Holidays and extra time with my sister

[npapa]

Hello all,

This is my first topic. For many years, I have been dealing with my sister's personality disorder. Many therapists I have gone to have told me to look into BPD per what I have shared with them. Obviously I do not know fully, if my sister has BPD, but based on the 9 symptoms she has many. I am working with a new therapist and I found, yet again, that I decided to go to this therapist for one reason and it has turned into me speaking of my sister most of the time. This year over the Christmas holiday she visited for much more time than I usually visit her, the extra time spent with her, although pleasant, has brought up all these emotions of me truly putting her needs before mine. In all of my relationships, I have no issue compromising, no issue telling others when I feel I am hurt by them or they are "wrong" but with my sister it is easier to just let her treat me like crap. She says things that are upsetting, she has the highest expectations of all of her relationships. For example, when she was here for Christmas, I needed to spend EVERY SECOND with her and she minimizes my other relationships as they cannot be as important as her and I or cannot be equal to the relationships she has. My birthday is Christmas  and after spending almost every waking moment with her, my boyfriend planned dinner with him and I, she flipped out on me. Not just sad I was leaving her but minimized my relationship with my boyfriend because why should I spend a holiday with him? He, after all, is not my husband so he shouldn't exist when compared to her. I went to my dinner, but felt guilt the entire time and had to deal with the aftermath of her saying she'd leave my home and stay in a hotel because she doesn't want to be an "inconvenience" she lives in a different state but still consumes my life. Of course then I had to concede and explain over and over she is not an inconvenience, I love her, want her to stay, and then was her chauffeur the rest of the week to accompany her to what she wanted to do like visit HER friends. And she uses my niece and nephew against me, I cannot fight with her or she will not allow me to speak to them, or block me for months and I need sneak through my brother in law to talk to the kids. I am trying to work through how to deal with her, but I definitely find myself giving into her needs and putting her first to me. My boyfriend says that I defend my sister to everyone, and that is okay, she is my sister and I shouldn't let others bash her behaviors, but what I do is defend her against myself as well. When he said that it hit me hard, because he is right. But I can't not speak to my sister, or the kids, and its easier to just lie to her or do as she says. Or listen to nonsensical comments and keep my opinion to myself because it is easier to keep the peace.  I am sure may of you feel the same and I don't think I have a question to this post, I am just rambling because the conscience thought is coming to light since I am discussing with my therapist. I guess, how do you all cope with putting yourself and opinions first?

[pursuingJoy]

Welcome, npapa!   We're glad you're here!

I went to my dinner, but felt guilt the entire time and had to deal with the aftermath

I think you nailed how most of us feel when we try to individuate. I hear this over and over. We didn't invite my BPD MIL to stay with us over Christmas, first time since we've been married, and it was almost worse than having her there...I felt so much anxiety, dreading her next blow up. It doesn't mean we made the wrong choice. The solution lies more in learning to allow my pwBPD to self-soothe, manage her own feelings, and not taking on her feelings of anger and hurt.

I guess, how do you all cope with putting yourself and opinions first?

The hardest part for me is how my MIL uses my husband to make me feel like I'm an unfeeling, coldhearted person if I push back or say no. I cope by getting feedback from others, in therapy, here and with trusted friends. I work on deciphering truth from facts, not feelings. I then act on my discovered truth. It doesn't always feel nice, but I'm going to keep plugging away because I've seen slight improvements.

What's the hardest part for you in putting yourself first?

Again, welcome welcome! Read up, respond when you can and make sure to check out the tools at the top of this page.
pj