Suicide Watch

[WorksNeverDone]

Hello,
I'm new to the forum and have already been touched/blessed by everyone's honesty, transparency and support.  Not sure what all of the acronyms are yet, so pardon me if I use them incorrectly. 
My BDPw goes through cycles of intense emotions, all of which come with their challenges.  One of them is when she gets "suicidal."  It's an all encompassing darkness that surrounds her.  She feels trapped by not being able to live a completely free life (limitless travel, new romantic partners, no responsibility) without potentially losing her place of safety, love and security (our marriage).  So she resents me and our relationship.  But she can't choose against her own safety (and she has stage 4 breast cancer), so she stays.  Eventually she sees the damage that her mood swings and tantrums have on me and our daughter.  The self-loathing that is added to her existing conflict pushes her to a place of feeling like it's better for everyone if she ends her life.
But she's scared of death because she has no bedrock of faith or belief to cling to, so she cries out for help.  Because I'm her only support structure, all of her cries for help come at me.
"I need someone to manage my life for me, and cure my cancer, and force me to do big things with my life because I can't follow through on anything, and make me feel like I'm not only a drain on everyone around me..."  It's a nuclear blast of resentment, self-loathing, fear, anger, manipulation, etc.
I'm at work...my phone is going off all day with calls and texts from her telling me she's about to have a breakdown, that she can't go on any longer...asking me to help her end her life because she can't even follow through on that.
This has happened throughout the last 10 years to some degree or another.  She's never attempted suicide.  My "savior complex" causes me to want to help, but the therapy I'm doing tells me that I can't control her and I can't save her.  She would resent me for taking her to an ER because "a hospital is the last place that she wants to spend her time and they can't solve anything anyway."  So I start to shut down internally.  My mind fogs over, I can't think, I can't pay attention at work...I can barely remember my own name, feeling trapped between fight and flight.

Intellectually, I realize that, while her emotions are completely in charge of her reality, and completely valid, I can't save her and I should probably work on setting better boundaries (working on this in therapy). 
Has anyone found a balance or a semi-effective way to demonstrate that I care deeply for her and love her, but that I do need to keep my job and tend to my own responsibilities?  That I can't quit work to focus 100% of my life energy on making her feel good about herself?  I have tried everything I can think of.  The therapy I'm doing would tell me to say "I hate that you feel that way, and I love you, and I don't want you to kill yourself, but I need to keep my job in order to support you and our daughter.  Please tell me if there is anything practical that I can do to support you." 
But the more I learn about BPD (still very little), the less I think that textbook boundary-setting will be effective.
Any ideas/suggestions?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

Has anyone found a balance or a semi-effective way to demonstrate that I care deeply for her and love her, but that I do need to keep my job and tend to my own responsibilities?  That I can't quit work to focus 100% of my life energy on making her feel good about herself?  I have tried everything I can think of.  The therapy I'm doing would tell me to say "I hate that you feel that way, and I love you, and I don't want you to kill yourself, but I need to keep my job in order to support you and our daughter.  Please tell me if there is anything practical that I can do to support you." 
But the more I learn about BPD (still very little), the less I think that textbook boundary-setting will be effective.
Any ideas/suggestions?

It cannot be easy to feel responsible and (I'm guessing) fearful every day. 

I'm hardly an expert, andI know it feels counterintuitive, but I want to suggest that boundary-setting might be exactly what is effective. Detach with compassion, as others on the boards say. You may not see immediate results in the short term, but long term, your W may learn self-soothing techniques and find that she is more capable than she realizes.

Start small and stay consistent. I really like your phrasing above. In place of the last statement, or in addition to it, you could say, "I'll plan on seeing you tonight between 5:30 and 6. I'd love to talk to you about this then."  Give her something specific to look forward to.

I've been in relationships where I got swallowed up by the other person's needs. I've made myself pretty small in my current relationship. It works for a while, but you get burned out. Our energy, love, and time are precious. Let's protect them and set a good example for our kids on how to manage difficult seasons.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.

I am sorry things are so difficult for the both of you.  Is your wife in treatment for her cancer?  Does she have regular appointments with her doctors?  I wonder if you can mention to them that your wife is struggling.  Oncologists run into this a lot with patients and can offer some resources for your wife.  Even if she chooses not to follow through, the offer has been made and she will have options which can be empowering.

What I usually recommend saying is something similar to what you said in your post about caring for her but being unable to meet the needs she has.  Here is a general idea:  "I really care about you. I just don't have the skills to help you when you feel like killing yourself. If you say you are going to kill yourself, I will take you take you to the emergency  department"  I know you said she would resent being taken to the hospital so how about changing it and saying something like "If you say you are going to kill yourself, I can either take you to the hospital or we can call and schedule an appointment with your doctor (or a psychiatrist) tomorrow.  I will be here with you when we make the call".

would something like that work?  Keeping this secret and trying to be her sole support is not working (I know you know that) for either of you. 

Can you tell us more about the therapy you are getting?

[WorksNeverDone]

Thank you, PJ and Harri for your responses.

Hi and welcome.

I am sorry things are so difficult for the both of you.  Is your wife in treatment for her cancer?  Does she have regular appointments with her doctors?  I wonder if you can mention to them that your wife is struggling.  Oncologists run into this a lot with patients and can offer some resources for your wife.  Even if she chooses not to follow through, the offer has been made and she will have options which can be empowering.

What I usually recommend saying is something similar to what you said in your post about caring for her but being unable to meet the needs she has.  Here is a general idea:  "I really care about you. I just don't have the skills to help you when you feel like killing yourself. If you say you are going to kill yourself, I will take you take you to the emergency  department"  I know you said she would resent being taken to the hospital so how about changing it and saying something like "If you say you are going to kill yourself, I can either take you to the hospital or we can call and schedule an appointment with your doctor (or a psychiatrist) tomorrow.  I will be here with you when we make the call".

would something like that work?  Keeping this secret and trying to be her sole support is not working (I know you know that) for either of you. 

Can you tell us more about the therapy you are getting?

She is only taking bone strengthening agents for her cancer.  She is only pursuing holistic/naturopathic treatments for healing...no chemo/hormone suppression.  She is primarily self-directing her efforts.  She distrusts most doctors and feels like "they don't know her as an individual" well enough to really give her the best treatment.  She does have an oncologist who knows about her mental issues.  The only result from that has been that they are not pushing hormone suppression on her since it would make her depression worse.  The Dr's advice has been to "go home and live like you don't have cancer, and we will treat symptoms as they come up."

As for my therapy, I am primarily working with a counselor on my own needs-identification and boundary setting.  I began this work in earnest when my W and I separated earlier this year.  I realized that I would have the same co-dependent/boundary issues whether I stayed in this marriage or if we divorced and I found another relationship.  My cycle has been that our relationship becomes intolerable for both of us, we separate (she moves out), I start to work on my issues and return to my own sense of reality (instead of living in hers), and then she decides she wants to try again, I go along with it, and then I quickly plummet back into her world again.  It's really been an herculean effort to try and impose boundaries in a relationship that has only survived this long due to my willingness to "forgive" her breaches of my boundaries (affairs) and to neglect my own needs (ability to focus at work, time to recharge, help with household chores, a life outside of the relationship).