Coping Mechanisms?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I've felt like I was alone for a very long time. Very recently, I have been less alone- thanks to a father who serves as my sanity check, a partner who's the kindest person I know, and friends who have reacted to my finally opening up to them with shock, compassion, and support.

The FOG is still there, though. I'm less than 3 months into a new state of LC with my uBPD empty/dependent mother. Before this, I was living with her full-time, as any mention of me flying the nest after finishing university was met with horror, despair, and then rage. Until about 6 months ago, I was constantly making excuses for her and ignoring her bad behaviour, because I had come to see her as a victim and myself in a caregiver position, no matter how much of a toll that took on me. There are so many small stories of abuse that I don't even know where to start. I never went out. I never dated. I allowed myself to be idealised and held up to some distorted level of behaviour because of my fictional 'pedigree', while at the same time having no self-confidence. Even now, thinking of her needling comments ("You'd be beautiful if you just lost some weight" "You'd be such a perfect child if you weren't so disobedient.") hurts beyond belief. Does it ever stop? I fear that it may not.

I went for my first therapy session today. I found out about BPD today. Everything makes so much more sense now. It's helped me see that the problem with my mother isn't just PTSD or Depression triggered by something, it's a longstanding problem that has pre-dated me.

In fact, I rather suspect my grandmother is also a uBPD, because she also fits nearly all of the criteria too, just +30yrs (my mother was the golden child, and my aunt the frequently-abused scapegoat).

The question now is, how do I move on and unlearn all of the unhealthy habits my mother has instilled in me over the years? I'm paranoid about punctuality because of years of having to account for my whereabouts and anytime I'm late. I feel physically ill at the idea of accepting any kind of monetary aid, even if it's well-intentioned, because that's been the way my mother has always chosen to try and keep me grateful (she threatened to cut me out of her will only two weeks ago, and has in turns demanded I return both my laptop and my car, both of which I in large part paid for, because of either a) money she has paid for repairs, or b) my car loan downpayment). How do I unlearn these things, and at the same time re-learn compassion without becoming once again responsible for/hung up on/defined by her?

If anyone has any tips for a healthy communication style, please do suggest- I know she's been trying to respect my boundaries, but she still sometimes does push, and I need to figure out a way to deal with it other than having an anxiety attack in the middle of a cafe. Thank god for my stepfather or I would be dealing with this far more often. Something in me still hesitates at using the word 'abuse', but that's what it is, right? Emotional abuse, stemming from childhood. I'm seeing her this weekend because a family friend is in town for the weekend, and it's going to be an exercise in pretending nothing's wrong for six hours, while I try not to throw up.

Sorry this is scattered, I'm still getting a handle on. Well, everything.

[fox_m9]

I've felt like I was alone for a very long time. Very recently, I have been less alone- thanks to a father who serves as my sanity check, a partner who's the kindest person I know, and friends who have reacted to my finally opening up to them with shock, compassion, and support.

The FOG is still there, though. I'm less than 3 months into a new state of LC with my uBPD empty/dependent mother. Before this, I was living with her full-time, as any mention of me flying the nest after finishing university was met with horror, despair, and then rage. Until about 6 months ago, I was constantly making excuses for her and ignoring her bad behaviour, because I had come to see her as a victim and myself in a caregiver position, no matter how much of a toll that took on me. There are so many small stories of abuse that I don't even know where to start. I never went out. I never dated. I allowed myself to be idealised and held up to some distorted level of behaviour because of my fictional 'pedigree', while at the same time having no self-confidence. Even now, thinking of her needling comments ("You'd be beautiful if you just lost some weight" "You'd be such a perfect child if you weren't so disobedient.") hurts beyond belief. Does it ever stop? I fear that it may not.

I went for my first therapy session today. I found out about BPD today. Everything makes so much more sense now. It's helped me see that the problem with my mother isn't just PTSD or Depression triggered by something, it's a longstanding problem that has pre-dated me.

