I'm hurting

[thewindinmyhair]

Hi everyone, this is my first post and it's taking a lot of courage to post.

Thank you for connecting with me. My marriage is struggling, I'm struggling inside under all the layers, and I'm starting to wonder if my husband has BPD also. My mother is uBPD (that means undiagnosed BPD, right?) and I recognise some of her traits in him.

I am estranged from her after the last of her rages back in 2015 when I disassociated during one of her public rages, and I realised for the first time what was really happening between me and her. I have been in therapy ever since. I’m also no contact with my father who was sexually inappropriate/abusive to me and my stepsister in our teenage years.  He is an alcoholic and I believe may suffer from Chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) following a severe head trauma many years ago. It took me many years to surface the abuse.

Anyway, this is about my husband, he is becoming increasingly emotionally dysregulated and his behaviour is having a destructive effect on me. He is on the surface, a high functioning, successful executive, a loving father to our 3 boys, has good relationships with several well balanced male and female friends, is loyal and supportive in many ways, and as he constantly reminds me, loves me more than anything in the world.

Yet I seem to push his buttons, he rages at me, gaslights me, and when he does, it makes me feel anxious and insecure and I want to run away from him and the relationship. I do have diagnosed PTSD and Anxiety from childhood trauma as the child of a BPD mother and an abusive father, so this is hardly surprising!

It takes a lot of energy to get back on track after one of his emotional sprays and it sabotages my ability to stay focused and grow the areas of my life that are also important to me, like my career and my life's dreams beyond the relationship. Im actually against all odds, a very successful executive and have held a global career in finance for more than 30 years. I'm writing this at my desk at work 3 hours after receiving his messages, I can't concentrate on my job, I want to cry, I don't want to go home tonight, I just want everything to be ok and safe and comfortable. He'll either act like nothing's happened or he'll stonewall me again all weekend but I just don't know which way it will go.

Last week, he started bombarding me with text messages when I was late home from work (negotiating a promotion) and didn’t let him and my son know I’d be late.

He accused me of not being a team player of being selfish, of being only concerned with myself, that I don’t want to be a team, that I want to be my own person, that he is of no value to me, no use, no nothing, not worthy, that I’m on a different f*ng planet. (his words word for word)

Usually I’d JUDE but this time I let it go after reading the helpful piece on this site  

He stonewalled me for 2 days after that. This is now usual behaviour, huff, anger stonewalling, rage, then acting like nothing's happened. My therapist says it resembles a Domestic Violence cycle.

All I know is that I’m confused, shamed, scared and exhausted by all of this.

Last night I went for a chiropractic treatment for a back spasm, I felt liberated, like I’d been holding all of this emotion and it had been released. It showed me just how much pain and tension I’m holding in my body in this relationship.

This morning, he bombarded me with more text messages telling me he won't be coming to the meeting we scheduled with a kitchen designer this evening because he's playing golf that he doesn't need to be there because "your friend and you are doing it all anyway," and that I am "not to to add to the cost we had agreed on." By text.
No discussion just an instruction.  I can design my own kitchen however I want, but I am not to spend a cent more than the budget we agreed.

I push back by saying did he really want to discuss this via text, lay down the law then wash his hands of it? He rages, globalises, sends me a stream of messages and tells me I'm cracking the s*its and that I crack the s*its every time he opens his bloody mouth, then that I have "ruined his day as bloody usual."and that the only way our conversations can be more constructive is by me "not cracking the s*its every time he opens his bloody mouth." (his words again).

All I know is that I don’t want to live like this any more.

My question is, how can this situation be turned around? I've done so much therapy, and self development work over the last years that I feel only one of us is pulling the heavy load here. I asked to be tested for bi-polar, for BPD, for everything so if was to turn out to have a problem I could seek treatment. I tested neuro-typical other than the PTSD and GAD for childhood trauma and to a degree my marriage situation.

I've tried to get him to marriage therapy, I had th threaten therapy or we split but he refuses to engage. He made a list of all the things I do to piss him off , took them along with us and made it like a court session.

