Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries

[zencalm]

Hi, I am new to this message board. Please excuse newbie questions or lack of familiarity with terminology. The “first post” guidelines suggest sharing some background first so here goes:

I am straight, age early 40s, my BPD partner is mid 30s, together for 16 months, engaged to be married in 6 months. I love my partner very much, she is intelligent, thoughtful, wants a healthy lifestyle (yoga etc.), and is loyal. I want to make our relationship work but I am struggling a bit. We had two big fights in five days.

The first fight was because she was upset after meeting a friend (in other words nothing to do with me), second was after Valentine’s Day (she was disappointed in her gifts). In Each of these fights, I felt verbally abused (she engaged in name calling, expressing intense disappointment, doubts about whether we should stay together etc.), and aggressive behavior like turning on bright lights at night so I couldn’t fall asleep. After the first fight she apologized profusely and admitted it had nothing to do with me and that it was unfair for her to speak to me that way. After second fight last night she is till upset and is disappointed I did not do enough to give her a good experience (it also happens to be her birthday). I got a gift ($15 gift - it was too cheap), took her out to dinner to a fairly fancy restaurant ($100), booked her a massage (which she did not like), and got her a card. She compared me to her ex who apparently would do more extravagant things - concerts etc.

She goes to therapy once a week. She admits she has issues. she also says she thinks I need to change some things. I am willing to do so but I want to make sure I protect my sanity and sense of self respect and set boundaries. I don’t know how to do this in a step by step manner. I have told her I feel verbally abused and mentally abused and it saddens her to hear that. We both want to spend our lives together. We are very loyal people and want this to work. She says the one thing that gives her the most anxiety is me saying I have to think about whether we can continue to be together. I want to continue to be engaged and get married but I would like to know what I can do to set healthy boundaries and what tools there are that I can use in the heat of the moment so I can be calm and handle the situation. I have done this in the past sometimes probably by sheer luck. But is there an organized way to do this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[khibomsis]

  Zencalm, and welcome to the family!  It sounds like you are going through a really tough time, and I feel for you while you navigate these difficult waters.

The fact that your fiance has been diagnosed and is in treatment is very important to a healthy outcome, and greatly improves your chances of success.

Generally this phase of your relationship is a tricky one, even if none of the partners have a mental illness it is the time one begins to set boundaries. The first romance is over, and part of deepening love is getting to know each other better and figuring out how to get along. It is often said that it is somewhere around now that the things you used to adore while courting are starting to drive you crazy   So what I am saying is that the utmost caution is needed and it is wise of you approach this board for support.


I am sorry to say this but sleep deprivation is most definitely one of the listed forms of abuse, and I would set a firm boundary around that. There is an inventory here which is most helpful in allowing you to take a good look at your relationship and improve your understanding of what is going on:
https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

With the verbal abuse to my mind there is a distinction between what they say when dysregulated and what is said in a calm frame of mind. Picture dysregulation like an electrical storm going through
the brain, kind of like an emotional epilepsy, and that will help you to discount much of what is said. I try and practice deep listening while subtracting my ego from it, sometimes there is important information coming out that helps me to navigate the relationship better. For instance, the uproar about the gifts might be a inverted way to ask the hidden question:"how much do you love me?"" If you hear it in this way, it might be easier for you to relate to. People with BPD, more than most, have everything to lose by trusting the wrong person in love, we can recover from blows that would imperil their very survival. So it will always be a source of huge anxiety.  You can do much to reduce conflict and discuss these questions in a healthy way. The best place for you to start is with the Relationship Tools list you will see at the bottom of your screen. The more you practice them the better things will be.

While I perfectly understand your doubts and hesitation about marriage (it is indeed a big decision to take on) I would hesitate about saying it too loudly. Fear of abandonment is at the very core of BPD and you cannot expect calm in your relationship while you stoke these. Are you in counselling? That would be the appropriate place both to get support and think through these issues.

I am a strong advocate of couple counselling before marriage, and many faith-based organizations and non-profits offer this service. Improving communication around expectations and responsibilities would help save many relationships whether or not BPD is in the picture.   Prevention is better than cure, any time.


Please keep posting! The more we understand about your situation, the better we can help.
 
Khib