In fact, I rather suspect my grandmother is also a uBPD, because she also fits nearly all of the criteria too, just +30yrs (my mother was the golden child, and my aunt the frequently-abused scapegoat).

The question now is, how do I move on and unlearn all of the unhealthy habits my mother has instilled in me over the years? I'm paranoid about punctuality because of years of having to account for my whereabouts and anytime I'm late. I feel physically ill at the idea of accepting any kind of monetary aid, even if it's well-intentioned, because that's been the way my mother has always chosen to try and keep me grateful (she threatened to cut me out of her will only two weeks ago, and has in turns demanded I return both my laptop and my car, both of which I in large part paid for, because of either a) money she has paid for repairs, or b) my car loan downpayment). How do I unlearn these things, and at the same time re-learn compassion without becoming once again responsible for/hung up on/defined by her?

If anyone has any tips for a healthy communication style, please do suggest- I know she's been trying to respect my boundaries, but she still sometimes does push, and I need to figure out a way to deal with it other than having an anxiety attack in the middle of a cafe. Thank god for my stepfather or I would be dealing with this far more often. Something in me still hesitates at using the word 'abuse', but that's what it is, right? Emotional abuse, stemming from childhood. I'm seeing her this weekend because a family friend is in town for the weekend, and it's going to be an exercise in pretending nothing's wrong for six hours, while I try not to throw up.

Sorry this is scattered, I'm still getting a handle on. Well, everything.

[pursuingJoy]

fox_m9, so sorry for all that brought you to this point, but I am glad you found us. This is a supportive community of people that get it.   

What a blessing that your father and friends have been supportive. You deserve to have a happy life of independence and fulfillment. 

Much of what you described, not feeling free to develop individual relationships, feeling like you're a caregiver, walking on eggshells, and being wary of financial 'gifts' is all very common to us. My situation is a little different in that I have a BPD MIL, but I want to affirm that what you see is real. I am in awe of your courage in facing reality and wanting to shift your relationship with your mom. Wow. You can do this and it can get better.   

I'm seeing her this weekend because a family friend is in town for the weekend, and it's going to be an exercise in pretending nothing's wrong for six hours, while I try not to throw up.

I so get this. It helps me to prepare mentally for visits with my pwBPD. I fight the urge to obsess or stress, instead spending energy on anticipating and listing what might come up and how I plan to address it. This takes some of the emotion out of the interaction when it happens. We'd be glad to help you prepare if that would help!   

Definitely check out the tools and book recommendations in the links above. I've learned so much since coming here. And again, welcome. We're so glad to have you.

pj

[Choosinghope]

  Hi! I'm glad that you found this site. It has been an incredible source of help for me as I have been coming to terms with my own uBPD mother. As pursuing joy said, you deserve much better than this. Good for you for having the courage to stand up for yourself and acknowledging something is wrong. I speak from experience that it takes a lot of gumption.

The question now is, how do I move on and unlearn all of the unhealthy habits my mother has instilled in me over the years? I'm paranoid about punctuality because of years of having to account for my whereabouts and anytime I'm late. I feel physically ill at the idea of accepting any kind of monetary aid, even if it's well-intentioned, because that's been the way my mother has always chosen to try and keep me grateful (she threatened to cut me out of her will only two weeks ago, and has in turns demanded I return both my laptop and my car, both of which I in large part paid for, because of either a) money she has paid for repairs, or b) my car loan downpayment). How do I unlearn these things, and at the same time re-learn compassion without becoming once again responsible for/hung up on/defined by her?

