Fearing being alone

[isilme]

I'm not sure if this is the right board, I'm just hitting a low lately, and I guess the lack of family due to needs for NC just are hitting hard right now.

NC with BPD dad since he kicked me out in 1997.  Short short version - horribly physically abusive when I was under age 10, emotionally, psychologically abusive after he was forced into therapy at some point, neglected me quite a lot, especially when he had sole custody.

NC with Waif Queen BPD mom, LC for years, then NC about a decade ago.  She was also physically abusive as well as emotionally, psychologically abusive, and also neglected me.  She liked to use my name and those of people like my mother in law on her credit applications, so I had to go NC - somehow talking to her is giving her permission to do things like that.  I was her caretaker growing up, she's mad that as an adult I've not given up everything to move back in with her and wait on her hand and foot.

I didn't know much of my FOO.  It was me, mom, dad, and they all lived in different states.  Her family is mostly deceased.  The few alive I've seen less than I can count on one hand.

Dad's FOO supported him stalking me after kicking me out.  I had to go NC with them to feel safe he might not come into my workplace to harass me (he did, and he sent his dad, grandpa, to do it as well). 

So, I'm alone as far as any family. 

I spent a lot of time alone as a kid, relegated to playing quietly alone, downstairs, in whatever basement or lower level family room had my toys.  I was to listen for mom, so I could rush to do whatever she needed, and to keep her from breaking her neck on the stairs - she was often drugged up on opioids. 

As the weird kid who wasn't allowed often to go to anyone's house to play, I had no close friends.  I was forbidden to talk about home, and any kid I made friends with were bashed by my parents.  They'd mock the little girl, her parents, make fun of how they figured sex worked between the parents.  (Yeah., covert sexual abuse was there, too).  I got the impression I was a bad person for wanting to be friends with someone whose family was so embarrassing, so I would back off.  I was afraid of their displeasure and so had no friends pretty much until high school and college.  And those took some fighting to keep.  I didn't date until I was 19. 

My BPD husband (yup, married what I know) has a small family.  They are not close.  The BPD fleas are everywhere, and while it all looks tame to my eyes, (no one is brandishing a knife threatening murder-suicide, for instance) it causes my husband plenty of grief.  The parents' lack of executive decision making and inability to see only they can make themselves content or happy makes visits horribly depressing.  They are chronically ill, we don't see the dad lasting too many more years if that. 

My husband has his mother's genetics and has type II diabetes.  He's only 42, was diagnosed at 38.  It's hit him hard.  Our attempts to correct his eating and the imbalance caused by diabetes gave him kidney stones.  Neuropathy, migraines, mood swings plus BPD, he's a ray of sunshine when it comes to how long he thinks he will live, and what medical issues he thinks will crop up.  He's convinced his kidneys will fail.  I've been telling him that's silly, our doc always says his function is fine.

We never had kids.  My parents, plus his BPD, I fought having any desire for kids. And now I am far older than I'd feel safe for me or a baby for a first pregnancy.  I've seen women my age stubbornly try and have miscarriage after miscarriage.  I can't face that, nor can my husband.  Adoption isn't easy in our area, and with his health, plus my own recently diagnosed immune disorder, I'm not sure how many "spoons" I'd have to give to a child.  So we adopt stray kitties.

Our youngest kitty was ailing and we learned she has chronic renal failure.  She's only 5.  We are working hard to keep her alive, but I am crying all the time feeling it's a losing battle.  We have to do subcutaneous fluids under her skin every other day to keep her kidney function up - water she drinkings just isn't hydrating her well.  I am scared I am being cruel and just forcing her to stay alive so I won't be sad. I hate needles, and I'm having to poke an IV line into her every other day.  People say it doesn't hurt them, and it IS making her more alert,playful, but I can't figure how to do this if we travel, I don't want to kennel her all the time.  My brain is broken trying to sort this out. 

Also, after learning what numbers on her charts factor into kidney health, I am now seeing where my husband stands as far as kidney function.  He's just under the threshold for being out of the normal range.  So maybe he's right, he's going to die of kidney failure. 

A friend died right before Christmas.  Another one the year previous at Labor Day.  A friend's brother in law died of a heart attack.  He was one year older than me, left behind a wife and 7 children.  I know the older you get the more this happens, I guess I'm just not ready to realize it? 

I feel so alone.  My coworkers are fine, they are pretty nice, I have a few friends but I hate laying this on them.  My husband really can't handle it if I do... he really really IS trying.  For having BPD he's done really well with the whole pet care things.  He won't do the needle, but he controls the line, counts out how long I need to hold onto her until I can take out the needle.  I am trying to get more involved outside the house.  A friend started a local knitting group - I can actually make this one. I tried going to one in the big city, but it's an hour drive both ways, on a work night.  Too many spoons, and BPDH was upset I'd be gone.  It wasn't worth it to keep going.  I am trying to teach paint and sips to keep a new local bookstore open.  No one reads, so we are trying to find activities for them to host to bring people in.  Poetry readings are fine, but if no one buys any coffee, it's not bringing in cash. At least we can charge upfront for a paint and sip. 