Do I just need to keep working on my own emotional regulation so I can move to the centre of the karpman triangle and stay there?

On that note, what's happening here is so clear, I think he makes himself the victim then seeks me out as persecutor and then rescuer. It's an ugly pattern.

And one more thing, he's drinking 1- 1.5 bottles wine a night, is this normal?

You can see how confused I am and I'm so tired of being in everyone else's drama triangle. I just want a peaceful life for me and my boys, and for him.

What can I do that would be helpful?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

Hi everyone, this is my first post and it's taking a lot of courage to post.

Thank you for connecting with me. My marriage is struggling, I'm struggling inside under all the layers, and I'm starting to wonder if my husband has BPD also.

And I keep asking myself the question, would I be happier on my own and can I really push the big red button to break up our family, or am I being a chicken breaking us all up because I don't want to cope with his sprays anymore and I need to put my big girl pants on and be more supportive?

Do I just need to keep working on my own emotional regulation so I can move to the centre of the karpman triangle and stay there?

On that note, what's happening here is so clear, I think he makes himself the victim then seeks me out as persecutor and then rescuer. It's an ugly pattern.

And one more thing, he's drinking 1- 1.5 bottles wine a night, is this normal?

You can see how confused I am and I'm so tired of being in everyone else's drama triangle. I just want a peaceful life for me and my boys, and for him.

Hi Wind...

Welcome!  And congratulations on taking this step.

You will find lots of great support here. And you will find people who understand and help without judgement.  You sound like you are carrying such a heavy load for so many people. That's understandable given that you've invested so much.

So while I say welcome, let me also say, that I'm sorry that you find yourself here too. I suppose after all that work, you might wish that things would be otherwise. We all feel a tinge of sadness for each other, because regardless of the diagnosis, a personality disorder or mood disorder can be emotionally taxing at best, very painful at worst.

No one here can really tell you what you should do - stay or go. Every situation is different.

So - in order to walk with you in a truly harmonious way, can you say more about your own personal emotional state.  You say you've done therapy, and the way you describe it, you seem to have done a lot of work on yourself to try and improve.  I wonder if you have done other sorts of therapeutic work - like more on the spiritual side.

I hear a longing in you to be seen for how much work you have done and how badly you would like things to work out. Is that true?

When you think about the various paths you might take forward, how does each one make you feel? Scared? Confident? Confused? Sad? Excited?

I ask this because it is really hard to put out thoughts into a relevant place without recognizing our emotions. Thoughts tell us what we should do it - but if our reason "why" is not clear, what the right thing to do is not often clear either.

Disordered relationships cause this emotional-rational balance to become - well - disordered.

One thing I like to suggest to people who wonder about what to do after having done so much is to read their first post out loud in front of a mirror, if possible. Don't do it if it's going to cause you emotional suffering. No need to punish ourselves. The situations we find ourselves in are difficult enough without piling on.

Your kindness comes across in spades - and I say this without judging your H. I say this just about you - nothing more, but nothing less. You deserve to be happy. You will find your happiness when you allow it to grow organically from within and when your future decisions are in harmony with the love you have - for yourself, your children and your family.

Reach out again.

Blessings to you. Prayers that you find grace to be graceful with yourself.

Rev

[GreenHusband24]

Hello Wind,

Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate and feel I share the same emotions with a similar situation you are going through. I believe my wife is uBPD or at least shows traits and I’ve struggled too in my relationship with trying to develop myself, learn strategies to best support her and work through the challenges that are caused by her disorder.

I’d like to share that you are not alone in how you feel and what you are experiencing. I can understand. It was meaningful to hear your words and relate. I’ve found this site to be helpful to find understanding and strategies to move forward.

I pray for your peace and understanding through your journey.

GH

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Wind-

Welcome to our community.   I’m glad you’ve joined us, but very sorry for what brings you here.  First, I’d like to say good work on separating yourself from the destructive behaviors of your parents.  I know this type of therapy is so difficult and it takes enormous strength.  I am so sorry for what you’ve endured. 

