So worried right now

[twocrazycats]

So I knew my peace of mind was over when they closed my daughter's college and she came home.

She just broke up with one bf, who, it turned out, was using and selling drugs and lying to her about it. She had a few dates with a boy at college, whom I met just once, and he seemed nice. Then when she came home, she said she was going to hang out with some friends from high school. It turned out that one of the boys in the group is really "into" her and wanted to go out with her. He's two years older than she is, goes to a different college, and is, of course, home too. I haven't met him. She hung out with him last week and then went out tonight on a date with him. I asked if she wanted me to meet him or if it was too soon. She said it was too soon, that she's just "seeing where it goes."

She said she'd be home before 12. It's almost 45 minutes later. I know that might not seem much to some people, but my dd ALWAYS texts when she's going to be more than 10 or 15 minutes late. The only time she didn't was when she was with the ex bf with the drugs, but I knew where she was, that she was at his house and his parents were there.

Now I have no idea where she is. She didn't walk out angry. She seemed fine, pretty stable. I've texted her, called her, no response. I'm so worried that he put something in a drink, that he's raping her, holding her against her will. I can't stop crying. Please pray that she's okay and that she comes back soon. I can't take this anymore. I. just. can.t.

A desperate, crying 2CC

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi
Just checking in with you. How are you and did daughter come home yet? I am on my way to work and will write more. 

[PeaceMom]

2CC,
I’m so sorry about your situation. It reminded me of when my DD was 18 (she just turned 20) and her comings and goings got crazy. The people she was with were dangerous (drug dealers, users) and she ignored curfews here.

My T helped me understand that I had 2 choices:
1. Continue trying to impose consequences for rule violations which left me on active duty and hyper vigilant. I tried this by cancelling her cell phone (bc it was used to arrange to be w/people doing illegal things), taking her keys away (bc we were paying for car used for illegal activities), locking the house at curfew and she could sleep on back patio, etc.

Or 2. Letting pure natural consequences kick in.

We chose #1 for a very short time, but that put too much responsibility on us, the parents. I felt like I was living under a false sense of control, I was the gate keeper. My DD resented it and her rage grew. When I noticed I was becoming physically sick because I was trying to control another person, I stopped.

She bought her own prepaid phone for $40 a month, she got her own car loan and got a part time job (while taking college classes). I stopped advising and questioning and micromanaging her. She started acting a tiny bit more responsible for her own decisions. My panicky, controlling personality changed and she felt the full impact of her being fully empowered to make decisions and live with the consequences. I do still go with her for her 3 month birth control shots (I’ve not let that one go to natural consequences yet).

Do you have a T? Or face to face support group? It’s hard to make changes without help.

Sending you a big hug.

[Swimmy55]

Hi 2CC,
 I hope you are feeling better and the situation straightened out. I know only too well about worrying to the point of being frantic. I, too , have dark thoughts that my estranged son is sick in the street somewhere, and now with corona virus pandemic... but onto you.

~I only have a couple of thoughts you may want to consider:
~ In my instance, DS being in college and living on campus opened the floodgates of  coming and going/ mini shacking up in other dorm rooms, etc without answering to anyone.  To go from there to home where there are expectations /  rules of accountability is a rough  downer transition even for "normal" kids.  Add BPD + some substances to ingest into the mix and then it gets really out there with our kids.
~There is also that damned teen / late teen rebellion.  I myself had a rebellious streak late at the age of 24 where I blew through curfew.  Just because.  I had absolutely no other reason.
~Before my son got really sick, whenever he came home from college , the rules were if he spent the night somewhere, just let me know .  No pot in the house ( hahaha)Also , no inviting other friends over without me being there ( and honestly, these 2 were probably not followed, I'm a single mother and had to work).   He did his own laundry.  That was about it.   
~Please keep us posted

[twocrazycats]

I just want to update. I've been meaning to, but have been busy trying to get my son home to the states from the U.K., and did it just in time. He arrived home today and told me that they just went on lock down over there (not sure if he was referring to London or all of U.K. I imagine the entire country, since he said all international flights were halted.) Originally his ticket was for Saturday, but I changed it to Friday. If I had not, he'd have been stuck overseas, away from all family, and also away from most of his friends, since they've already left.

But as for my daughter: She texted many hours after I posted staying she was staying at the boy's house. She did say that her earlier texts hadn't gone through, so maybe she was in a place with no reception. She arrived home at 11 the next morning, and, for once, she seemed genuinely sorry. I just told her it can't happen again, and listed some things I needed her to do next time, such as, I do want to meet him, I want his address, and she needs to go to a spot that has reception to tell me when she's planning to return. She agreed to all. We'll see. It's going to be a long spring and summer before she goes back to school...

Thank you to those who responded on the thread and in private message. 

2CC

[Swimmy55]

Glad your kids are both safe!
Although you already know this , I gently say there is a chance there may be future resistance from her RE: meeting her dates and giving you their addresses. She may soon come back at you with the " I'm an adult " thing.  Which is true. For your sanity,  do you have plan in place for boundary violations/re negotiations with her? 

[twocrazycats]

Glad your kids are both safe!
Although you already know this , I gently say there is a chance there may be future resistance from her RE: meeting her dates and giving you their addresses. She may soon come back at you with the " I'm an adult " thing.  Which is true. For your sanity,  do you have plan in place for boundary violations/re negotiations with her?  

I do know that. That's one reason why I start out by setting a boundary that might seem strict (because I know I'm going to be negotiating downward). It's also why I only discuss what I need from her when she seems stable. When she returned from this past "adventure," she seemed to truly feel bad that she hadn't been able to at least contact me. So the timing seemed right to tell her what I want from her going forward. We'll see if it happens.

I've also explained that these boundaries are for my own peace of mind, that the purpose is not to control her. And that I am paying all expenses for the household, and have a right to have peace of mind in my own house. I keep stressing that if she works and saves, she can put money toward getting her own place. And when does have a place that she's paying for, then she'll make the rules and I'll have to follow her rules when/if I go there. The short version would be: "you can't live here if you're going to keep doing this," but I'm certainly not going to say it that way.

2CC