I'm in so deep...

[MattInIowa]

So let me start off by saying that my wife is 28 and I am 36. We were just married in May of 2019 and have been together since 2015. She has been clinically diagnosed with this disorder. She has been honest about it from the beginning g but it does not make it any easier. It has always been a struggle. But recently it got very bad. She cheated with an ex in the summer of '18. We were planning a wedding, and while I was home watching the kids (because she would pitch a fit and fight with me otherwise) she was going to the bar with her ex, emotional and physical intimacy. I had caught on but if course it was lie after lie until I got in her phone. I told her it was him or me... She chose me... So I thought. Turns out he up and left her with not a word. I did my best to forgive. My best to forget. Fast forward, we are 3 months into the marriage. I notice similar changes in her to the summer before. I ask her about this and ask if there's someone else and of course I'm crazy. Well I did some digging and snooping in her phone, and come to find out that not only is she once again seeing and talking to this guy (not physically this time) but her 8 year old from a previous relationship... IS ACTUALLY THIS GUY'S! I tell her I'm done. That I want a divorce. But of course, I'm so in love with this woman and I want my family to stay together. She tells me that she has no intentions of finding out the true paternity and she will leave well enough alone. So then things start going good again. Then this last month she opens up to family about her sons possible birth father. They tell her how selfish we are both being by not finding out for the sake of the child. Now I'm diving into retreat mode because I'm worried this will lead to more of the same pattern from her with him. I have told her to go be with him. That she can have him. But she tells me that's not what she wants and that she wants what we have to get better. She said due to what her family said it made her feel guilty and that her son deserves to k ow his real father. While I agree with this I'm worried that she's going to wind up messing around again. Or at the least falling for him again. She has told me she will not communicate with the man directly that it can be his mom or sister that she talks to. Guys, I'm at a loss right now. Am I setting myself up for failure and heartbreak? I don't know what to do. We have a 3 year old disabled child together. A home. Lots of great times. I feel like we are meant to be... But the things she said to this guy in messages.. It's hard to hear from someone who months ago said the vows she said to me. I'm so scared about our future...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Blast000]

You have a lot going on Matt. I am sorry for all that.

It's not radical to say that some of her words and actions are related to her diagnosis. This does not heal or fix anything, though.

I highly recommend that you see a therapist or maybe a marriage therapist. You also need her to get involved in a program like a DBT Therapy program so that her past behavior doesn't reoccur.

I would also suggest getting a therapist for yourself. You've been cheated on and there's a lot to deal with from the aftermath. I think you could benefit from it.

I would also set clear boundaries regarding her ex. It should be clear, I think, that she is to have no contact with him and what the consequences might be if she does.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Matt! Welcome!

I agree with Blast -- you do have a lot on your plate at the moment. Blast's recommendation of therapy is a good one. It's been really helpful to me and to other members when it comes to sorting through our own thoughts and feelings. Of course you feel angry and betrayed. That's natural under the circumstances.

I will say that threats of divorce and "go be with him" (when spoken in anger) are normal when one is heavily triggered and upset. I get it, believe me. Before I came here, I actually pulled out a suitcase and was ready to leave before my H broke down in tears. But, it's not a healthy communication style. Don't threaten what you are not truly ready and willing to carry out. Otherwise, they're empty threats that can, ultimately, do real damage to an already fragile relationship.

But she tells me that's not what she wants and that she wants what we have to get better.

What do you want? Have you given that very careful, serious thought?

[MattInIowa]

I have given this very careful thought. I do want to be with her, but I’m so insecure about this man. I try so hard to move on, but it seems I just dwell in the past. I look at old conversations, secret messages. I really don’t get why. It’s almost like I’m a glutton for pain. I so want for this marriage to work, but I guess I’m scared. Am I crazy for worrying what this will lead to?

[Jbm71]

I feel for you. I’m very much in a similar boat to you, but I’m separated at the moment, and trying my hardest to put things back together.

In my relationship there was a complete breakdown of trust, and subsequently my wife constantly felt like she was a disappointment to me. She would always ask “why do you even want to be with me?” And I would do my best to answer, but that same thought would repeat in her mind, that I’d be better off without her.

Speaking purely for myself I’m starting to find that a lot of my trust issues actually stem from my own insecurities, and if there’s one thing BPD people need in their relationships is to feel secure. It’s like if they feel your suspicious, they consequently feel as if they’ve failed you, and feel destabilized in the relationship and if your wife is anything like mine she’s going to reach out to someone who is not going to make her feel like a failure.

At the same time I’m trying to accept that this is still the woman I fell in love with fourteen years ago, and I knew full well that these relationships were possible - my own relationship with my wife started in a less than honorable fashion, but I’m doing my best to believe that if they feel like a successful part of the marriage they will generally make better decisions and communicate more effectively.

Like I said though, this is just me, and I’m currently as deep in this mess as anybody. You are in the right place though and there are many insightful and intelligent people here to help you out.

All the best!