I have a couple things to add here, simply from personal experience. Until a couple months ago, the car that I was driving technically belonged to my parents. Two years back, we had switched cars straight up because my car wasn't working for my life situation, and my dad insisted that it was a gift and that I didn't need to pay the difference in value. I signed over my title to them, but we never got around to signing over the other title to me. A couple months ago, I got a truly bizarre phone call from my mom in which she told me she knew I was planning on stealing their retirement money, and that she wasn't going to give me my car title until she was convinced that they would get their money. The next day, she told my dad that the conversation never happened and she would never say something like that. Then a month later, she accused me of trying to sell HER car (My H and I were trying to get a new vehicle) and said she always knew I was selfish, greedy, manipulative, etc. My H and I quickly decided that they were getting the car back, and we would buy a new vehicle completely independent of my parents. Best decision ever. Since then, we have made a firm boundary of accepting no financial assistance from them, and no gifts from my mom in any form for the time being. Obviously, my situation is a bit different from yours, but I will say that if it is at all possible, cut any financial ties with your mom. The freedom of knowing that she has absolutely no hold over me anymore is wonderful.

I also understand the fear and paranoia from my mom's reactions. Simple example: there is a Christmas movie she always hated, and my H wanted to watch it last month. I felt so afraid and uncomfortable while watching it because I felt like my mom would magically know and be disappointed in me (silly, I know). However, it is a good example of learned habits and reactions that I think many of us can relate to. Something that I have been working on with my T is journaling and working through my mom's influence in my life. When I have a moment like with the movie, or I hear her voice, or I feel defined by something (selfish, hurtful, manipulative), I record what the situation was, what I felt, why I felt that way, and what is actually true about the situation. For example:

While watching Home Alone with my H, I was uncomfortable, afraid, and unable to enjoy the film. I felt like I was disappointing my mom, that I was doing something she wouldn't like, and that she would become angry and disappointed in me. I felt that way because I learned that my mom has strong opinions on everything, and it is easier to go along with her opinions than to advocate for my own. However, as a completely rational, independent adult, I get to choose what I watch, and my mom has no part in my movie selections.

Again, this is kind of a simple example, but the strategy has really helped me identity my mom's voice and her influence, while allowing me to separate myself from her. I have worked through some pretty deep stuff, even acknowledging that my deep-rooted fixation about medical problems stemmed from wanting/needing her support. I knew that when I was sick or had a medical issue, she would be at her most loving and supportive. Since that realization, I have developed a MUCH healthier belief and approach towards my health.

This all takes time and persistence, and a good T really helps. In the meantime, surround yourself with people who love and support you, and don't be afraid to feel all the emotions. You will be angry, sad, furious, relieved, ecstatic, anxious, and the list goes on. That is completely ok and necessary for healing. Be kind to yourself because you are worth it 

[Harri]

I want to joining pJoy and ChoosingHope in saying welcome and I too am glad you found us and are reaching out for support.  We really do get it here.   You can heal and learn new ways to cope and function and communicate with your mom.  It takes time and effort and can be uncomfortable to change a life time of conditioned responses but it can be done.  We have members who are working on that here right now so you are not alone.

While watching Home Alone with my H, I was uncomfortable, afraid, and unable to enjoy the film. I felt like I was disappointing my mom, that I was doing something she wouldn't like, and that she would become angry and disappointed in me. I felt that way because I learned that my mom has strong opinions on everything, and it is easier to go along with her opinions than to advocate for my own. However, as a completely rational, independent adult, I get to choose what I watch, and my mom has no part in my movie selections.

This example really hit home for me.  The guilt and feeling that I was betraying my mom when doing even the most normal and natural things in the world was startling.  It was relatively easy to see the big ways I was still tied to my mom and family, but it was these 'smaller' events that helped me realize just how pervasive the enmeshment was.  It gets better as we keep working on healing and learning to differentiate from our parent(s)/family.

We have lots of reading material that can help you.  We can also discuss anything you may read.  The best place to start is here:  How to get the most out of this site There you will find some communication tools that can be quite helpful.  At this point it is hard for me to know which to recommend but as you post more maybe we can talk more about that.  

Again, I am glad you found us and are reaching out for help.