Back with BPD ex-girlfriend

[Conz22]

Hi, I'm a 23 year old man living in Ireland. I have a girlfriend who has BPD - she has had extensive treatment. She suffered from an eating disorder but is as recovered as you can be. We broke up for a few months as she moved away and I was getting sort of paranoid. I had issues with paranoia during our relationship, I had no evidence to say so but I was always on the look out for cheating. I have trust issues. She has never done anything that made me suspect she'd cheat, and she does have a heart of gold.

She broke up with me over a text, and didn't give me much closure. I was seeing someone else for a while, but got bored. We started talking again and meeting up. We're now back in a relationship. She has gotten DBT, CBT, inpatient - basically she's had all the therapy.

I was extremely paranoid over cheating, I think a lot of it had to do with what I read online about people with BPD - that they were liars, cheaters and couldn't be trusted. She's had several relationships before me, some lasting two years. One left her for another woman, and she admits she kissed someone else about a week into one of them - but says she told him, and there was more to it - she suspected he was gay due to sexual issues.

I suffer with addiction, anxiety and some depression myself. I find that I can be so honest with her, and she's extremely supportive. She has her issues too - she can be a hard one to argue with, and of course we have the odd argument over stupid _____. We spent a week in Italy together during the summer, and we didn't really argue or anything - we had a great time.

She's a quiet borderline, more "acting in" although she has her outbursts. She knows she can be difficult. I've decided to set very clear boundaries this time around, and if she tries to argue over anything I'll just say "I'll talk to you when you can have a conversation". We've both been argumentative at times, and I was VERY paranoid. Stuff like constantly checking who she's adding on facebook and instagram. Or peeking at her phone when she leaves the room - I've never, ever seen anything odd even the times I managed to unlock it. This time around I'm finding I can trust her a lot better and I've decided I just NEED to trust. The problem is I still get obsessive/paranoid thoughts, a lot of it probably due to the fact that BPD seems so hated online - although a lot of the people complaining are with someone who isn't even diagnosed.

She's extremely caring, and wants to go into a caring profession. Genuinely has a heart of gold, and is well liked. I just worry about her diagnosis. We're madly in love, and it's not just for her side - she supports me too and has held me as I cried countless times. I've decided to stay off BPD boards for the most part, but I do worry. I don't want to waste years for her to have an affair with someone else. When she's with me I've never seen her flirt with other people, and I have no evidence to say in particular that she isn't worth my trust. Anxiety puts it on my mind a lot though.

1. Do people with BPD usually cheat?
2. Can you have a successful relationship with a well treated pw/ BPD?
3. Tips or advice for handling things such as arguments?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Welcome, Conz22!

To answer your questions:
1) No, pwBPD don't all cheat. Some do, yes, but then so do plenty of people without a personality disorder. You'll find many members here (including yours truly) whose BPD loved ones are faithful. If she's never actually given you reason to believe she has cheated (other than her having BPD), then there's really no reason not to trust her.

2) Yes. You can even have a successful relationship with a non-treated pwBPD -- though treatment certainly helps! It takes patience and work and a knowledge of the disorder. Sometimes, a relationship with a pwBPD is like learning another language. But if you educate yourself and work on communication techniques, validation, etc., it can be successful and rewarding.

3) That depends. Can you describe a recent argument? Give a he-said/she-said play-by-play? There are tools you can use in arguments. And, as I've learned, there can also be things you're doing "wrong" without realizing it! I know that I discovered that my communication style was actually making things worse. Once I changed that, things got a lot better.