I was living for around 2 years with my girlfriend. How it started was that I met her at a hostel while on a long work trip and, mostly out of lust, jumped in bed with her. She had some vaginal infection, and I wasn't able to put it in, this all after she had aggressively convinced me not to use a condom. But she still kept going, and I did cum while being half in, half-out, and she kept going. I heard about her life story...her father and mother both passed away due to cancer when she was 11 and then 17, respectively. She had a troubled childhood. There were red flags but were taken over by empathy and kindness. I took her to the gynecologist and was taking care of her and I was overwhelmed by her love. she didn't have any job...nothing. The rent from her (parent's) properties was coming every month. This went on and then she disappeared for a week saying that she went to her first & only long-term boyfriend of 5 years and wanted to check on him since he got sick or something. I ain't an insecure guy but still struggled because she turned her phone off. She was back telling me that she only gave him a dry kiss and that's it. I was thinking of leaving her. Later we discovered she got pregnant from our "first night" and she panicked and I cajoled her and after long discussions, she said she can't decide and would go with whatever I'd decide. I had decided to keep the baby and we planned and I promised to take care of our baby irrespective of our relationship. She rejected, made me feel like I spoiled her life and flew back to Sicily(her home) to have the abortion with no say of mine. After a week she reached out to me and I cajoled her and let her blame me for it made her feel relaxed.
It disturbed me, I shut down my business, took a long break from work and went to her. We traveled around a lot for 3 months & met around 50 of her family members in her town, who made me feel the warmest and homely. By this time, we were kinda hooked to each other and thinking long term a bit.
After a few months, she flew to me as I was getting back from to working again. One day while she was out while I was working, she called me to ask if she can go see a friend (this a guy who she earlier told me liked her but she had no feelings for him), I said, "yes of course, there is no need to ask me." She went nuts after a week. My smallest action would make her angry. I got frustrated and left in anger and when I reached the train station, I just couldn't leave and I came back crying like a loser. She acted strangely, saying that a friend of hers is on the way to meet her and she doesn't want me to be anywhere around her. She expressed being "the happiest" when I had left. I took the blame on myself and begged her to give me two weeks to repair this. She half-agreed. It was hell. I couldn't touch her, talk to her or do my work, & felt like
PLEASE READ and was almost suicidal and one day she broke my thumb over a small argument. The next day she left and after a week, I convinced myself that I was the one who needed to understand her and listen to her better rather than always asking that from her. I called her family and no one was able to reach her and so I got scared, I care too freaking much for her. I went to look for her, with great tenacity, someone at a tourist spot nearby recognized her and a hotel told me she was staying there with another guy, it was the same guy whom she met a few days ago. I went to ask the taxi drivers, etc. and ended up meeting an extremely paranoid version of her. I took her to a restaraunt a little ahead where I had called another friend(older than me) to support me in this time of crisis. She accused me of many thing like conspiring against her, of spoiling her life and putting her behind the bars if she doesn't always obey my commands. I felt like
PLEASE READ. She was somehow listening to my friend for a while and then she started screaming on him too. Lots of screaming and public drama later, he convinced her to come rest in a separate room at our hotel and she is free to leave the next day. She had become a maniac and I was really afraid. Suprisingly she stayed back and my friend left back for home, then she asked me to go to any other city nearby and wait. Few painful days later, she arrived there and we cuddled and fought and kissed. We were onto some intense sex but I stopped and we rather slept.
Then after getting back to my city, I rented a condo where we were happily living, cooking, eating, working, loving and everything else. This was the ideal, perfect and best and most productive time of both our lives. When confronted about the cheating event, she simply said she lost herself(brought on by my actions) but didn't cheat on me. I saw that we need more time to go into further details. My thumb was still recovering and I couldn't use it, which is a huge problem being a climber but she never apologized. Over this time, the pattern was clear, she did a mistake--> I clearly told her that its human to do a mistake but never accepting it and blaming others is not fine. Whenever I used to talk to her about her mistakes she said she needed time and when I gave her time, she used to forget and asked me to stop dwelling in the past and focus on the present.
She wasn't able to maintain a stable relationship with anyone, her cousin(a male nurse) who supported her during abortion was painted by her as a devil, her aunts, her friends...everyone. I used to talk to her peacefully about these at length and that she needs to work on that and be able to build continued connections. In a way, I was literally raising her & felt like this was my duty in the cosmos. She refused to go to a psychiatrist and her mother also probably had similar issues. She had dropped out of two graduate courses and her English wasn't too well.
