Being a mom is her only passion

[ziasquinn3000]

We've been married about 4 years. We've gone through all the staples; push pulls, breakups, quitting jobs, etc. etc.

She's really been turning it around the past half year. Finished an out patient program. Is less self destructive and in general reacts a lot more slowly to what she's feeling so there's way less complications. She's chilled out some and grown up a bit basically. Everything is still there, but she just gives it more time to fight the battle in her head to stop it from taking control. and I've learned what to control more on my side and to chill out myself to let her go through things she needs to go through. Ultimately too, she's  grown exhausted of being unstable if that makes sense, which contributes to her calmness.

Anyways. She's always had problems in finding any kind of passion or past time. Any jobs she takes she's just doing it autonomously. In the beginning of our relationship she would try a million hobbies and then burn out. Nowadays she just looks at memes or watches tiktok day in and day out. She says she's content with that and I can really see the difference. We do stuff as a couple too and try to prioritize "healthy" things, such as pushing each other to go on walks or workout, spend time together outside the house. We're in a situation now to where she doesn't need to work and in the past my assertiveness would cause us problems because I would force her to go to work because I thought it would help give her something to do. Honestly I think her getting to do whatever she wants (which is nothing) has helped a ton with all the calmness. She says so too. She says she doesn't feel pressure (from me to go work) so it doesn't make her so antsy. She doesn't feel as much need for me to fill in the gaps for her and give her a toon of attention. Even during this quarantine lockdown I've been surprised by how little she actually needs me there with her.

Now with that explained. She's been asking to be a mom since the day I've met her basically. She's wanted to be a mom for a decade now. I've always told her no in the past because we have too many relationship issues. I still think our issues aren't good enough right now to bring a baby in the mix because once a baby is there we won't have the time to work out our issues like we currently are able to do, which is something i'm currently content with - the rate at frequency at which we can resolve our issues. At the same time this is her passion and if I'm in it to win it wouldn't it make more sense to take that risk to be able to let her pursue her passion and evolve our relationship to the next steps?

I'm not sure what to make of these, as whether red flags or her being so honest about this is her one true passion. We talked about separating before and what she would do without a baby if that's her only thing she wants (basically me trying to show her she needs to have other things to do other than being a mom) and she said she would go back to school, work a job because she only wants a kid with me, not a kid for a kid's sake if she's not in the right situation. She said she would adapt to whatever environment she was in (and if it wasn't with me it would have to be back with her mom)

I can really see it. It's been really hurting me for years, that I can see this is truly the only thing she wants. And it kills me to hear her have to talk about she would go back to adapting to the environment she's in (being a robot) just to get through the days. Obviously at first she acted unreasonable and aggressive about it, but now she's a lot more calm over the past year compared to before. She's not demanding it anymore and when she tries to convince me it's way more calm and focusing on more about herself and what she will do to be the best mom. So I guess it seems like she's slowly changing her perception of how important it is for her to be stable and our relationship stable before we have one.

Anyways I really don't know what to do with it. I want one, she wants one. We both want a higher purpose than ourselves. But I just keep going back to she's not ready just yet. But I know that's a "normal relationship" thing as well with uncertainties and how it's not the right time or things still need to improve whether that's financially, relationship, personal goals etc. So I'm not sure when the scales are going to tip and what I can do on my side to figure out if they need to or not.

Any advice based on my story? Any questions I should ask myself here?

Thanks all.

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[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi ziasquinn3000:
Having children doesn't "fix" anything, even in a relationship where both individuals are mentally healthy.  If anything, it can add more stress & test the relationship.

Just throwing out some things to consider. Things are fairly calm now, but you need to prepare for the possibility that emotions & behaviors could back slide during a pregnancy & after the birth of a child.  Hopefully you can both discuss these things & she will agree in advance to seek therapy and/or medical attention, should things fall apart.

Some things to discuss with her & hopefully gain professional advice on:

1.  If she is taking an antidepressant or other meds, she will need to check with her doctor to see if they can be safely taken during pregnancy. There may need to be a med change or to stop certain meds.

2. Just being pregnant can make even mentally healthy women become emotional & difficult. Someone with mental health issues is more apt to be difficult during pregnancy.

3.  Women with a history of mental health issues can be more prone to post partum depression.

4.  Mental health issues can be genetic, so there is a greater chance to have a child with mental illness.

Just pointing out some issues to think about.  Best to prepare for the worst, while hoping for the best.

[ziasquinn3000]

Thanks for the reply.

Sorry if it wasn't clear, but we're both on the same page about how it will test our relationship more. The big thing I worry about personally is that bringing a child into the picture we won't have the same time and space to be able to work through our issues like we do now, which is something I'm content with since it's been a pretty good pace to effectively manage our issues. The biggest "selling" point so to say from her is that she will have something she is passionate about to focus on. There's a thing we say with each other "A mind in motion doesn't worry". Whenever she has things to do, job, hobbies, etc. She doesn't get anxious, stew with her thoughts, have bad thought spirals, etc. but not only is it just on her side, I personally would like to have a purpose greater than myself as well.

