I have been dating my GF for about a year and a half. It was very intense and passionate from the start, including some warning signs that I ignored... likely because of the hi highs and my own dependency issues. At this point there are weekly to bi-weekly conflicts with the following themes: I don't care about her as much as she cares about me or the right way, I do not treat her "special," fear of rejection or thinking I think she is a bad person, I do not take responsibility for hurting her and I hurt her often and terribly according to her. She switches from idealizes to hating me, including angry yelling, cutting remarks, and in a couple of instances pushing or hitting me.
She is talking more lately about a horrible trauma/rape that happened to her when she was 19. When she discusses her feelings about this it is the most "real" in terms of her pain and might be the source of her BPD traits. But she has a lot of trouble not externalizing her feelings about this and directing her anger at me. "How come we cannot ever focus on the hurt you cause me?... everyone wants to blame this or see me as defined by it." I myself am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and a clinical psychologist so I get her defensiveness and preference to focus on me rather than her real hurt, I do this myself sometimes.
I am at the point where I cannot continue to be her punching bag, I am emotionally exhausted and always bracing for the next emotional waves from her. I am always worried about what I say and do and my life has shrunk in some meaningful ways to try to protect from upsetting her. I have regular intentions to leave but have struggled to put this into action. I get drawn back in by her and my own fear of leaving an losing this intensity.
I just want to say hello and share that I'm in a similar spot to you, and I also was sexually abused as a child and I'm, as you, am always the punching bag- massive amounts of criticism, demeaning lectures and condescension, angry attacks and name calling.
Specifically
I don't care about her as much as she cares about me or the right way, I do not treat her "special,"
This was the first and most common theme, always from misreading my intentions or creating a 'story' in her head about how I feel. I would constantly tell her that I'd do anything for her, but she would set up mind reading expectation traps that I always failed.
I do not take responsibility for hurting her and I hurt her often and terribly according to her.But I don't even know what I did!
She switches from idealizes to hating me, including angry yelling, cutting remarks,Me too, in one day she can go from calling me horrible names and telling me how much I fail, in everything. Then I'll take one day and try to get my head together, and she'll send an email saying how much she loves me and 'us'.
We are in the middle of a long period of no contact, you can read my thread if you'd like, you'll probably see some similarities. I myself am having a hard go of it not talking to her, letting go somehow.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=342567.0
