Feeling at a loss

[Blue Monday]

Hi. Am posting regarding my partner (male), I am female. We have been together nearly 5 years off and on, with a year living apart after a particularly traumatic episode abroad where he was physically and verbally violent.
We've been back living together for 2 months, during which time my father has died suddenly and obviously there has been lots of stress around supporting my elderly mum.
My partner and I have had a few 'incidents' in the past week and a half. We managed the first one which was around his chaotic spending, I didn't regulate myself enough in this case. The second one ended up in escalation, screaming at each other and him driving dangerously, slamming the breaks on and verbally abusing me. Last night, we go out for beers with friends, he expresses how much he wants to have sex, I don't want to. I am in menopause, exhausted after ten days looking after my mum and also dont like making love when we have had drinks as he becomes more pushy. Last night, with a few beers in him, he kept pushing and pushing me, I got frustrated with the pushing. He then screams at me at how Ive humiliated him and that he will never recover this, how awful I am etc etc. He sleeps in the spare bedroom. Says 'hello' through the door to me when I go to the toilet in the night, so I'm thinking he's calmed down. Next thing I know he's screaming at me, had i ate his dinner? comes up into the bedroom and throws the plate onto me on the bed. I did eat some of his dinner because he said he didnt want it and I was really hungry! He comes in and out ranting, calling me a PLEASE READ, gets my phone which is on the bed, throws it at me, i pick it up and he knocks it out of my hand, rants more and more about how I humiliated him and then leaves. He did say sorry for how he behaved this morning but the next minute was shouting again about how I humiliated him. This has happened before, when he has pushed and tried to guilt me into sex and I dont want to do it any more. So, I know that he will calm down and apologise but I can't accept this in a relationship. We have been here before, he has had help from counsellors with his reactions and is now without a job temporarily, so we cant access paid support. He has been so helpful to my family over the Xmas break and has so many lovely qualities. I even felt he had made progress since the incident last year. But Im exhausted with my own grief and I am extremely worried that this will worsen again like last time we lived together and it ended up getting toxic. I know I dont have the same resilience around some of his demanding behaviour.
How do I de-escalate and validate at the same time as make it clear that throwing plates and phones and calling me a PLEASE READ is not ok. I'm scared things will just get worse to where they were before and I cant go there again.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello and welcome Blue Monday!

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. Your father's death, taking care of your mother, and now this escalating behavior on the part of your partner.

Your description of what's been happening lately worries me. I know you said this has happened before. Just curious -- have you ever sought out counseling for domestic violence? My H has never been physical with me (just objects) but there was verbal/emotional abuse. I started seeing a DV therapist who was so, so helpful to me.

Regardless, we have a Safety Plan here. If you haven't thought about or looked at one of these before, I hope you'll take a look. It's an extremely useful tool to have, should you find yourself in a scary, dangerous situation.
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

I don't want to scare or overwhelm you. Just want to make sure you're safe! I'm sure other members will just in soon, too. We do have some tips to use in relationships and we can share those as well, but from your description, I've focused on the violence for now.

Keep posting!

[Harri]

Hi Blue Monday and welcome.  I am glad you posted and are reaching out for support.

How do I de-escalate and validate at the same time as make it clear that throwing plates and phones and calling me a PLEASE READ is not ok. I'm scared things will just get worse to where they were before and I cant go there again.

How do you respond when he begins to escalate now?  Do these incidents happen even when he has not been drinking?  (I ask that only to better understand what is going on)

Validation can help prior to full escalation as can some of the other tools that Ozzie mentioned.  When/ if he is raging, I am not sure validation will work.   Certainly *Not invalidating* will help not to escalate.   Often times, when we respond to a pwBPD (person with BPD) what we say in support or empathy can be invalidating even though that is not our intention.  I was shocked to learn that things I thought were good to say were in fact extremely invalidating.  We have an article here that can help:  Don't Be Invalidating 

That said, when he is dysregulated and there is a history of violence I think the first line of defense is to have a safety plan as linked by Ozzie.  Are other people aware of your situation and that he is violent with objects and has also been physically aggressive with you?  Getting this out in the open and letting others know is part of being safe and working on him being accountable to himself, you and others.  When things are calm are you able to sit down and discuss these incidents with him and lay out some expectations and conditions?  Getting the violence under control is important as without that, there is little you will be able to do in terms of repairing the relationship.  Do you think he would agree to counseling while you get your own help from DV experts?

Sorry for all the questions.  Answer what and when you can.  We are here to support you.

[Blue Monday]

Thanks Harri and Ozzie. This is the first time he has thrown something at me. The driving dangerously he did in May and again last week. All different triggers for him.
As far as how I respond goes, I definitely can lose myself and shout back as I've felt so pushed. Not always, but he can poke and poke, you stay calm or get space and then he pokes again. Last week driving, he wanted to 'sort things out now' after we'd had a small argument at home, which meant he wanted the car stopped right that minute. It's hard because I felt like I can't feel my feelings, I have to suddenly be ok even if I've felt disregarded by him. Last night, I took myself away and was calm.
Friends have been aware of things that have happened in the past, but it generally hasnt got to this stage for a while.
He has had counselling and it has helped, but we are not in a financial position currently to afford more at this stage. I have to say, I was a bit shocked at the mention of DV, but perhaps I should get in touch with the local group. In the past we have been able to talk about the incidents to a degree and had couples counselling which helped a bit. However, the problem isnt that he hasnt got a legitimate point, its the intensity of his reactions and behaviour that are damaging. It's hard to get this across. He's had 2 lots of individual therapy which have helped him be more self-compassionate. He has v low self-esteem at the moment and Christmas is hard for him as he doesnt really have much family. I dont feel that he would physically push me or shove me, but the aggression is enough. I have less patience with the grief and caring for mum. He knows this and keeps saying how much he wants to support me.
I have difficulty with laying down the expectations and conditions. I have expressed that it is definitely not ok for him to swear at me, drive in a way that puts us both at risk or rant at me and he agrees. In the past year, he has taken himself off out or to another room to calm down. He just seemed to flip again this morning. We have had agreements around alcohol and actually he has improved a lot in terms of alcohol consumption of late. But he will make commitments he cannot keep.
Since I wrote my post. He has come back and apologised for his behaviour. I've been out and come back and said, 'you do know that the things you did are abusive behaviour?" and he said, 'yes'.
I've read the suggested plan and article, thank you

[Ozzie101]

That's good, Blue.

I didn't mean to shock you and I certainly don't want to overwhelm you. When people here suggested I look into DV counseling, etc., I was shocked myself. Couldn't believe that I might need that kind of help. I'm glad I reached out, though, because I learned a lot and it really helped me to get stronger and more aware. My never crossed over into real physical violence towards me, but as much as he swore he wouldn't, I know that, statistically, he could have. That's why I suggested DV and the safety plan. Even if he's open to accepting blame and makes changes, it's a good idea to stay aware and to know what the warning signs are.

I know what it's like to feel so pushed you finally push back. As you know, that's usually not a good idea (though very natural and human!). Being able to stay calm and distance yourself is a great skill to have and to develop.

Have you seen this article on ending conflict?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

[Blue Monday]

Yes, thank you , I saw it today. It's really helpful and thank you for your support, so good to know someone gets it. Will take some steps x