It sounds as if your H’s hurtful behaviors have escalated recently.  Have there been any notable “stressors” you can pinpoint that may have caused this escalation?  Please give that some thought.

As far as drinking 1 - 1.5 bottles of wine each night - how much does your uBPDh normally drink?  Is this new for him?

Please keep talking.  This is a very safe space for you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[thewindinmyhair]

Hello Rev, GH and Gemsforeyes
Thank you for your kind and heartfelt responses, I'm sitting up in bed with a coffee, my huge dog snoring next to me, reading your words out loud, it's as if you're all in the room with me giving me a big hug and whispering, "we've got you," what a lovely, comforting feeling. Connection is vital to our happiness and wellbeing isn't it?

Rev, you ask how I'm feeling, I guess 'conflicted' is right. I love H and I truly want it to work out for us, yes I do, yet the still small voice tells me I need to remove myself from the pain his behaviour is causing me, and I'm not sure if it's my overactive fight/flight response governing my drive.

As the title of my post suggests, I'm hurting because I want a peaceful, harmonious life filled with love and kindness, I'm tired of the drama, it can kiss my  .  

I value freedom and adventure, love, growth and expansion and I want someone to hold my hand and do the journey with me. I want so badly for it to be him.

I also want to be valued for my bravery and spirit, and not castigated and told how selfish I am, how I'm not a team player and shamed for my courage. Yes  @rev recognition would be great, but I think it has to come from within first and I'm almost there. Perhaps we're in conflict over our fundamental values, H is conservative yet says he wants to break out, I broke out years ago, but then when I met him, I put everything on ice to support and grow the boys' lives.

Now they're all but adults, I've exploded out of the gates again, which, I guess, answers your very perceptive question about stressors, @Gemsforeyes, my life is abundant,  I have a huge, expansive, positive outlook and vision for life, financial abundance and opportunity are coming at me from all directions, I'm about to be promoted at work, I am strong and confident and feel unstoppable and it's shaking up H and forcing him to change too. One thing people hate is having change forced on them.There's an inevitable tension between my growth and his stagnation. He used to be the big earner, the main breadwinner, he called the shots around what we did, how we lived, what decisions we did and didn't make, and we built our lives around his sons (my stepsons) S1 and S2, and our sons' needs and his ex-wife's convenience, in the interests of harmony. As a result we have a very successful extended, blended family (other than the conflict in hand here).

Now S1 and S2 are grown up and will leave home shortly, what is left for him? He works a big and valuable job, but now part time on a not-for-profit income, his closest friends that he admires and looks up to are about to start a brave new enterprise in partnership with each other and he is not included in the venture.  He says he doesn't care, but I think he does. So yes, these are the stressors that I believe have triggered this behaviour and drinking escalation, you're so right. I am his world, he's a massive introvert and loves just to hangout with me, whereas I need other people, as well as time with him.

In essence, I sense he fears my growth and empowerment, as in his mind he fears it takes me further away from him and then he wonders what's left for him. So he clings and acts out, like the 15 year old who's been left out of the Saturday game.

If all that I say is true, because after all it is only my perception, through my own filter, this morning I am wondering if I can defuse the hurtful behaviour by simply observing it. "How interesting," I might say, "I wonder what's going on here," without taking on the shame or stepping into the conflict. I wonder if I can step into my leadership and take him on the life journey with me with love and understanding. That would be good wouldn't it..as I line up another meditation class and consider a meditation retreat..."You are not your thoughts, your thoughts are simply passing through you. You are not your emotions, your emotions are simply passing through you. You, just, are."  

@greenhusband24 I hope these thoughts are helpful for you? I hear and see your suffering, I'm sorry you're here too.

[thewindinmyhair]

Dear Wind-

Welcome to our community.   I’m glad you’ve joined us, but very sorry for what brings you here.  First, I’d like to say good work on separating yourself from the destructive behaviors of your parents.  I know this type of therapy is so difficult and it takes enormous strength.  I am so sorry for what you’ve endured. 