When working towards continuing education, she started talking about rather working a job and vice-versa. With great difficulty, I convinced her to enroll in English classes, and I helped her a lot with that too and to give the language exam which she chose to do in Italy and flew back. After going back, she started ignoring me for a few days and then suddenly flipped and said that she was never into me, loved me or wanted to be with me leave forever. She accused me of manipulating her. I was devastated but managed to with difficulty, had her apply to a graduate course she wanted to do, Wrote her application, motivation letter, etc. while she was abusing me. Somehow I managed to convince her to accept the truth. Things were normal again and then I moved to China and asked her to come to me since she wasn't doing anything else with her life these days and would make sense for us to be together and help her with her ennui and nihilism too. She refused, rejected and then I couldn't reason any longer. I stood firm that if she doesn't come I will not see her anymore. Unexpected of her, she apologized, expressed her regret for her mistakes in the past(wow) and said she would like to work things out but won't able to travel on a long flight. I made up and then she enrolled in the uni and we both were happy. I got pretty busy with work in China and wasn't talking to her as much as before. Then the winter break of 2019 arrived and I asked her to come but she said that she already booked a flight to Sicily and would like to go there. This time being alone, eating
PLEASE READty food & stressed from work, I acted irrationally and got very angry and agitated and verbally abused her and later regretted doing that and apologized a lot to her. Then a few days later, we were talking normally, then we stop talking to each other and I went traveling in Asia for the holidays where I met an accident on a rented scooter. After not talking for around ten days including Christmas and New Year's Eve, I called her and disconnected, she called back, I apologized for disturbing her peace by calling, She said that she was missing me much.
After being approached by hot ladies and still thinking about my gf, my love was enforced. After a week, she was again lovingly talking to me, expressing love and saying that she would anything to make things work. I convinced her of the importance of her simply acknowledging her actions from the past which hurt me and she never accepted or apologized for them. I asked her to do an exercise where irrespective of whomsoever sharing the blame with her, she had to write every incident and just express her share of the mistake. After I saw her making excuses and delaying, I stopped picking her calls, acting very pissed or talking only for a minute or two. I told her that after this I will shift permanently near her or make some arrangements for the same which was something I was truly planning and actually did do alone later. It worked I guess, she started writing and said she had written three pages and I was so happy that I was thinking of proposing her for marriage in 2020, little did know the truth. Suddenly she stopped calling, picking up or replying to my texts. After four days she picked up and I told her that I got so scared that I was thinking of calling the cops. (She is really weak and sometimes falls or faints and I was very afraid.) She got angry and was crying and shouting that I am trying to spoil her life and keep controlling her and dominating her and I am an imbecile incapable of anything and everything. I simply said, "stop listening to the poisonous people around you amore mio, you are being delusional, please calm down and that you have put up your glasses of hate and can only see bad in me right now like many times before. Please recognize this pattern, take your time and calm me back." She didn't, rather everyday sent a text like..."you said there isn't much chance for our relation to work out anyways" "The physical distance doesn't work, I can't do this on the phone." After another week, we talked she said, " I had put too much pressure on her,,... she was reassured the pressure was too much when she had to cum 5 times last night." I was in shock, I peacefully asked to stop talking to both of us and stay with herself and then decide after a week or so. She rejected and said he was a great guy and maybe she has something great going on with him, I interjected and she disconnected the call and stopped picking up my calls or replying to text. I was getting suicidal and then got diagnosed with MDD. My head has gone from hairy to half-bald in just two years. I was gasping for breath. It has been two months, I did send her a couple of emails meanwhile and she has not replied. What am I supposed to do now ? This is true that she expects me to be by her side when she is down but hits me in the groin when I am down. But I think keeping her BPD in mind, if I would have been more supportive and patient, things would have worked out for the better.
Does it make sense for me to go to her to see her or call her or her friend or someone ? I am mentally in a way better state right now but still unable to move on. Maybe she lied that she cheated, but I just can't accept that she is there living her life full of even more anxiety because of her actions but still acting as if everything is fine to convince herself that what she is doing is right. I believe that she is capable of change and worth taking another leap of faith. Today she texted me saying that he she hopes I am fine. I am confused.
