3 years with a cheating borderline

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey guys,

This is my first time posting on here but I really feel it’s necessary to my well being to get some help from some others who might understand what I’m going through that have similar experiences.

I was in a 3 and a half year relationship with an undiagnosed borderline. This was my first ever serious and long term relationship and I put up with A LOT of things that I shouldn’t have. Throughout the 3 1/2 years I put up with being discarded every few months, multiple guy friends, moving all over the place, abuse both verbally and on occasion physically.

4 months ago we had a great place we were moved in with each other and things for me seemed like they were really starting to grow. Until one day I caught her messaging another guy ‘one of these guy friends’ which lead to a huge argument where she threw all of my things in the middle of the floor and demanded that I move out. Threatening to call the police, she called her mother and involved her friends creating some smear campaign that I was some horrible person. So in short, I moved out.

It was evident to me that there was obviously something going on but she manipulated me into believing nothing was going on (as they do). I tried so hard to reverse the situation we were in, I hit the gym hard, I focused on my diet, working more hours, and coming to her to try and work things out.  She continuously assured me she was doing the same. She lied about it all. One night (after sleeping with her that morning) she stopped responding to my texts out of the blue. I had enough I knew there was something going on so. I found out where this guy lived and sure enough there was her car at his house that night. She refused to face me and when she did it was like there was no one in there. No apology, nothing she actually tried to walk away from me when I confronted her.

This situation absolutely destroyed me to my core. It felt like my whole life fell apart. A few days later after confronting her she finally seemed to understand the extent of her actions and how much it really hurt me so she apologized and told me that she loves me and that she knows she needs to work on herself and change. She then packed all of her things and moved across the country a few weeks later.

We went 2 months no contact following all of this, I was involved in a bad car accident about a month and a half into no contact that really shook me up so I reached out to tell her about it and to see how she was doing expecting some kind of friendly conversation. She didn’t even reply for 2 weeks and I get bombarded with accusations of being on dating websites and only contacting her to because I’m lonely. Didn’t even ask once about if I was okay.

She told me she still loves me and has thought about getting together in the future. We got to the topic of why she did the things she did and what I get is “you weren’t enough, so I did things to try and make due. I don’t condemn it, but it’s just the way things happened. I am happy and whole now”. And “its been months now, move on, let it go”.

To me I cannot even comprehend how someone can possibly be so damn twisted in the head to think in this way, she completely destroyed me to the core, moved across the country and now seems to feel no remorse at all for her actions. She just expects me to accept it and move on from it and trust her word. She didn’t care to ask if I was okay following my accident but will still continue to tell me that she loves me. My head is so screwed up from this person expecting her to just be a normal caring person. Why bother telling me she loves me when it’s very evident that someone who is truly in love wouldn’t do the horrible things she’s done to me. I want her in my life because I know how great of a person she can be but I just keep facing disappointment after disappointment.

[Pl94]

Hey guys,

This is my first time posting on here but I really feel it’s necessary to my well being to get some help from some others who might understand what I’m going through that have similar experiences.

I was in a 3 and a half year relationship with an undiagnosed borderline. This was my first ever serious and long term relationship and I put up with A LOT of things that I shouldn’t have. Throughout the 3 1/2 years I put up with being discarded every few months, multiple guy friends, moving all over the place, abuse both verbally and on occasion physically.

4 months ago we had a great place we were moved in with each other and things for me seemed like they were really starting to grow. Until one day I caught her messaging another guy ‘one of these guy friends’ which lead to a huge argument where she threw all of my things in the middle of the floor and demanded that I move out. Threatening to call the police, she called her mother and involved her friends creating some smear campaign that I was some horrible person. So in short, I moved out.

It was evident to me that there was obviously something going on but she manipulated me into believing nothing was going on (as they do). I tried so hard to reverse the situation we were in, I hit the gym hard, I focused on my diet, working more hours, and coming to her to try and work things out.  She continuously assured me she was doing the same. She lied about it all. One night (after sleeping with her that morning) she stopped responding to my texts out of the blue. I had enough I knew there was something going on so. I found out where this guy lived and sure enough there was her car at his house that night. She refused to face me and when she did it was like there was no one in there. No apology, nothing she actually tried to walk away from me when I confronted her.

This situation absolutely destroyed me to my core. It felt like my whole life fell apart. A few days later after confronting her she finally seemed to understand the extent of her actions and how much it really hurt me so she apologized and told me that she loves me and that she knows she needs to work on herself and change. She then packed all of her things and moved across the country a few weeks later.

We went 2 months no contact following all of this, I was involved in a bad car accident about a month and a half into no contact that really shook me up so I reached out to tell her about it and to see how she was doing expecting some kind of friendly conversation. She didn’t even reply for 2 weeks and I get bombarded with accusations of being on dating websites and only contacting her to because I’m lonely. Didn’t even ask once about if I was okay.

She told me she still loves me and has thought about getting together in the future. We got to the topic of why she did the things she did and what I get is “you weren’t enough, so I did things to try and make due. I don’t condemn it, but it’s just the way things happened. I am happy and whole now”. And “its been months now, move on, let it go”.