It sounds as if your H’s hurtful behaviors have escalated recently.  Have there been any notable “stressors” you can pinpoint that may have caused this escalation?  Please give that some thought.

As far as drinking 1 - 1.5 bottles of wine each night - how much does your uBPDh normally drink?  Is this new for him?

Please keep talking.  This is a very safe space for you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[thewindinmyhair]

Thank you yes, it has been a very difficult and confronting journey and the separation still causes a lot of pain and second guessing,  but I have grown so much as a result. x

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Wind-

What a beautifully well-thought out response.  It’s so so clear that you’ve done huge amounts of self-reflection, and that you have an ability to almost climb inside your H’s mind.  I’d venture to guess that you’re spot on regarding what acts the core of his dysregulations.  He’s feeling minimized.  His role as the family’s center of the orbit has dwindled...

So now what?  Who is he when, in his mind, no one has any further need for him... not his kids, not his business partners, not his wife?  Boom!  He never developed an identity of his own.  He only existed because “others” saw him.  And if YOU look away, he’ll disappear.  This is a hard nut to crack when a grown man has never done any work on himself.  And you have.

What do you know of HIS past?  My guess is there was some neglect or trauma there at some point. 

There are communication tools that you can use to diffuse and end conflict.  The key is to stop making the conflict worse.  I wish I knew how to provide you the link, but I don’t.  Please check around this site for the info on Ending Conflict.

Before I go further, will you please go a bit into the “gaslighting” you’re experiencing?  I ask this for specific, almost selfish reasons.  I experienced this (and tons of outright lying) during my 19-year marriage (ended 8 years ago); and during my 6.5-year relationship that JUST ended last week.  I’m still baffled, but figuring some things out about my exBF’s harmful behaviors.

Then we’ll talk again.

I do believe there’s hope.  You CAN invite your H along on your journey.  There is no third person involved and he wants your attention.  He’s afraid, and you can calm him with words and small actions.  If he can accept that you cannot breathe FOR him, he can learn to walk beside you and not have you carry him on your back.

I’m so glad you’re here.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[thewindinmyhair]

Hi  @gemsforeyes, Im so sorry to read that you have been through 2 breakups, both of which have clearly given you much pain. I wish for your pain to heal through love and understanding and a little smidgen of divine intervention.

You made a comment in one of your earlier posts, I went back and read some of your history so I can better understand where you're coming from - your comment related to being 62 and alone. I have a feeling that being 62 and alone will only be your situation if you choose it to be. 

Thank you for your lovely (validating) comments, yes, he's always said I understand him better than anyone and yes, whilst your belief may be based on the vision you see through the lens I have given you, it's probably true. He feels like noone sees him and his considerable strengths, his intellect, his integrity, his love, his passion for his family. I realise this to be true more than ever today and wow, because Boom!  He never developed an identity of his own...that's profound - who is he and how does he show up in the world? It also explains why I found a couple of suspect messages in his phone today, reaching out to a mystery woman I was not aware existed. (She did not reply). He wants to be seen.

Thank you for your insight.

Funny that you mention the conflict sessions on this site, I have just spent a couple hours going through them and making copious notes, very helpful!

So to the gaslighting, I am just off the phone to a friend and she also experienced gaslighting when she busted her H's infidelity. She's a brilliant, smart, senior lawyer and even she started to second guess herself when he denied the evidence right in front of them both on the phone records. Shame has a lot to answer for, I feel. Have you read any of Brene Brown's work on shame?

For me, I'll have to think of some specific gaslighting examples, I just know there have been many occasions when I've called it happening in my own mind as a situation plays out. I'll share when I can think of some.

What specifically are you baffled about in your own situation and how can I perhaps help shine some light for you?

