Difficult relationship with potential BPD ex-wife

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,
I have been married to my wife for 16 years.  Last year, we separated (Jan) and she moved out to a room.  But after just a month, she moved in with my cousin and her husband's home in February as she wasn't able to sustain herself financially.  Her husband had a friend living in his house.  Soon after she moved in with them, she started a relationship with this guy (she denied it until she had an issue with the guy and he sent me an email saying that they had been having an affair since Mar 2019.  This was in Jan 2020) and she always maintained that she just spends a lot of time with this guy and he's just there for her.  That she just goes watch movies with him, etc.  And how nice he is and he wants a relationship with her but he's not her type, etc.  She used to tell me that "I'm sick in the head" for thinking that. In October 2019, she moved out with my cousin (who cheated on her husband and is getting a divorce as well, yeah it a mess around there) into an apartment.  But she still hangs out with the other person and stays the nights with him at his place.  She denied this as well until recently.  She always told me that I was delusional and insecure about it.  She was adamant that nothing was going on and I was the one doing something wrong that why I think that she is.

So she has moved 3 times already since she left the house:
Jan - into a room
Feb - with my cousin and her husband's home
May - from a room in their home to their garage room (with a girlfriend of hers - who moved out 3 months later)
Oct - moved out with my cousin into an apartment

She still try to stay involved with my family events  but says she doesn't want to make it work with me.  She still went on vacation with my kids and I.  She hasn't filed divorce yet neither so I'm super confused about everything.  But she complains about her life and how she struggling financially, heath wise and how she has to take muscle relaxers to reduce pain.  How she can't sleep, etc.  But she's constantly out and seeing/bringing different people around our kids.  She recently brought another guy around my kids around Christmas even though it wasn't anything serious with this new person.  Soon after he and other guys that was seeing had a fight because of this new person.  This is when that first guy reached out to me and told me about their affair and this new guy, etc.  However, about a week later they made up again and see each again.

Then there are times she tells me that she's happy and that her only struggle is financial.  We have 2 kids together but she doesn't seem to have very much concerned about them anymore.  She prioritize herself and her needs over them.  She never wants to attend their events.  Or she's always late to their events if she has to take them to it on the weekends when the kids are with her.  I offered her to live in our family home with the kids and I will take care of it financially but she doesn't want to live with them in that home. 

She hasn't made me feel like she loves me for a long time now.  When she was living with us, she would be gone all day from about 10AM to about 10PM.  Work then Zumba after work.  Then she would stay with her Zumba friends to either eat or just talk to avoid coming home.  Her excuse was that I treated her bad so she didn't want to be around me.  She would be physically and verbally abusive if I questioned her.  She wouldn't care if it disturbed our neighbor in our very quite neighbor full of families and friends of our children or if she was hurting me and what the kids were seeing.

And in 16 years, she moved out on avg every 3 months.  There might have been once or twice that she made it about 6 months.  She will drag my kids with her when they were younger.  But over the last 3 years, she started leaving them behind.  Saying that she didn't want them to suffer.  She would usually come back after a week or 2.  She was usually moving out with a family member or friend but stayed in touch.

I wasn't really sure about our relationship from the beginning because she cheated on me but I stayed in the relationship as she got pregnant but the relationship was always bad.  Every time there was a benefit to her, she would move out quickly if she thought it would help her live a better life.  She will only come back if she couldn't see a long term solution for her.

She moved out 2 weeks after she got her green card and we were separated for 8 months but we were still "together".  She moved back in with me when I bought a home.

She never accepts any responsibilities for her actions.  Always shifts blame on me or others if she's fight with them.  She can only get along with people who never disagree with her.  As soon as you disagree with her, she cuts you out.  She does that to her friends, family.  Anyone really who disagrees with her or try to tell her something that she doesn't want to hear.

She had a rough childhood.  Her mother was killed by her father when she was still an infant.  She was raised by a very controlling, paranoid (due to her mother's death) and physically abusive maternal grandmother.  She never meet her father and hated him which is expected. 

