Dealing with the high need for reassurance

[pedal9]

My partner was recently referred for DBT—thank goodness! I've been suspecting that she might have BPD but have not, of course, said that (there has been ample advice on this and other resources not to do that).

I am reading the book, "Loving Someone with BPD" and it is helping tremendously.

Currently, however, my partner is spinning out today and struggling with me standing by the boundaries I'm trying to set (baby steps, really--just trying to take care of myself and get off the rollercoaster). She has asked me for specific reassurance many times today--via text and email (I don't answer my phone while I'm with my patients!) and just now, after me encouraging her to follow up on the DBT referral and telling her that it makes me hopeful, she said, "What if I don’t change enough for you to want to be with me? Will you stick around?“

One of my core values is honesty and I can honestly say I don't know the answer to this. It's a terrible position to be put in. However, I know she is struggling today and needs to feel safe. I could *really* use some advice here from people who have been in similar situations. 

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[Ozzie101]

Hi pedal9!

It sounds like she's very insecure and worried with this treatment referral. Understandable. The insecurity, fear of abandonment, etc., is a big part of BPD and it makes sense that that would flare up now.

Also, if you're enforcing boundaries you haven't before, that's probably triggering her and making her uncertain. If you stick to those boundaries with empathy and compassion (and firmness), some of that insecurity may fade away -- once she sees that you're not pulling away. You're just changing the pattern.

If you don't mind my asking, what boundaries are you setting?

I can understand your not wanting to lie. If your partner is anything like my H, she can sense careful language (things said to avoid lying but trying to reassure).

One thing I did with my H was work on building the connection with him -- even when I didn't feel like it. My H's love language is physical affection. So, I would squeeze his arm or give him a peck on the cheek as I passed. Random hugs for no reason. At the time, I was still pretty upset with him for his treatment of me (which he was making a concerted effort to work on) but I had decided I wanted to try to make the marriage work, so I forced myself to reach out. Thing is, it really helped build a stronger foundation and restored a lot of my love for him.

But, as I said, I had decided to commit to the marriage. So, I wasn't lying.

[pedal9]

Thanks, Ozzie

To answer your question, I've established the following boundaries. They are all things we've discussed before, but I have committed to not caving in on them as I have sadly done in the past:
* Limit our "processing" to 20 minutes at a time. After that we must take a break.
* If she cries in public, I can try to change the subject. If she won't let me, I can ask for the check even if that means cutting dinner short. (We've run into many patients over the years when she's been sobbing at a restaurant and it's become so embarrassing for me.)
* If she begins with a barrage of emotional texts, I ask that we change to email and that I will read it when I have a break from my patients

I am guessing this is too much at once. I'm really at my wit's end though. This relationship is taking a terrible toll on my life. I can and will never fill her need for reassurance. I'm willing to give it a bit more time to see if the DBT helps because she is actually such a wonderful person in every other way except her uncontrollable emotionality and her deep insecurity/shame/codependence. It's astounding to me how I didn't see it for the first year and it took another year to really see how deep all of that went.

Thank you for your advice. I know that increased physical affection would help her. It's a bit more challenging because I do not live with her (I could at least see from the beginning that something was no stable enough to do that). I worry deeply for her kids.

[Ozzie101]

Those sound like good boundaries. In hindsight, it might have also worked to sort of phase them in gradually, one at a time. But I'm not sure backtracking now would be a good idea. So, I'd keep to them.

When you uphold your boundary, do you do it with empathy? Do you acknowledge her feelings and her needs? "Honey, I know this is important to you. It's important to me, too. I want to process that and be in a place where I can give you my full attention so I'll call/text/email in [insert time]. Love you!" Something like that? Sometimes that can really help. SET has done a lot for me.

If she's dedicated to DBT and really commits, you might see some positive changes. Then again, she might not stick with it. You don't want to make promises you can't keep.

[pedal9]

I really do meet her with compassion and so much patience. Too much, I think, which enabled a codependent relationship. Yesterday she said that my reassurance wasn't explicit enough. I feel like no matter what I do, there's always one step higher that I didn't give her.

I hope you're right about DBT. I do use SET and really try to validate her emotions.

[Ozzie101]

It sounds like you're doing things right, then. I'd stay the course.

Yesterday she said that my reassurance wasn't explicit enough. I feel like no matter what I do, there's always one step higher that I didn't give her.

That may be right. You can reassure until you're blue in the face and it still won't fill that empty place inside. I've encountered the same thing with H. But, with time, therapy and consistency, that could get better.

I hope someone with more experience and knowledge than I have will pitch in with some other tips!

[pedal9]

I thank you for the words of encouragement and hopefulness, Ozzie. It does help.