I desperately need help supporting my partner with BPD

[Rowan G]

My partner was diagnosed with BPD about a year and a half ago now, roughly 6 months before we started seeing each other. There's a lot to our story, and a lot I've done wrong and failed in being there for her, but in short, I seriously struggle to support her in certain moments of crisis; anger, coldness, accusation. I'm good and have improved a lot in support for her in more depressive and emotional episodes, but I feel like I have a block in supporting her when it comes to anger etc. I think I take her words too personally as if she means them, even though I know she doesn't. I'm also becoming increasingly anxious in those moments that I'm going to say or do the wrong thing and make things worse, and I think that in turn makes me more unsupportive. We've talked countless times about what I can do in those moments to support her, and, although yes on many occasions I have failed to do some or all of those things in crisis moments, I feel like I've often done these things and its failed to help, and she continues to feel that I'm just not taken our conversations on board and that I've NEVER done the things we've talked about. I'm terrified that I'm bad for her, that I've made her worse, but I know I can be better, but I need to be better now. She feels a year is long enough, way too long in fact for the lack of improvement we've seen. I'm about to lose her and I need to know how to support her better, and how to block out my own bias in these moments

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Rowan G, and

boy do i know what you mean.

anticipating my exs next "episode" kept me walking on eggshells and anxious, sometimes snapping at the slightest thing. the depressive episodes had me keeping my distance. and the conversations we would have in times of calm about how to best react seemed to go out the window when things went crazy.

this can get better. it really can. youre in a great place.

tell us what is going on most recently. what are the two of you arguing about?

[jaded7]

Must say Rowan. I KNOW exactly how this feels. Especially the part about taking things you are called personally.

I've been called in the last year when she was raging at me: "a sh**ty businessman, horrible marketer, a "child", can't "adult", my birthday card I gave her on her birthday "stupid and I got it in the checkout line at the grocery store" (untrue..and she forgot my birthday 5 weeks earlier), a "fraud wellness professional", a "liar", "bullPLEASE READter" (for telling her Dad I couldn't go to dinner with them because I had a event at my business- I did, two weeks before she helped me pick the date), my business is "stupid", I "eat PLEASE READty food", am a "horrible driver and she'll never ride with me again", a "plagiarist" for posting reviews from magazines on social media (ALWAYS with proper attribution), my Christmas present from last year, I just learned last week in a rage, was "a PLEASE READty book you got in the checkout line at New Seasons"...and on and on.

I take these things very personally. Before I knew about BPD and came on this board I would just be shellshocked after a typical 1 -2 hour abuse session. They always seemed triggered by something so minor, so insignificant. Once she got so mad yelling at me that she violently pulled the car off onto the shoulder in the dark and rain on a busy freeway and came to sudden stop and was going to make me walk 5 miles.

Maybe I should NOT have taken all of this personally, maybe I should not have been angry after these. But anyway, I'm looking forward to others chiming in here.

[Rowan G]

Thank you both for the support and reassurance, it's helpful to hear that other people are going through similar things.

I want to be clear though that I haven't come here to just vent or complain about the difficulties of loving someone with BPD, because we know it's not their fault right? We know they're not bad people for it and that they feel the same things as us just a lot more intensely, and that these feelings come from a place of extreme pain and fear. And I think something that's helpful to remember, is that when we do feel awful after something or after a fight with them, we tend to feel better much quicker than they do, they stay with those feelings for so much longer. I think that's helpful to help us empathise.

Once removed - it's not what we're arguing about that's the issue necessarily, that changes frequently, the bit that's consistent is the way we argue, and how whatever started the fight, it tends to turn into a discussion/argument about my failings in being able to support her.

The big challenge at the moment is that we were meant to be moving house this week from the country to the city. The country is a bad place for her which exaggerates her feelings of loneliness and being trapped, she also sees the city we'd move to as her home and her being there would do loads for her mental health. She's been in the country for almost a year now and so that's where the first element of pressure and urgency comes from; she needs to move soon, no more waiting. She's incredibly uncertain about whether we should move in together, she was certain for 8 months until about 2 weeks ago, when she first expressed her uncertainty. She's scared we'll be trapped in a 6 month flat contract and the relationship might not work out because of my failings in supporting her - her big question; "And then what?". This is putting massive pressure on her about whether she should make the decision to stay together or leave. As much as I want her to stay, I've tried to explain to her that for her own health, whatever decision she makes she needs to commit to it and stick with it.

She's reached to someone on the outside for support and says they're doing a much better job at supporting her than I am. In the last couple of weeks she often turns to them if I've caused her to spiral. I try to pay attention to what this person does that works, and then put those things into practice myself, and it doesn't seem to be successful. Even when I manage to do things textbook to the advice and what we've discussed (note that I've only really managed to do this in these areas within this last week) she tells me I've done nothing, and even if these things have worked and helped de-escalate in the moment, she'll tell me later that I've never succeeded in supporting or helping her.

