Need support and advice in divorcing

[Isitreal]

Married 6 yrs, have 4 year old daughter together. Just found out how wife has bpd and how it has affected me, and still is.
I never really loved her. I want to leave this relationship, and have a normal, healthy, and true loving relationship. I don't know what to do. She sees I don't really love her. I'm afraid she will do something drastic if she finds out my intention to leave. I am afraid of falling back into feeling that I should stay, and that this relationship is ok/partially my fault.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AbuNassif]

I'm learning something (too late) I think could be useful to you:

Forget about whether or not you loved her, or love her, or ever will. Love in marriage is overrated, it's the color sprinkles on the icing on the cake, it's not icing nor the cake. Mutual respect is the cake, it's what you want and need, and you can build that, and that can move you to a good divorce, or another chance at your marriage.

Forget about BPD. Suspecting/understanding that my wife has BPD helped me bring some compassion to my understanding of her, but it truly made her an "other", and also brought in a lot of fear, and fear ruins everything.

Get on with dealing with what you're dealing with inside of you, and think about what will be best for your 4 year old. Are you seeing a therapist? If not, why not? If you think you can't afford therapy, you won't afford a divorce. If you have the money to put towards a divorce lawyer to consult with, start down that path as well, just to see how hard of hit you're going to take and then decide if it's worth it. Is the disruption to your lives going to be greater than finding a way to coexist, or is staying in the marriage so painful that any disruption is worth the damage that will surely ensue with divorce? Is the pain of the marriage hurting your child? How much of the difficulty in your marriage can be addressed by changing your own behavior, or your patterns of interacting? Ask all those questions and write down your answers. Think this through, do the math, concentrate on that, on yourself, instead of wondering about BPD, and instead of worrying about anything drastic you fear she may do.

Have an honest conversation with her. You may just need to restructure your marriage to make it work. Sleep separately, strict divisions of labor, space & respect like you would give a stranger in friendliness, separate your finances like roommates or business partners, etc. A new outlook and a new routine. It may make a good transition to divorce or you'll find peace in your home and consequently inside your heart.

I think if you're positive, confident and unafraid, it will be reflected back at you. No matter what direction you go in.

I feel your pain (more than you know), and wish you luck.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s challenging to be in a relationship with a spouse with BPD and knowing you want to leave, makes this even more difficult. You are wise to consider the consequences of making such a big change, particularly how it will affect your daughter.

I’m redirecting your post to the Bettering board. There you can learn strategies that can help you navigate a smoother exit from your relationship should you do that.