I know she was seeing a psychologist when she was younger but she never really shared any details with me about it.  She always said that none of what happened to her impacted her she was too young to understand when it happened.

She was never diagnosed as a BPD but a person who's very knowledgeable about the topic thinks that she might be.  She suffers from anxiety.  She lacks empthy, very compulsive and makes poor financial decisions.  More importantly, I'm just concerned about how she completely left her kids behind and started a new life without any concerns about the impact on their future.  She has never mentioned or talked to about their future.  How we plan things to help their future, etc...nothing.

A few questions: 
-Does she sound like a BPD?
-Does she love our kids?  She's able to take care of them well.  She makes sure that she dresses them well, etc.  But she never talks about their future and how she wants to support their goals or asks them about their dreams.  She doesn't like to attend their games, etc.  She doesn't really hugs them genuinely I feel or plans activities with them unless it is someone else's Idea.

I'm questioning my own sanity and questioning if I'm a Narcissist or sociopath.  Is that normal?  I can't stop thinking about her even though she has nothing to offer to me or our children.  Sometimes, I feel like I can't raise my kids by myself even though I have been successfully doing it for last 13 months but I would never give up on my kids and will always put them first.  I have accomplished a lot personally over these 13 months as well even with all of this stress.  But this kind of chaos has been my life for the last 16 years and I feel like I'm addicted to it and that's why I want her  back in my life knowing damn well nothing will change.

I was never stressed (at least not like this) in my life for a long period about anything even though out the 16 years with her.  But now I have developed anxiety that I can't seem to shed. I didn't know what anxiety was until this separation.  I'm questioning my own sanity and questioning if I'm a Narcissist or sociopath or BPD.  Is that normal? 

I look forward to your feedback.  Thank you much!

[HappyNoLucky]

Hi,
I have been married to my wife for 16 years.  Last year, we separated (Jan) and she moved out to a room.  But after just a month, she moved in with my cousin and her husband's home in February as she wasn't able to sustain herself financially.  Her husband had a friend living in his house.  Soon after she moved in with them, she started a relationship with this guy (she denied it until she had an issue with the guy and he sent me an email saying that they had been having an affair since Mar 2019.  This was in Jan 2020) and she always maintained that she just spends a lot of time with this guy and he's just there for her.  That she just goes watch movies with him, etc.  And how nice he is and he wants a relationship with her but he's not her type, etc.  She used to tell me that "I'm sick in the head" for thinking that. In October 2019, she moved out with my cousin (who cheated on her husband and is getting a divorce as well, yeah it a mess around there) into an apartment.  But she still hangs out with the other person and stays the nights with him at his place.  She denied this as well until recently.  She always told me that I was delusional and insecure about it.  She was adamant that nothing was going on and I was the one doing something wrong that why I think that she is.

So she has moved 3 times already since she left the house:
Jan - into a room
Feb - with my cousin and her husband's home
May - from a room in their home to their garage room (with a girlfriend of hers - who moved out 3 months later)
Oct - moved out with my cousin into an apartment

She still try to stay involved with my family events  but says she doesn't want to make it work with me.  She still went on vacation with my kids and I.  She hasn't filed divorce yet neither so I'm super confused about everything.  But she complains about her life and how she struggling financially, heath wise and how she has to take muscle relaxers to reduce pain.  How she can't sleep, etc.  But she's constantly out and seeing/bringing different people around our kids.  She recently brought another guy around my kids around Christmas even though it wasn't anything serious with this new person.  Soon after he and other guys that was seeing had a fight because of this new person.  This is when that first guy reached out to me and told me about their affair and this new guy, etc.  However, about a week later they made up again and see each again.

Then there are times she tells me that she's happy and that her only struggle is financial.  We have 2 kids together but she doesn't seem to have very much concerned about them anymore.  She prioritize herself and her needs over them.  She never wants to attend their events.  Or she's always late to their events if she has to take them to it on the weekends when the kids are with her.  I offered her to live in our family home with the kids and I will take care of it financially but she doesn't want to live with them in that home. 