As to his past, yes, he has an aggressive and fractured relationship with his F, and his M passed years ago before we got together. I think both were neglectful and certainly emotionally neglectful, H has very little emotional register, and I see the same traits in both of his siblings. When his M died suddenly, he was at the peak of dysfunctional relationship with her, resentful, angry, hurt and then he had to consent to turn off her life support in ICU. He's never really recovered from that. The challenge is to have him address and heal the trauma. I have no idea how to go there with him. I have a sense there was trauma at age 15 or so, as that's the age he seems to regress to when he's dysregulated. I don't know what that was.

In the past 12 months he's has suicide ideation, I had to stage an intervention with our GP, BIL And SIL and the close friends I mentioned, who are very supportive, and he's cycled in and out of depression but won't admit he's depressed. It seems it was mostly attention seeking commentary rather than intent.

It's exhausting and I'm slightly embarrassed to say I'm getting tired of his refusing to help himself to any significant degree beyond a basic level of self care. Now I sound judgy and that's outside my values    but honestly, personal responsibility? I had to drag myself out of abuse, messed up parents, move to the other side of the world by myself twice, take myself off to therapy to heal my PTSD and GAD, try a raft of mind altering  prescription meds, cope with associated health issues, successfully blend a family, thrive in a career and stay sane.

There's my ego and desire for recognition popping up again but seriously, man, own your life.

There, got that out...

Anyway, I just ran out of gas so am going to go meditate! Sending love xx

[jaded7]

You seem like a very centered and thoughtful person and I'm impressed with your ability to try to help others, even in the midst of your confusion and pain. I came here very, very hurt and suffering (still am) but I have found your post to enliven my hope for the human spirit.

This quote really caught my attention

I've exploded out of the gates again, which, I guess, answers your very perceptive question about stressors, @Gemsforeyes, my life is abundant,  I have a huge, expansive, positive outlook and vision for life, financial abundance and opportunity are coming at me from all directions, I'm about to be promoted at work, I am strong and confident and feel unstoppable and it's shaking up H and forcing him to change too. One thing people hate is having change forced on them.There's an inevitable tension between my growth and his stagnation.

In my own thread I wrote about how by ubpdgf really took offense at a potentially super important and prestigious business opportunity I had with creator of a field I own a business in. He loved my business, we met at a conference and he loved me, was super impressed with me and my work. He personally invited me to his hometown along with about 30 other leaders from around the world, we had a beautiful dinner at his house. All of this was very exciting for me. And she just hated it, told me he was a 'loser' and wouldn't talk with me (or go with me) when I was down there.

I found all that very confusing. Shouldn't my partner be happy for me? I really naively just shared my excitement with her and felt like a wet blanket was thrown on it. She lectured me repeatedly about what a bad idea it was to work with him.

So, I've been told that people with bpd/npd traits will feel threatened to some extent by the partners success or growth, perhaps due to the self-hatred or shame? I don't know I just know that I'd be super excited for her if she had big win like that in her life. Isn't that what loving someone is about? Maybe this is related to what's going on with your husband as you expand and get happy and excited? Plus, his friends' partnership that he isn't a part of?

Thanks for your thoughtful posts windinmyhair, you are helping me and others work through this confusion.

[thewindinmyhair]

Hi there, I'm so glad I was able to help you with my ruminations
Are you now in the space of taking the time for the self-care your soul so badly needs? I feel you are, Perhaps in and amongst your pain, you can touch a truth in yourself that you too are due to explode out of the gates? I hope so. Validation comes from within, you'll find it if you find peace with yourself.
Oh, and I'd love to see you chase that business opportunity down, so keep dreaming, seeing, visualising and taking steps towards it.
You've got this and you deserve love. xx

[thewindinmyhair]

Hi there @jaded7, I'm so glad I was able to help you with my ruminations
Are you now in the space of taking the time for the self-care your soul so badly needs? I feel you are, Perhaps in and amongst your pain, you can touch a truth in yourself that you too are due to explode out of the gates? I hope so. Validation comes from within, you'll find it if you find peace with yourself.
Oh, and I'd love to see you chase that business opportunity down, so keep dreaming, seeing, visualising and taking steps towards it.
You've got this and you deserve love. xx