She stopped her medication a couple months ago and it's actually helped her mental health. It was the first time I didn't fight trying to make sure she do what I wanted and put a bit of blind trust into her and it's helped.

We're aware of the list of complications you've made. I think the biggest issue we have is she doesn't seem to take those bullet points as seriously as I do. Years ago she said there was no chance she would be affected by those. But these days she acknowledges and validates that they could happen, but focuses on how she will continue to try her best to get through them like she tries her best now to defeat those challenges. Which I think everyone here knows: That will be an effort she has to expend for the rest of her life as her illness never goes away. So with that in mind, what should the differences be or the questions I be asking compared to now and 10 years from now, when she still has the illness and complications anyways. Does that make sense? Because your comment feels like it could still be used even 10 years from now and something i'd have to worry about now or 10 years from now.

Just so I can make sure to ground myself to reality, but did it really seem like my original post I thought having a child would "fix" our situation? Or am I just taking it too personally haha.

Thanks!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Just so I can make sure to ground myself to reality, but did it really seem like my original post I thought having a child would "fix" our situation? Or am I just taking it too personally haha.

I was thinking about your wife's perspective and the comment: "And it kills me to hear her have to talk about she would go back to adapting to the environment she's in (being a robot) just to get through the days."
 

The biggest "selling" point so to say from her is that she will have something she is passionate about to focus on. There's a thing we say with each other "A mind in motion doesn't worry".

Keeping active and accomplishing things is good and can result in a mind occupied with more positive thoughts.  If a mind is positively in motion that's a good thing.  

Does family live close & perhaps be available to help out with a child? The one way to assure that you can keep working on your relationship is schedule the time & perhaps use someone to babysit.  Couples with children can be very busy & scheduling things can make them happen.

 If she has to count on the baby to keep her mind busy to not be anxious, that could evolve into a problem.  Children grow up & need to evolve towards independence.  They can be the source of anxiety & worry.
 

She stopped her medication a couple months ago and it's actually helped her mental health. It was the first time I didn't fight trying to make sure she do what I wanted and put a bit of blind trust into her and it's helped.

Two months isn't much time.  What type of med was she taking?  How long had she been on meds?

What have her worst BPD traits been in the past?  Are there any particular traits that might concern you & might get in the way of healthy parenting or could  she become abusive?

[ziasquinn3000]

No, neither of us has family to help out nearby. But we can easily afford babysitting or nannying when needed.

I think we have the opposite problem, neither of us are busy. She has nothing to do and I only need to work 20 hours or so a week. And it really puts strain on our relationship. I have things I want to do outside of my work time but she typically tries to encroach on my personal time.

Yes, relying on the baby brings it's own problems. I've told her that and it's why she should still get SOME hobby or small passions so she doesn't fully rely on a baby and she just says that it won't happen. But she doesn't give an explanation or what precautions she'll take to avoid it happening, that's why it's hard to take her at face value. Even if she did give some precautions I guess I wouldn't really believe she would do it. She has a habit of saying she'll do things but then doesn't do them.

Two months isn't much time.  What type of med was she taking?  How long had she been on meds?

She was on anti-psychotics. She's been on meds for the past decade as a teen to now. She's been on every range of medication available. Over the past 2 years she was consistently on the best working medication for her, but when she stopped taking it I noticed no drawbacks or side effects. It seems the same or better in certain areas.

What have her worst BPD traits been in the past?  Are there any particular traits that might concern you & might get in the way of healthy parenting or could  she become abusive?

Fear of abandonment is still her biggest trait and always has been. Not in itself, but it leads to other issues such as me not getting my personal time or space from her which makes her go to any means necessary (other BPD traits and the abusive parts) to keep me around. If I'm around and by her, there's not really any issues but obviously that's not healthy for either of us and I need my personal time. Whenever we've been split up she's very high functioning / ambitious because she has no one to actually abandon her (but she always says that's not what she wants, a career or things to do, she wants a family) She has always worked in childcare and she's always the best teacher/caregiver of whatever company she is at.

She's rarely patient, flexible or forgiving with me. Examples: my time estimates always have to be on the dot (this has gotten better with time), if I make a mistake myself and i'm mean towards her I can't correct it (I'm a stalwart rock, I'm almost always completely emotionally composed, so the times I'm not she goes for the throat on me for that), if I don't understand something she is trying to say she says she shouldn't have to explain to me (typically because she backed herself into a corner and has no logic to what she is saying), etc. That concerns me in getting the way of healthy parenting, to not be patient with the child or very forgiving. I've brought it up to her several times and she continues to actively try to be patient. It's improving, but very slowly.  I guess I should give more benefit of the doubt considering her oustanding success whenever she has worked in childcare. But I think childcare and raising your own child 24/7 is a bit different I guess.