I know some of this is the cold weather.  My lungs hurt, joints hurt, it's still dark too soon. 

I've kinda figured I'd be alone eventually.  I was used to it as a kid.  I do better than many of my friends who've always had siblings or roommates and can't handle themselves without a gaggle of emotional supply nearby.  It just struck me this week that yes, I'm statistically likely to outlive BPDH, and, of course, outlive my pets.  I've never seen having kids to comfort you in your old age as valid - it felt too much like the BPD expectation of your kids will fix your emotions.  I'm just not doing well shaking this malaise.

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you fearing being alone. Losing friends and family members in the past and knowing it will happen in the future is sad and scary. I am alone as far as my immediate family is concerned: My mother with BPD passed away this summer and my two surviving siblings have BPD. I do have some wonderful friends and more distant relatives who treat me with kindness and respect, and this is after years of therapy. I think you are taking the right steps in not feeling so alone by reaching out to this site and expressing your feelings. Having grown up with abusive parents is a life long sorrow and it can help to take time to grieve before the feelings become too overwhelming by taking quiet time to check in with ourselves as often as we can. I admire your courage in going NC with your parents and getting married. What are some things that you do now that help you to feel better?

[Methuen]

Hi isilme

You are definitely in the right place!

Thanks for sharing your story.  I was an only child with uBPD mom.  She's a waif too, although occasionally the queen and witch can flash a presence.

After reading your story, my first thought, based on my experience of being in a zone perhaps similar to what you have described:

Breathe deeply. Breathe again, and again and again.  Each time you inhale count to three, hold for 3, exhale for 3.  Repeat a few times.  Focus on the breath, and nothing else.

For me, I've learned these feelings are just that, they're "feelings", and this too shall pass.

I am sorry about kitty.  That's rough.  Never had pets, but had two kids.  Sticking IV in my kids every day would be rough, so I can imagine how rough it is for you with kitty.  I am so sorry.  But kitty is lucky to have you.  One day at a time, and you and the vet will figure it out.

About the kidney stones.  I've had them my whole life.  Can blame my uBPD mom for part of that because she trained me not to drink when I was a child.  There was never water, milk or juice on the table at breakfast, in my lunch at school, or at suppertime.  It makes you pee too much.  I think she had a phobia about peeing.  Anyways, back to the kidney stones.  I've had them over 30 years.  Surgery, lithotripsy treatments, and long ago lost count of how many I have "passed".  My kidney function is fine.  Yes, I learned how to drink, although it was an actual "learning curve".  Drinking water helps keep kidneys healthy.

So, I'm alone as far as any family.

Sometimes maybe it's better that way right?  Or, maybe instead of thinking of family as DNA family, re-define family.  Family can be whatever you want it to be.  The old definition of "family" isn't relevant to everyone in today's world. We are family here at BPDfamily
 
You are smart (coming through loud and clear).  You have friends.  You have a job with good co-workers.  You have other activities you do for yourself (I would love to come to your paint and sip).  Books!  This is all wonderful!  Sounds like you already recognize all the positives, and maybe just need a little support and encouragement to climb out of the spot you find yourself in currently.

You were talking about "kids", and feeling past the point of "starting" family a little later.  Lots of people making the decision not to have them.  You have your reasons.  Not sure if you are feeling like you would enjoy contact with kids, even though you don't have your own?  Just because I don't have pets, doesn't mean I don't want to play with someone else's dog right?  I might be reading too much into the paragraph where you spoke about your decision not to have kids, but if you would like a little contact with kids, there are ways of building a relationship with a kid, without having the responsibility of the job 24/7 for 18+ years.  Forgive me if I "read too much" into that paragraph.

Also, after learning what numbers on her charts factor into kidney health, I am now seeing where my husband stands as far as kidney function.  He's just under the threshold for being out of the normal range.  So maybe he's right, he's going to die of kidney failure.

Could this be catastrophizing?  We children of BPD's tend to that, not surprisingly.  When I think of all the catastrophies I've ever imagined, well I guess maybe a couple of times my "worse case scenarios" came to pass, but overwhelmingly my catastrophizing was a septic field of "didn't happens" over my life.  Thoughts?

A friend died right before Christmas.  Another one the year previous at Labor Day.  A friend's brother in law died of a heart attack.  He was one year older than me, left behind a wife and 7 children.  I know the older you get the more this happens, I guess I'm just not ready to realize it?

I'm really sorry for all these losses.  I've observed that sometimes in life things happen in "bundles".  I think that's where the saying comes from that "things come in three's".  Sometimes they come in 4's, 5's, 6's.  But this difficult time period of multiple losses shall pass, and hopefully many years go by without these condolences being needed for you.  

I feel so alone.

 
You have us. We are always here.  

It sounds like you also have friends, and coworkers, poetry readings, and paint and sip.    

I know some of this is the cold weather.  My lungs hurt, joints hurt, it's still dark too soon.