To me I cannot even comprehend how someone can possibly be so damn twisted in the head to think in this way, she completely destroyed me to the core, moved across the country and now seems to feel no remorse at all for her actions. She just expects me to accept it and move on from it and trust her word. She didn’t care to ask if I was okay following my accident but will still continue to tell me that she loves me. My head is so screwed up from this person expecting her to just be a normal caring person. Why bother telling me she loves me when it’s very evident that someone who is truly in love wouldn’t do the horrible things she’s done to me. I want her in my life because I know how great of a person she can be but I just keep facing disappointment after disappointment.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[loyalwife]

Hi P194,
 
I am so sorry about your struggles with your ex/gf. It sounds as though you tried to give her every opportunity you could. What touched me the most about your post is your final statement

I want her in my life because I know how great of a person she can be but I just keep facing disappointment after disappointment.

Unfortunately, a person with BPD is the charming loving person, at first. Afterwards you get some glimpses, but finally that person disappears. It leaves us (the non's) waiting and searching, hoping that they will 'change back'. It's understandable that you want her back into your life as she was. She has dropped hints to you that she loves you and that perhaps you could get back together. When you needed her most, after your accident, she was a no show. I hope I'm not sounding hardened, but this is a rodeo many of us have been on in some way or form.

It's great that you have learned to take care of yourself through all of this. And NO it doesn't make sense that someone can love you one moment and then discard you the next. It isn't your fault and there wasn't anything you could have done to prevent it. Chances are she will continue to leave a destructive path of relationships. You my friend, are a lucky one. You are free, of disappointments. Take care.

[strugglingBF]

I have to post on this one because it hits home.  While I cannot relate to my BPDgf sleeping with someone else, there has been betrayal in my relationship nonetheless.  My GF has stayed at an Ex's house overnight after a huge fight (swears nothing happened).  She has also had text conversations with someone she carried a previous 10-year (on and off) affair with (not while with me) who we had both agreed she would not humor if he reaches out to her (he reaches out every 5 years or so).  She was not reciprocating any of his advances (I saw all the texts), but she didn't put her foot down and protect our relationship like I would expect.  These two incidents rattled my trust tremendously as she was not upfront about either and only told me after I had concrete evidence of both.  I struggle with trust at times with her and she tells me it is my problem I need to get over.  People with BPD just don't understand or comprehend that magnitude of the effects of their actions.  I can tell you if I would have done either of those to things to her she would be devastated, angry, she would certainly outburst.  and if she was drinking when she found out who knows.  My GF in particular straight up losses her damn mind when she drinks, and she is not good at saying enough is enough.  I have cut her off in the past because she could barely walk (this is at a party in the house we shared at the time with family and friends over).  She got so mad that i cut her off (maybe also due to the fact it was in front of her family) she punched me as hard as she could in the face 3 times and tried to throw a chair threw my window.  She actually chipped some of my teeth that night.  Her reation?...you need to learn how to cut me off better.  For us nons this is absolutely insane.  My GF particularly has a motto she has thrown out to me many times (can't even tell you how many).  It is, "this is who I am.  Deal with it or leave."  BP's are capable of only brief periods of remorse and apology in my experience.  They want you to move on after their actions, which at times can be seriously damaging (both internally and externally).  And if you don't move on in the pace they expect you to, they will rage, or tell you that you are too sensitive.  They will totally downplay what they did to you because they can't handle the reality of it.  BP's also do not know how to end an argument.  That falls squarely on the shoulders of the Non.  My GF particularly is perfectly ok to argue for hours (we have literally argued an entire day away before...seriously...back before I discovered she was BPD and how to handle her better).  Everything will be your fault, regardless of whether it is even possible or not.  They will find a way to track it back to you if they desire. 

I worry slightly about infidelity in my relationship.  However, my GF is so far up my $$ usually that I honestly don't know where she would find the time to cheat.  She calls me constantly throughout the day (I work from home and am on the road a couple days a week).  She needlessly worries about me cheating all the time (I have zero desire to cheat regardless of how crazy and unstable my relationship with her is).  If a female so much as looks in my direction (whether I know her or not), comments will be made.  And the prettier they are the more negative the comments.  She puts people down needlessly.  I have married co-workers that want to do dinner with us.  I have gone a far as scheduling something with them.  However, if it is the female side of the relationship I am scheduling with she gets super suspicious and finds a way to disrupt our life to the point where I have to cancel.  Every time.  She is so insecure and I tiptoe with anything that has to do with the opposite sex.  She doesn't tiptoe at all, and if I get slightly jealous or suspicious (remember she has done a couple things to me), she will GO OFF on me about it. 

They play by their own rules and only their rules, and you 100% cannot make them see reality.  They have their own reality.  I have been with my GF for 5 years.  I was lost for 4 of it and only discovered BPD 8 months ago when my therapist (used to me our therapist until my GF got uncomfortable and stopped going) told me I am living with a BP.  I have been punched in the face, I have had the cops called on me by her (while she was in the car with me) after a night of drinking where she wanted me to leave her on the highway at 1:00 a.m. because of a minor disagreement on the way home (she almost got me a DUI), she has turned on me during an argument in our house and called the cops on me saying I attacked her (lies, and I was not arrested).  The police in my town know who she is because she has had so many past domestic cop calls with previous BF's and her ex-husband.  I have been given so many aggressive ultimatums (do this or I will do something bad to you...or withhold something you want) that I could recount them all if I tried.  BPs have the ability to blow your life up, and they will do it without recognition or care if pushed...justifying it all along the way.  They are actually quite dangerous, moreso when they will not accept who they are and they decide to almost embrace it.  My GF particularly has come to embrace the parts of her that are most definitely BPD, which is scary.  I haven't given up on her yet, but she has a very strong "this is who I am...you either love me this way or get out of my life" mentality.