Generally, every unproductive or mean qualities in her has improved with time or the way we communicate to solve problems has improved with time, that's why I'm hopeful it's just a continuous trajectory.

[Naughty Nibbler]

But we can easily afford babysitting or nannying when needed.

  That is a good thing.  Partner willing, you could schedule periodic alone time.

I think we have the opposite problem, neither of us are busy. She has nothing to do and I only need to work 20 hours or so a week. And it really puts strain on our relationship. I have things I want to do outside of my work time but she typically tries to encroach on my personal time.

How does she encroach on your personal time? Requires attention? Makes you feel guilty for leaving her alone?

She has always worked in childcare and she's always the best teacher/caregiver of whatever company she is at.   

The one common experiece that many non's have is that the person with BPD (PWBPD) saves up emotional dysregulation for "home", where they feel comfortable dumping their feelings. Friends, church members and coworkers will report that the PWBPD is wonderful.  They see a person who is held together, but that's not what family members experience (at least the family member who is the scapegoat)

She was on anti-psychotics. She's been on meds for the past decade as a teen to now. She's been on every range of medication available. Over the past 2 years she was consistently on the best working medication for her, but when she stopped taking it I noticed no drawbacks or side effects. It seems the same or better in certain areas.   

The med she went off of is likely one that takes time to gain a benefit from.  Working in reverse, it will take awhile for it to get out of her system. Did she stop taking the med, with concurrence from her psychiatrist or primary care doctor?

Do you think the real reason she stopped the meds is to get pregnant?  Could she already have stopped using birth control?

That concerns me in getting in the way of healthy parenting, to not be patient with the child or very forgiving. I've brought it up to her several times and she continues to actively try to be patient. It's improving, but very slowly.

Generally, every unproductive or mean qualities in her has improved with time or the way we communicate to solve problems has improved with time, that's why I'm hopeful it's just a continuous trajectory.   

Sounds like you are aware of what some of her challenges could be with parenting. Whether you have a child or not, may be up to you, unless she makes a decision on her own & just gets pregnant. Since she stopped taking meds, after a decade, probably a good time to continue with or restart therapy.

[ziasquinn3000]

How does she encroach on your personal time? Requires attention? Makes you feel guilty for leaving her alone?

Yeah she makes me feel guilty and instantly requires attention. Typically it's fine if i'm wasting my time, but typically when I try to do something productive, self improvement or fun for myself she will start the nagging. Not always. If it's something that's white and black, like going to the gym is obviously a healthy thing she will support it. If I decide to entertain myself or try a new hobby is when she starts getting scared. Probably projection of how she feels about her binge TV and phone 24/7 makes her feel guilty for not doing anything.

The one common experiece that many non's have is that the person with BPD (PWBPD) saves up emotional dysregulation for "home", where they feel comfortable dumping their feelings. Friends, church members and coworkers will report that the PWBPD is wonderful.  They see a person who is held together, but that's not what family members experience (at least the family member who is the scapegoat)

Yep, as I said she's high functioning when she's away from me. The way I've been trying to be constructive about this is saying it would help our relationship if I could admire her more and it would make me more wanting to start a family with her but I can't do that because I don't see all the amazing things she does since she hides it from me. So I encourage her to be high functioning around me in a way that's visible to the naked eye.

The med she went off of is likely one that takes time to gain a benefit from.  Working in reverse, it will take awhile for it to get out of her system. Did she stop taking the med, with concurrence from her psychiatrist or primary care doctor?

Do you think the real reason she stopped the meds is to get pregnant?  Could she already have stopped using birth control?

I mean it's been over 2 months. I think it would be out of her system by now. She did not consult. She's not in therapy or spoken with her psychiatrist in a long time. I've seen more progress on her own than in through therapy, simply because of an aging/maturity thing I think, so I don't make a fuss about it. Again, the more I "let her do what she needs to" the more positive results I see in our relationship (or maybe it's not so much positive as it is an absence of the negative). The only thing is I see is her throwing her life away because what she "needs to do" is basically nothing, because her only passion is being a mom. So she does nothing all day. And it really gets to me because that's just a sad way to live and I lose respect for her. She says she's content with it tho and she says it's the first time in her life she feels ok because she's not being pressured by anyone. That's not what I signed up for though so I think that's why it bothers me.

She has an IUD. The last time she tried to get pregnant and I found out was a few years ago. I left her because of it and this is the one thing she's careful about not doing since I did that. If I say no baby she will keep the birth control but she will just continuously ask me for one.