Worried about my bpdM going out during pandemic

[wmm]

I have posted on here a few times about my current situation. My bpdM is currently mad at my father, brother and me. She is staying in a hotel because she wants to be away from my dad. She gets pneumonia easily. I'm very worried about her health. She goes out to restaurants almost daily because she is an alcoholic and wants to drink there (she also wants to be social). I have not been talking to my bpdM during this period of rage but I am worried about her. She is alone and is impulsive. I want to reach out to her but I'm worried she'll just get mad at me. I don't know what to do.

[TelHill]

Perhaps someone will give you a better suggestion, but you could call your jurisdiction’s Adult Protective Services for advice. It sounds like you are rightly concerned for her well-being.

You are prudent to be concerned about your own health.  Stay safe. Tell her you can’t meet her due to health concerns and need to postpone. The tools and tips on this website have lots of techniques for healthy communication with bpd family members.

This book has helped me quite a bit:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68021.0

[shield-me]

Hi wmm, you  are so caring to your bpdM !  I know it's difficult when the BPD family member just won't listen. What can we do when BPD family members don't listen to us? We do the best for them and they treat us with no heart.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi wmm, 

Do you feel that your mom is trying to punish you and your family members by staying away during this virus time? Is this something she has done before? I can understand your concern, and this is tough to watch unfold. How is she doing today?

Wools

[Methuen]

She is staying in a hotel because she wants to be away from my dad. She gets pneumonia easily. I'm very worried about her health. She goes out to restaurants almost daily because she is an alcoholic and wants to drink there (she also wants to be social). I have not been talking to my bpdM during this period of rage but I am worried about her. She is alone and is impulsive. I want to reach out to her but I'm worried she'll just get mad at me. I don't know what to do.

I can hear your anxiety, and I am sorry you are feeling at such a loss about what to do.  

Everyone's situation is so different.  I don't know anything about your situation other than what is in this thread.  So I can only comment on where I am with my mom.
With all I have been through with my mom, I am at the point where I let her make her own decisions, and experience her own consequences, because I need to let her live her life, and I need to live mine.  I'm no expert, but I think coming to that place, and accepting it, is called differentiation.  

I don't call choosing to let her make her own choices her way, "tough love".  Some people would.  Instead, I call it respecting her autonomy to make her own decisions.  Do those decisions sometimes drive me crazy?  Yes.  Do they disappoint me?  Yes.  But when I start to feel the FOG, I remind myself that she is an adult, wanting to live her life her way, and I need to let her do that.  Jumping in there to rescue her takes away her sense of control, and feeds the BPD drama.  We non's think we're "helping", but because it's BPD, maybe we're not.

If you've tried SET, and validating questions, and boundaries and you avoid JADEing with her, and you're still afraid to reach out in case she will rage at you, you've done all you can, and maybe she just needs time to self-sooth.

Yes it's a scary time with Covid 19.  But she will be aware (even little kids are aware).

[wmm]

Thank you everyone for your advice and support. I've talked to my mom and she's returned home. Luckily they are closing the restaurants and bars in her city today. My main concern is that she would bring it home to my dad who is turning 71 on the 22nd and has diabetes and high blood pressure.

Also, she wants me to go to my parents' house to "talk". She was mad at me, said very hurtful things. She is not planning on apologizing. I think she is looking for an apology from me. This will probably be the last time that I see my family for a long time if I go. I want to see them but I don't want the drama. At the same time, I want things resolved between us. I wish we could have just figured it out on the phone. She's really into dealing with stuff in person lately.

[zachira]

You say your bpdM is into dealing in person with stuff lately and it is very hard for you because of the mean things she says to you. I am just wondering if your bpdM behaves better in front of people she is not close to and wants to look good in front of. I often have other people around that my family members with BPD want to impress, and I usually get treated way better than I would in private. What do you think? Then again, maybe you don't want to go to your bpdM's house at all, and I don't blame you. We are her to listen and support you whatever you decide.

[wmm]

I've been sick for the past 11 days. I was feeling better this morning so I told my bpdM I would be able to come tomorrow. I had to inform her tonight that I wasn't able to come because my cough came back today. She was so mean to me. She doesn't seem to believe me. I shouldn't be so upset. I feel so alone. My partner is staying away from me so that he doesn't get sick. I have no one to talk to. I talked to a nurse on the phone tonight and she told me to stay home and see my doctor so I'm talking to my doctor on the phone tomorrow.