She hasn't made me feel like she loves me for a long time now.  When she was living with us, she would be gone all day from about 10AM to about 10PM.  Work then Zumba after work.  Then she would stay with her Zumba friends to either eat or just talk to avoid coming home.  Her excuse was that I treated her bad so she didn't want to be around me.  She would be physically and verbally abusive if I questioned her.  She wouldn't care if it disturbed our neighbor in our very quite neighbor full of families and friends of our children or if she was hurting me and what the kids were seeing.

And in 16 years, she moved out on avg every 3 months.  There might have been once or twice that she made it about 6 months.  She will drag my kids with her when they were younger.  But over the last 3 years, she started leaving them behind.  Saying that she didn't want them to suffer.  She would usually come back after a week or 2.  She was usually moving out with a family member or friend but stayed in touch.

I wasn't really sure about our relationship from the beginning because she cheated on me but I stayed in the relationship as she got pregnant but the relationship was always bad.  Every time there was a benefit to her, she would move out quickly if she thought it would help her live a better life.  She will only come back if she couldn't see a long term solution for her.

She moved out 2 weeks after she got her green card and we were separated for 8 months but we were still "together".  She moved back in with me when I bought a home.

She never accepts any responsibilities for her actions.  Always shifts blame on me or others if she's fight with them.  She can only get along with people who never disagree with her.  As soon as you disagree with her, she cuts you out.  She does that to her friends, family.  Anyone really who disagrees with her or try to tell her something that she doesn't want to hear.

She had a rough childhood.  Her mother was killed by her father when she was still an infant.  She was raised by a very controlling, paranoid (due to her mother's death) and physically abusive maternal grandmother.  She never meet her father and hated him which is expected. 

I know she was seeing a psychologist when she was younger but she never really shared any details with me about it.  She always said that none of what happened to her impacted her she was too young to understand when it happened.

She was never diagnosed as a BPD but a person who's very knowledgeable about the topic thinks that she might be.  She suffers from anxiety.  She lacks empthy, very compulsive and makes poor financial decisions.  More importantly, I'm just concerned about how she completely left her kids behind and started a new life without any concerns about the impact on their future.  She has never mentioned or talked to about their future.  How we plan things to help their future, etc...nothing.

A few questions: 
-Does she sound like a BPD?
-Does she love our kids?  She's able to take care of them well.  She makes sure that she dresses them well, etc.  But she never talks about their future and how she wants to support their goals or asks them about their dreams.  She doesn't like to attend their games, etc.  She doesn't really hugs them genuinely I feel or plans activities with them unless it is someone else's Idea.

I'm questioning my own sanity and questioning if I'm a Narcissist or sociopath.  Is that normal?  I can't stop thinking about her even though she has nothing to offer to me or our children.  Sometimes, I feel like I can't raise my kids by myself even though I have been successfully doing it for last 13 months but I would never give up on my kids and will always put them first.  I have accomplished a lot personally over these 13 months as well even with all of this stress.  But this kind of chaos has been my life for the last 16 years and I feel like I'm addicted to it and that's why I want her  back in my life knowing damn well nothing will change.

I was never stressed (at least not like this) in my life for a long period about anything even though out the 16 years with her.  But now I have developed anxiety that I can't seem to shed. I didn't know what anxiety was until this separation.  I'm questioning my own sanity and questioning if I'm a Narcissist or sociopath or BPD.  Is that normal? 

I look forward to your feedback.  Thank you much!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I highly doubt that you're a narcissist or a sociopath, as you seem so focused upon others and interested in their well being.

Your wife could very likely be a pwBPD (person with BPD) as she seems very unstable.

I'm going to move your post to the Bettering Board where you will learn strategies that will help you navigate this relationship with her, however it unfolds.

[HappyNoLucky]

Thank you @Cat Familiar.

Anyone else had a similar experience or some feedback to move past this.

I have made a decision to move on from this relationship and never going back to it.  I just want to understand how to best navigate my future interactions with her to best co-parent with her.  I also want to make sure that she's in a good place as it directly impact our children.  Above all, I want to find the best way to heal, learn, and better myself  so I can move on with my life.