she told me she had bpd

[CryWolf]

Hey all  

I have this friend who I met last year and we mostly talk on instagram/social media. We started to have very deep convos over time. Like any normal friendship. She vents at times about life, family, boyfriend and vise versa and we are super understanding of another etc etc.

 Our first time we hung out was pretty intense. We sat on a bench by a lake after hours and talked for hours. she opened up to me about past traumas, and childhood. Shes very open minded and we always find ourselves falling into talking about feelings and emotions. Ive never quite experienced this with someone before that was so open with their emotions and feelings.  she also told me that she broke up with her boyfriend because of how unappreciated she is, and unhappy and how he is an empty shell. but later that night after we hung out she said they got back together.


over time our friendship grew stronger. i was dealing with moving on from my exwBPD, and she was a great friend. we found each other talking until 2am-3am more often just talking about random things. Like the conversations were never dull. Then came a little flirting.
I always found her attractive and beautiful but I am not someone to intervene with a relationship. so I just kept it as friends.

Over time, the friendship moves forward. Then comes November, and I ask her out to hang out. she tells me not to like her, and a lot of her guy friends like her. .. i told her not to worry and if i like her, id tell her. apparently her ex and her broke up aagin, and her guy friend tried getting with her. We hang out and she spends a lot of money on me as a bday present. I also didnt let her pay for some things. We went to a museum, and took pictures by a christmas tree in the city, saw people ice skating, and got coffee. and shopped and the whole day felt more like a date then a friend hang out. we're both super flirty with each other and the vibe was different. like a "soulmate" connection. but of course this is jumping too quick to conclusions and i have my guard up.

we ended up talking again end of the night, and she opened up and vented about her past to me. end of the night i walked her to her car, and she hugged me tight and told me how shes never had this much fun with someone before, not even her ex. we spent 10 hours together that day and i kissed her forehead when i walked her to her car. it felt right. she smiled and said "dont kiss me".

then came her becoming distant the next few days. I gave her space, and let her come to me. even though it was extremely hard. Ive learned a lot from chasing women before. It was thanksgiving and I just assumed her and her ex got back together.. she texts me black friday and tells me "i didnt appreciate the forehead kiss"

this was like 5 days after the incident and we talked for days after. didnt make sense why all of a sudden? My assumption she got back with the ex and probably felt guilty. idk. i apologized and then she ghosted me another week. and messages me long paragraphs around 4-5am a week later. I reply then no reply for another week and she messages around 6am. Weird hours in the night..

we talk again new years eve, and she was messaging me all night while with her bf..
 i delete social media to get a break from her. I download social media and there we go again talking about anything. then we get in an argument and she accused me of crossing boundaries and not giving her space. I didnt react or jade and tried to understand her point of view.. she ghosted me again for a few days.

she initiated contact again mid january. she apologized and told me she didnt know her and her ex would get back together and she wants to be courteous to him and it wasnt right for us to go on dates. she said sorry if it felt like she lead me on and didnt want to or have intentions to. and how she had a great time with me.

a while before she also told me that if shes in a relationship with someone and develops feelings for someone else she has to distance herself. so im wondering if she caught feelings for me?

fast forward and we start talking again. last week she threw me off by saying "if soulmates existed your one of those for me"

i asked what this meant and she said "how were so close and similar, etc"

this got my feelings heavy for her.

she asked to see me a few days ago and we talked until 1am. she opened about previous relationships, partners, childhood, etc. she told me she was originally diagnosed bpd but then went to see a t and they said dissociative identity disorder.. I told her i accept her for her.

we talked 2 nights ago about who i liked and i told her to guess, and she had an idea but we didnt say as it might complicate things right now and has boyfriend.

Thank you if you made it this far, and I apologize this is quite long.

I guess my question is, does this girl like me or exhibiting bpd tendencies like mirroring, triangulation, etc etc. Im not going to pursue her while in a relationship and I deleted social medias for now to get space from her.

how do i proceed?

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[Meridius]

Hi CryWolf,

Congrats on the strong boundaries so far.  And this is not the kind of post I thought I'd be responding to today.  But here goes my opinion (my two cents)

I have a BPDw and I remember when we were dating and she was telling me about how emotionally literate she was and we clicked at that level.  It felt like soulmates.  My BPDw had done DBT and we talked for a long time and very openly about some heavy stuff she'd gone through, very much like you.  However, being in a real relationship with all of life's trials and stresses is a totally different thing. 

Hey all  

Our first time we hung out was pretty intense. We sat on a bench by a lake after hours and talked for hours. she opened up to me about past traumas, and childhood. She's very open minded and we always find ourselves falling into talking about feelings and emotions. Ive never quite experienced this with someone before that was so open with their emotions and feelings.  she also told me that she broke up with her boyfriend because of how unappreciated she is, and unhappy and how he is an empty shell. but later that night after we hung out she said they got back together.

Your friend sounds like a nice person.  Considerate and even kind. 