Yep.  I get this too.  Recently came through a spell of a couple of weeks of -40C ish, or -40F ish, depending on where one lives.  I've never been a bath person, but I spent a LOT of time soaking in the tub during that spell.  It does wonders for the bones and joints. Plus it has the physiological effect of aiding sleep hygiene if one soaks in the tub about an hour before bed.  Now that it's warmed up where I live (OC or 42F) I've dispensed with the tub soaks.  Purely medicinal for pain management.  I hear you on the long dark days, but we're heading towards spring, and I'm already noticing the roughly extra 4 min of daylight each day since Christmas.

I've kinda figured I'd be alone eventually.  I was used to it as a kid.  I do better than many of my friends who've always had siblings or roommates and can't handle themselves without a gaggle of emotional supply nearby.

Yep.  I get this too.  I figure that since I grew up an only, if I become a widow (H is older than me), I'm likely to adjust easier than someone who doesn't know how to be in their own company.  However, that's kind of thinking the worst again, and while being aware of it is OK, spending too much time thinking about it probably isn't gonna be helpful.  So maybe back to a book, or paint and sip instead?

I'm just not doing well shaking this malaise.

Don't know if I managed to support or cheer you up at all, but that's all I've got right now  You're definitely in the right place.  Support is what we do here.  

[isilme]

Thanks, Methuen and zachira.

I don’t want to be around kids for the sake of it.  It’s more the consciousness of the fact that there isn’t anything of me that will endure past my time on earth.  Some things I’ve made, maybe.  I was looking at alternatives to urns following cremation, feel I need some sort of plan written given the past few years.  I saw a place where your ashes can be used in swirly glass paperweights, thought that was neat... then realized I’d be shunted off to goodwill without anyone to know it was me.  Kinda want to be shot into space, or put into fireworks.  I don’t have a ‘hometown’ really.  I’ve lived here longest, but it’s not ‘where I am from’ it’s where I landed?

My bpd husband is in a bad place, it drags me down.  I feel better at work sometimes because it’s an escape from the constant woe is me diatribes. 

We go see his parents tomorrow, this is a big source of his problems.  He’s catastrophizing to be certain. 

He was in a bad mood all day projecting his feelings about his parents onto everyone, being passive aggressive.  I finally went to a game night as I said I would, picking up fast food for him then heading home.  Guess we’ll see how he picks a fight over my leaving for 2 hours, or yells at me because he’s mad at his parents. 

[TelHill]

Hello isilme,

I have a similar story with my dBPDm - friends were not allowed. I was verbally abused if I brought a little girlfriend from school home to play with. I couldn’t invite them back & I couldn’t go to their house. The kid would be mad and drop me.  I had to sit alone in school and play alone at home.

I still have issues with finding friends. I am a widow in my mid 50s.

It would make up for having a bpd mom, an npd or bpd brother and enabler father. My extended family is also very problematic. There is a lot of mental illness and alcoholism. Am LC with my parents & NC with everyone else. It’s become a lot easier to detach with love since coming to this site.

I have great suggestions on how to make friends. It’s scary to follow.  It’s been my Achilles heel as an adult. If I get to know someone more than superficially, I run.

Take care and hope it gets better for you.

[isilme]

TelHIll,

I was verbally abused if I brought a little girlfriend from school home to play with. I couldn’t invite them back & I couldn’t go to their house. The kid would be mad and drop me.  I had to sit alone in school and play alone at home.

Yes, this is it exactly.  Then my parents would tell me I had no friends because I didn't like myself enough.   

I kept books on me at all times, because I assumed I'd be eating alone.  Sometimes I'd be lucky and be allowed to sit with other kids and listen in on the conversation, sometimes brave and take part.  If they didn't just reject me then and there, because as a parentified child I was admittedly weird.  Stunted in some ways, far more mature in others. 

Most people I know, like 95%m have siblings, so their home life was different simply from having more people around.  They literally were almost never alone, and when they were it was a rare treat to have a room to themselves, sole control of the TV... Also, parental attention was divided up?  When they were mad, maybe it wasn't at you if there's a sibling? Even golden children get yelled at time to time.  Only children are it.  Anything my mom "forgot" she did was blamed on me. 

My mood is a bit better, we didn't go visit the parents over a stomach bug scare.  I just go through funks and things like having a MOM or sister to run to... I don't.  I'm not joking when I tell people I feel like Harry Potter sometimes.  I think abused only children get his loneliness better than anyone else.  I live in a region where everyone has a million tias and tios (aunts, uncles), cousins, close knit, some never moving farther than across town from their parents.  Being estranged is just hard.  It really does make you feel worthless.  It's way too much to explain, the few members of my dad's family who've run into me in the last few years, after not talking to me for like 20, are surprised to hear how abusive he was, and that he kicked me out I didn't run away...to graduate college cum laude, the only female college graduate int eh family, and find gainful employment ever since.  They didn't care about me.  I realized about 10 years ago, after hiding from ym stepmother in a store (I did not want her to see me) that she'd never sought me out, tried to smooth things over with my dad... nothing. She never cared about me. My mom cared about me as a thing... a caretaker. 

I feel ok making friends - I trust too soon often, but hell, if I can cut ties with my parents, and abusive friend is easy - bye Felicia.  I just allow myself to be isolated by my husband's moods, and also, both of our health conditions push us to stay home a lot.  But friends... it's just not family.