We now have to face each other without any cover.

[John434811]

I have never posted on a board like this before.  It took me a very long time to realise I needed help. My mother had definite BD traits and I think it caused me to slip right into “dealing” with my wife’s similar traits. It took me a long while to pick up on the similarities because otherwise they are very different people.
Things are coming to a head now because all the activities we could lose ourselves in, like career and raising children are now over. We now have to face each other without any cover.
The immediate trigger was talking to a lawyer about estate planning, we found out that because we have different citizenships we need a slightly more complicated will. There are issues but all are solvable. My wife exploded with rage at this news. She threatened to divorce me, told me I didn’t love her, that I was a lousy lover and that the complications are all due to the fact that I’m an idiot.
This blow up led me to the book “stop walking on eggshells “ and then to this site.
Just writing it all down has helped with the tension I feel in my chest.

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[John434811]

This is the first time I have ever posted on a board like this. I feel dumb for having taken so long to realise that I need help. I have been married to a woman with BPD traits for 35 years. I suspect I lasted so long because I developed coping mechanisms from dealing with my mother.
There have been big blowups before but I have always stuck it out for the sake of the children. I felt if she was screaming at me then at least she wasn’t screaming at the kids.
The latest blowup came when we talked to a lawyer about wills and estate planning. Turns out because we have different citizenships the will has to be a bit more complicated than usual. There are issues but they are all very solvable. She blew up on hearing this. Accused me of being an idiot for “mismanagement of our finances” and leaving her in the lurch. She then went off on a tangent about how I never loved her and how I was a lousy lover.
I stumbled across a copy of “stop walking on eggshells” read the book in two sittings. Realised this was exactly what I had been putting up,with all my life, first from my mother then from my wife. Then I found this site.
Feels better just writing it all down.

[once removed]

hi John, and

i know what you mean about learning about BPD. it was a life saver for me.

There are issues but they are all very solvable. She blew up on hearing this. Accused me of being an idiot for “mismanagement of our finances” and leaving her in the lurch. She then went off on a tangent about how I never loved her and how I was a lousy lover.

ouch. how did you respond?

have things gone in a better trajectory since?