I know I still have A LOT of room for improvement, but when nothing at all seems to work, I'm lost...

[itsmeSnap]

I want to be clear though that I haven't come here to just vent or complain about the difficulties of loving someone with BPD

Some people get caught up trying to fix things or offer advice, others in empathizing and bonding through shared experience. If only we could all learn from each other for a happy and productive middle

I'm team advice myself but sometimes it helps to reach out with an "I know that feel" before the "do this and that, because reasons"

I try to pay attention to what this person does that works, and then put those things into practice myself, and it doesn't seem to be successful.

What does this person do? And why do you feel it doesn't work when you do it?

[Rowan G]

Thank you for reaching out itsmeSnap

Some people get caught up trying to fix things or offer advice, others in empathizing and bonding through shared experience. If only we could all learn from each other for a happy and productive middle Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I'm team advice myself but sometimes it helps to reach out with an "I know that feel" before the "do this and that, because reasons"

Fair, that's a fair point you're right. I appreciate both thank you.

What does this person do? And why do you feel it doesn't work when you do it?

They remained calm and reasonable throughout - this is something I've known for a while I need to do and I have struggled with it sometimes, but I've certainly got better at it and have been able to remain calm consistently now, this does seemed to have helped not escalate things at least, though I don't think my partner has noticed this.

On the one occasion where something they said triggered my partner, they calmly apologised and admitted they shouldn't have said it, without getting defensive and sticking to their guns. Again although there's been times in the past where I haven't managed to do this, I have done so more recently. Some times I can recall where it was successful in avoiding her heading into a spiral (and my partner has said I'm better at stopping her from heading into spiral, just not good once she's in one) but there have been times more recently, within the last 5 days, where this strategy hasn't been effective at all.

Clear and reassuring communication, especially over text. For example this person was talking to her about her struggles then read a message and went silent for a bit, came back and apologised for the delay and gave a reasonable explanation for their absence. Similarly, they've offered their support in talking through things if she wants it and it's okay if she doesn't. If there's something they want to talk about, they explain calmly and clearly that it's nothing urgent, it can wait and they should focus on her first because that's what's important. I can sometimes be quite short in my messages and not explain the thinking and feeling behind them, in ways like this, not spelling things out and therefore creating room for her to worry. I feel like I've done exactly these things over text recently, and she's claimed afterwards that I've done nothing to support her in those moments.

The most recent one is they told her simply to breath when she was in a spiral. I haven't done this before (she tells me that she's told me to do this previously, I can't remember but I'm not saying she's wrong, I have a bad memory, does that mean I actually don't care and I don't know it?). I've not had an opportunity to try this yet but I will if it arises.

All of the things in this list have been things she's brought to me afterwards as things I can do to help support her. The bit I struggle with is my partner telling me I've done nothing out of the things we discussed I should do, when I know I have. Does it matter that I have if they haven't done what they were supposed to do?

On the flip side, there's been a few things that this person has done which I feel have been the opposite of helpful and actually unfair and thoughtless, and that I feel fairly confident that my partner would call me out on and get upset at. But that's a separate list.

I must be missing something here? I've got nearly a year of failed attempts at supporting her hanging over my head, is that the reason these things aren't working yet? Am I expecting too much too soon from my partner? Maybe it's unfair of me to expect acknowledgement of doing the supportive things we've discussed and agreed upon at this stage. Maybe I just need to keep on doing them until they start to outweigh the history of failure. The issue is I need to help her now, we need to feel progress now, that's the main challenge here.

Sorry for the long post, and thank you for reading.

[once removed]

our partners are prone to exaggeration and blame.

i dont mean to be dismissive of what your partner says, and i dont want to encourage that attitude in you; far from it.

but your partner has a different relationship with this person shes seeking support from than you, one that is less loaded.

and the point that i really want to make is that you dont want to try to compete (that is a losing battle), or see this, necessarily, as an inadequacy on your end, or something the other person has that you dont.

what is going on between the two of you is both more complicated and more simple than finding the perfect words or technique. in this relationship, you often will bounce back between being the greatest person in the world or the worst. both should be taken with a grain of salt.

so your partner essentially says "you suck, this other person is great". what youre hearing is "i should be more like this person", when, underneath it all, what she is communicating may be more subtle.

the real challenge is to listen with empathy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy) to what your partner is trying to communicate. and its hard, because they are, inherently, over emotional and not great communicators when it comes to their needs. asking validating questions (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0) can help. trying, as best as you can, not to take it personally, and by that i mean not view every complaint as an indicator that youre doing everything wrong, will also help.

it takes practice to really get at the crux of what your partner is communicating. it takes emotional balance not to take it personally, to understand that the nature of the disorder involves a lot of blame, a lot of shifting of goal posts, but when youre able to do that, you will find that valid kernel of truth that you can work with.