Mod Note: this response was split from another post as it merits it's own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341619.0Hi Amelia Hope,
I just found this forum this morning, and I have spent the last four hours reading people's stories. When I got to yours, I knew that I needed to respond. You asked for someone who has experienced something like this, and I can tell you--I have. Your story hit so close to home it was almost scary. I grew up in a very similar way, even down to the religious upbringing and the home-schooling. My mom is an uBPD. However, I had a very wonderful father who, I think, shielded us from a lot while we were growing up. I can relate with always being afraid of something happening, of not being good enough, not calling enough, not checking in enough with my mom. She could be so wonderful for months at a time, but then there were those other times that I just have never been able to reconcile.
As I am in my late 20s now, we had achieved a sort of tenuous peace, which came from me constantly wondering if she was mad at me, checking in with her, calling 4-5 times a week, hiding choices I know she won't approve of, and generally not discussing religion/politics/anything really personal. However, last year, I met the man I want to marry. For most people, that would be something very sweet to celebrate. Instead, I was afraid of how to tell my mom about him. I eventually did, and she seemed very loving and supportive at first. After about two months, things started to get weird. I couldn't quite put my finger on what was going on, but I always hung up from her feeling unsettled, guilty, angry, defensive, and like she wasn't actually listening. By this time, my fiance and I were planning our wedding, and we had decided that we wanted to make sure to include my mom in the plans so she felt loved and included.
Three months before the wedding, my fiance and I planned out a trip to go visit my parents at their house (my fiance lived about 9 hours away from where my parents lived). It took a lot of time, driving, and planning to make this all happen, and there was just a whole lot of tension for a variety of reasons. We both left after that weekend feeling like it was tense, but we did the right thing visiting. A week later, I received a nasty letter from my mom saying how ungrateful, selfish, rude and proud I am, and how she is ashamed to raise a daughter like me. She knew, apparently, that the only reason my fiance and I visited was to make fun of her and my dad. She then followed with a two-hour phone call the next day in which she recounted so many things that I said or did and how they showed her that I am terrible and want nothing to do with her. After the letter, my fiance and I had already decided that we were going to do what we could to pacify her for now, because we both wanted her at the wedding. So, I sat through the phone call, took the abuse, apologized, explained what I could, and generally pacified her. It was a horrible, humiliating experience, but it served its purpose.
I didn't talk to her for a while because I was so hurt. Finally, about a month before the wedding, things escalated to the point that I just drove to my parents' house one day and tried to resolve things with my mom in person. Thankfully, my dad was there to mediate. What came out was that my mom was convinced that I had no intention of ever talking to her again and that I was ashamed of her. She had even burned my wedding invitation so that she could tell people that she never actually got an invitation to her own daughter's wedding (which she did). After lots of me explaining, apologizing, and pacifying, we got things worked out. Right before the wedding, she actually apologized to me and my fiance both (which was a huge surprise), and she promised us that she would treat us both better. Then the wedding, in which she was so happy, so supportive, worked tirelessly on flowers, decorations, food, etc.
My husband and I both know that she is triggered by feeling abandoned, so we have talked at length about how to make her feel welcome in our lives. I called her at least once a weeks after we got married, tried to have video chats between me and my husband and my parents, made plans to see them over both big holidays (we live 9 hours away), and I invited her to come visit us numerous times.
About 5 weeks after we were married, she decided to come visit. True to form, she changed her visit three different times, which made me scramble to continually rearrange work and appointments. She showed up, and it was awkward because she had been so terrible just a couple months ago, and we had JUST gotten married and started living together. When she left, my husband and I agreed the visit was uncomfortable, but we did the right thing inviting her.
She ignored me for about 6 weeks after that. She finally sent me a tirade of messages in which she explained that her visit showed her that I was in a controlling/abusive relationship, and it was clear that my husband would never allow me to have contact with my loving, concerned parents. She told me she started having panic attacks, which were my fault because she is so concerned. She also told me about how horrible a person I have become and how she is glad to not have to have contact with a daughter like me. I wrote a letter in reply, apologizing for anything that made her feel unwelcome during her visit, but generally explain my marriage values, boundaries, and asking her to respect my marriage and my choices. She responded with an email saying that she would never stop loving me, but she can't watch me go down such a horrible path, so she has decided to just accept that I am no longer a part of her life. I just want to mention here that my husband has done everything he can to love and support me, and he was the one who was pushing to make her feel welcome in our new life together.
That was about a month ago. I have been so incredibly hurt and torn up over this, but it made me find a counselor, in which I discovered what BPD is. Reading all of the books and the personal experiences is incredibly validating, especially as I thought that there was always something not quite right with me. What my counselor and the reading has helped me understand is that I have always been afraid of my mom doing exactly what she has just done. I have always been afraid of her finally just getting so mad that she just cuts me out of her life. Now that she has done it, I actually feel very free. I have realized that I can live without my mom, and I can enjoy our time of NC to heal, learn, process, and prepare for the future if I decide to initiate contact again. What I would encourage you to do is really sit down and have a conversation with yourself about who is more important: your husband or your mom. I did that, and my husband won hands down. For me, it is not worth ruining my marriage to try to keep the toxic embers of my relationship with my mom alive. Of course, that is ultimately your choice, and I completely understand the fear of completely losing your mom, or even of her blowing up again. But, speaking from recent and painful experience, you might not be able to stop that from happening, no matter how kind, thoughtful, or supportive you are. It might be better to invest in a relationship that is more stable and fulfilling for you, and learn how to have a relationship with your mom on your terms (where you are no longer afraid of her). That is what I am working on in counseling. Whatever you choose to do, remember that you are not the only person dealing with this, and that you are so much more wonderful and valuable than your BPD mother might believe. God bless!