The mistake men sometimes make when it comes to affairs of the heart is we think, "Well, I like her.  She must like me back."  Do not go by how you feel.  What are her actions?

- How many times has she cycled the breakup/reunite thing?
- How many times has she vented about the same part of her past events?  I prefer fighting present day demons, rather than old ones.  They're nastier.
- Look at how she's be behaved as a friend: close chats, disappear, flirt, then disappear, venting about her past, close chats, you're soulmate material, disappear, odd messages at weird times overnight, venting about her past

If she's behaving like that as a friend, it's more than likely she would behave like that as a girlfriend.  And every single day; potentially all in the same day.  As a friend, you're getting "breaks".  As a boyfriend, no breaks.

I saw a book title "Women don't lie.  Men don't listen"

IMO, she appreciates you as a friend.  If she's saying "Don't' kiss me", or "I didn't appreciate the forehead kiss".  There's a boundary she's telling you about.   LISTEN!  As for her soulmate comment, notice it's plural.

fast forward and we start talking again. last week she threw me off by saying "if soulmates existed your one of those for me"

You're not the only possible soulmate.  I heard a saying "Romance is to relationships, like what taste is to cuisine".  If I extend that, "Soulmates is to relationships in the same way an amazing wine and food pairing is to a great meal".  It's gorgeous, but you're blissfully ignorant what had to happen in the kitchen for it to come out like that.  Durable relationships are redefined and rebuilt every day.

how do i proceed?

With great caution. 

What is she doing for herself for her personal growth for arresting or greatly reducing the diagnoses she's talked about?  How committed is she to that?  Even as a friend, you can ask that...for her benefit.

And read this, especially the part about you potentially being the emotional caretaker.  https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[interest declaration] I'm separated from my BPDw and a lot of your connection, flirting and soulmate descriptions were there for me.  Later on, she told me that she was stressed and anxious with me when we were flirty.  I've since discovered the reality of the emotional range is 100x bigger.  Proceed with caution.

[CryWolf]

Thank you @meridius

you said

"- How many times has she cycled the breakup/reunite thing?
- How many times has she vented about the same part of her past events?  I prefer fighting present day demons, rather than old ones.  They're nastier.
- Look at how she's be behaved as a friend: close chats, disappear, flirt, then disappear, venting about her past, close chats, you're soulmate material, disappear, odd messages at weird times overnight, venting about her past"

I've been really thinking about this and taking a mental note of our friendship history..


Since last posting, I've been working on myself, I passed my exam for this difficult course. So I feel better.

However,

the night before Valentines, I did not expect us to talk but we did. She played the caring loving female partner role. She asked if I ate and how I havent been eating, etc. Our conversation lead into her reading my love future by reading tarot cards and if I like someone at the moment

It went like this:

her : idk the future looks like possible love drama

me: lmao what else is new

her: laughing emoji "sorry"

me: dont be. whatever happens im grateful for the experience. thank you btw

her: i do know you...

me: do you really tho?

her: whoever this person is, you really want to marry them

me: idk about marry them

her : , is there someone youre thinking of?

me: guess

her: how am i supposed to guess?

idk dude i do see a possible situation

but i rather not get into it

some things are better left unsaid

me: just say it

her: nah

me: you said its drama, so let it be drama

her: toxic "laughing emoji"

me: laughing emoji

her: its not a good situation if im right. but we will see


I decided to give her space. I deleted my social media like I mentioned before when I posted this originally.

I redownload social media and she apparently messaged me sunday of a picture of this tattoo I told her about a long time ago.

I replied when I saw it, thursday night.

I also opened up and told her how I felt. i apologized beforehand if it would make things awkward. I told her I was starting to like her and how we said that if I like her i would tell her. I wanted to stay true to my word. I also told her I dont expect this to change anything and I respect her boundaries and her relationship. I kept it light, and not heavy.

She messaged me last night how shes friendly with everyone like that and shes sorry if she lead me on. and for me not to romantacize her. how love should be between two people when its mutual. she said she isnt that special

I told her im sorry for making it awkward and how her calling me a soulmate threw me off my frame and how im not romanticizing her and i know so many guys want to be with her (from what she says) but i admire how she isnt superficial. (i didnt want her to think im just into her for her looks).  i told her how she may not think shes special but to others she can be.


thank you if youve read this far.

She ended up blocking me on IG and then unblocking me so we unfollow each other. Idk why. I asked my friends for their opinion and I was never pushy or clingy. I never forced her and told her to leave her boyfriend. I wanted an adult convo like we always have and how we are used to tlaking about feelings. but I guess this wasnt something she was okay with talking about..

Im trying not to blame myself but I feel like i messed this up. But to be honest it feels better to say it and let it out than always wonder.

Her blocking me and doing that on instagram really hurts. we arent following each other now. and a lot of our communication occurs there. IDK.

why do you guys think she did it? I know space it the best thing right now, but I guess I really need some reassurance now.