How do I do this

[Jessie james]

  I am in a relationship with a woman with BPD. This is my first post so some history and background, we have known each other for just over two years, we have been through a lot together we both spent time in active addiction together we live together now and both are sober. She has had mental health problems all of her life, her parents died when she was young I am her only loved one in life who truly cares for her and hasn’t abandoned her. She is now for the first time in her life accepting that she has BPD and that she is responsible for being part of the solution to our relationship problems, what we are havi trouble dealing with is finding the line between me being a supportive partner and being someone who enables her disease and prevents growth by catering to her symptoms. Some problems we deal with include, trust issues she is constantly suspicious of me for any and every possible wrong thing I could be doing, she focuses only on the worst possible scenario her head feeds her for any given situation and needs immediate and extensive reassurance and physical affection or else she goes into drama laden traumatic panick attack, including tremors forced physical affection. It’s hard for me to not get irritated when she asks for reassurance about the same thing after we just spent an hour talking about it and gaining understanding, I try to walk away when I know I’m going to get angry she doesn’t accept that response and follows me demanding that I talk to her and make her feel safe, she doesn’t seem to understand that when I feel hurt by her it is hard for me to console her. Lately it has been only arguments were so raw Over the whole thing we get instantly offended any time we try to advocate for ourselves to one another and we can’t seem to get back on to common ground, I’m just seeking some thoughts, tips, any feedback would be appreciated I want to help her but I want to make sure that I am protecting myself and being there for her in a way that is going to promote growth rather than feed her disease and I don’t want to lose myself in her disease trying to find a healthy balance of self care and support for her thanks.

JJ.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

JJ, welcome to the boards!   Thanks for sharing what's going on. I know you can find support here. Many here have worked hard to find that balance between protecting your self and building a positive relationship.  

we both spent time in active addiction together we live together now and both are sober.

Congratulations!  

Lately it has been only arguments were so raw Over the whole thing we get instantly offended any time we try to advocate for ourselves to one another and we can’t seem to get back on to common ground,

My gosh I can so relate. My H and I are hopefully coming out of a 6 month period of the worst fighting in 7 years together. It seemed like an eyelash out of place could lead to hurt feelings for both of us.

I’m just seeking some thoughts, tips, any feedback would be appreciated I want to help her but I want to make sure that I am protecting myself and being there for her in a way that is going to promote growth rather than feed her disease and I don’t want to lose myself in her disease trying to find a healthy balance of self care and support for her thanks.

Love your heart here. Many of us can relate to feeling lost or swallowed up in the problem. In addition to therapy and posting here, these are some of the steps I've taken as a beginner with BPD:
 
(1) Read up on setting boundaries and detaching with love first. It helped me to remember that boundaries were loving for BOTH of us.
(2) Identify what was really bothering me and why, what my values and limits were, and how I might protect them.
(3) Identify how to implement the boundaries I need to feel like me.
(4) Allow my H to have his feelings without also feeling them, AND I don't have to let his feelings dictate my response.

These are just a few thoughts in case they help. If you'd like to offer a specific example of something that's happened recently, sometimes it's useful to break it down and think of other ways to respond. There are some great tools on this site that are tried and true!

We're here. You're not alone.  

pj