much! Again I'm in tears as I read this. My biggest worry is for my daughter and that she'll resent us for keeping her at arms length (at the very least) from her grandmother. It's so reassuring to hear from a granddaughter who is appreciative of the steps her parents took to protect her. I cannot begin to express what this means to me.

[MamaLlamaDrama]

I dont know if you listen to podcasts, but this one is by a neurosurgeon and I have listened to it no less than 10 times! So has my hubby. Hope it helps too;
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/narcissistic-relationships/id1403541244?i=1000459224933

I do! Thank you! I'm currently listening to Stop Walking on Eggshells. But will listen to this as well. Thank you!

[kiwigal]

You're just lovely. I can see why you have been a real trigger point for some toxic people around you.

We're here with you and standing with you 

Thanks for sharing with us.

[GaGrl]

That was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Tears in my eyes at how familiar that feels.
This is a wonderful question. I am only interested in a relationship that loves and supports without ulterior motives.
I've had that all my life with my parents and siblings. I'm lucky enough to have that relationship with my close friends, and now my husband.

I've had toxic relationships before. I dated a man on and off for 7 years and he was no peach. That relationship has left it's scars but I think it also prepared me for this. I know that his issues were not my fault, just as I know her issues with me are not really about me. Most of the time I remember that. It gets harder when other family is involved.

My FIL's enabling behavior is baffling. I think that's the hardest part for my husband. He feels so guilty and sorry for his dad. He knows his mom is the one with the huge issues but his dad doesn't get to know our daughter either because he sides with her. I don't expect him to side with us, but it's frustrating when my husband states irrefutable facts and my FIL still denies it.

Thank you soo so much! Again I'm in tears as I read this. My biggest worry is for my daughter and that she'll resent us for keeping her at arms length (at the very least) from her grandmother. It's so reassuring to hear from a granddaughter who is appreciative of the steps her parents took to protect her. I cannot begin to express what this means to me.

Knowing what I know now, I can say my family could have gone No Contact with my step-grandmother, and my sister and I would have missed nothing but some fine clothes. We received more than enough love and caring from my father's family -- proper grandparenting, acceptance, and lots of aunts, uncles, and cousins who enjoyed each other and treated everyone with respect. It's unfortunate your FIL is so far in the FOG that he cannot help.