Should I respond to bpd ex girlfriend.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

There's a lot of history I could get into, but I will give the short version. I dated my bpd girlfriend for nearly 2 years. Of course it was speckled with quite a few brief splits but we always ended up working it out. However it's been 2 and a half months that we've been split up this time(the longest so far). And I've accepted that it is more than likely over at this point. I genuinely love her and I do believe that she loved/loves me. Whatever her version of that may be or however distorted. It was still real to me, and I choose to believe as such. However after 2 weeks of no contact I broke it by messaging her saying I wanted to talk, ask some questions, and basically receive some clarity. That never happened. She did not reply so I left it on a good note and told her I hope she finds happiness and that I love her. No reply for over a week.

Randomly last night after a night out with her friends(more than likely drinking) she messages me "what do you want from me". At this point I'm almost positive i shouldn't respond because it seems like a control tactic just to make sure I'm still available. I'm assuming she wants me to poor my heart out so she feels like she still has control. It hurts to say the least when I do infact want to do just that. However, from past experience and failed attempts, I dont believe it would be effective. I'm to the point of acceptance and I know that I should never take her back unless drastic changes were made. She is currently in treatment so it offers a glimmer of hope still. But any advise would be greatly appreciated. My knowledge is limited as to how to deal with this disorder, especially post break up. Long story short-- should I respond and if so, what should I say? Thank you

[JJH]

There's a lot of history I could get into, but I will give the short version. I dated my bpd girlfriend for nearly 2 years. Of course it was speckled with quite a few brief splits but we always ended up working it out. However it's been 2 and a half months that we've been split up this time(the longest so far). And I've accepted that it is more than likely over at this point. I genuinely love her and I do believe that she loved/loves me. Whatever her version of that may be or however distorted. It was still real to me, and I choose to believe as such. However after 2 weeks of no contact I broke it by messaging her saying I wanted to talk, ask some questions, and basically receive some clarity. That never happened. She did not reply so I left it on a good note and told her I hope she finds happiness and that I love her. No reply for over a week.

Randomly last night after a night out with her friends(more than likely drinking) she messages me "what do you want from me". At this point I'm almost positive i shouldn't respond because it seems like a control tactic just to make sure I'm still available. I'm assuming she wants me to poor my heart out so she feels like she still has control. It hurts to say the least when I do infact want to do just that. However, from past experience and failed attempts, I dont believe it would be effective. I'm to the point of acceptance and I know that I should never take her back unless drastic changes were made. She is currently in treatment so it offers a glimmer of hope still. But any advise would be greatly appreciated. My knowledge is limited as to how to deal with this disorder, especially post break up. Long story short-- should I respond and if so, what should I say? Thank you

[jinglebells1989]

Unfortunately yes I believe it’s a control move. I had an ex gf that I believe had BPD that I worked with stalk me for close to a year after I dumped her. She vandalized my car, moved to my neighborhood, etc. I finally got fired because I kept going to management about it and they finally had enough and fired me. They didn’t want a lawsuit and imo it was easier for them to get rid of the man. She even admitted to them that she put stuff on my car.

So why am I telling you this. After I got fired I lit her up on social media. Said some really mean stuff. What did she do? She blocked me. This was after, again, almost a year of her stalking and harassing me. It’s all about power and control. I wouldn’t respond. She’s baiting you to see if she still has you under her thumb.

[Formanian]

Hey,

I understand why this bugs you. We want nothing more than to connect and talk to the one we love but your attempts at contact are either ignored or treated as an attack - and in return they attack you.
The best thing is to let it go and ignore (but also forgive yourself if you slip up. There is no shame in that. It happens to the best of us). Maybe even block her number.

Beware of not getting your hopes up because she is receiving treatment. Hope is a dangerous thing: it keeps you stuck. That she is receiving treatment doesn't mean anything to be honest (I'm sorry if this is hard to hear); therapy for this kind of disorder is no miracle work. It would take years of dedicated effort on her end to iron this stuff out. And it will only change if she actually takes responsibility for herself and doesn't just blame it on everything and everybody else.  

Even if that would ever happen; the damage is often done at that point. It isn't like you will be the same people (after she had multiple years of treatment and you probably recovered in the meantime) that you are now, and as bad as you want it to happen, it is incredibly difficult (if not impossible) to get to a point of complete forgiveness and a (healthy!) reunion if she would come back. Most likely she won't come back or she will only come back before she is healed and just wreak more havoc in your life and leave again. You don't want that. Even though you might feel like you do. Question why you feel that way. Why don't you deserve better than to wait on someone that doesn't even respond to you properly?

I understand; we all want that chance - heck I dreamt of it for months - and we've probably all thought way too much about it at some point after the break up. We question: "What if they change? What if she just knew how much I love her? What if - what if - what if?"

But "what if" is no way to live. It's a fantasy land. The happy, healthy reunion you envision won't happen. We all want to think we're the exception but we aren't. What does happen - as you probably know from your own experience - is on again-off again relationships with repeated cycles of pain that get continuously worse - sometimes with cheating and affairs on their end.

For your own sake, stop hoping. In almost every other situation hope is an incredibly powerful and beautiful thing: it can keep us going, pushing against the odds. But hope for a reunion is your enemy. Don't hold out hope for her. Instead, hold out hope for yourself. Hold out hope for a bright future without toxic people - with only healthy, reciprocal love. You deserve that.  

[once removed]

JJH,

Detaching is a board for people that are committed to leaving, and are working through the stages of grief.

If you do want to respond to your ex, you might pose your question to the Bettering board.