Coming back out of the fog (First post)

[Reawakening]

Hi everyone,

I was here about 2 years ago, reading and learning. I read most of Walking on Eggshells and some of Splitting at the time, and lots of articles. I took my daughter and left uBPDh and stayed with relatives. I went no contact for a week and then I broke down and called him back because he sounded so sad and distraught. By the time I called, he had found an anger management counselor, went to that as well as his old therapist and a pastor. I stayed away for only 3 weeks and then moved back into the house. I felt guilty for the pain he was in. I am quick to take responsibility for my things (and too quick to take responsibility for things that aren’t mine). As you can probably guess, soon after we moved back the counseling sessions stopped for various excuses. Some of the behaviors continued to be improved and some crept back in over time.

I feel like I’m reawakening out of the fog again now. Partially due to the stress of the pandemic. Partially because my daughter (12) confided to me recently that she wished we lived by ourselves in an apartment and she wishes we didn’t come back 2 years ago.

I have been re-reading Eggshells and visiting these forums again. It’s like I’m awakening for the first time all over again. How is it possible that I willingly went right back into the fog and buried my head in the sand for almost 2 years? Ugh.

uBPDh doesn’t work, and hasn’t for almost the whole 12 years we have been together. He’s not on disability although he probably would have qualified when he first stopped working. He has not taken steps toward being able to work or get his business going again, yet he talks about it constantly. He has these elaborate business and money making plans and always says how upset he is that he’s not making money for our family, but never takes any steps. I work 2 full time jobs from home and pay for everything. Side note, does anyone know how alimony works? Is there such a thing as lump sum?

Over the past week marriage counseling has been brought up a few times. I really want to go to counseling, because I want to broach some subjects in that space and ultimately if I tell him I want to separate I would want to do it there. Unfortunately with coronavirus in our state that isn’t an option right now.

So I’m trying to start using some tools again and come from a better place when there is conflict. I am torn though because even though I understand that his behavior originates in fear, I’m angry and resentful that I have to deal with it and that myself and my daughter have been subjected to it for all this time. Sometimes I just want to say nope, that’s it! I am walking away from all of this, I don’t need to justify my reasons to you, my daughter and I deserve a peaceful home. But then I also feel guilty.

Anyway that was a long and rambling introduction. I’m grateful to be back here.

[Cat Familiar]

How is it possible that I willingly went right back into the fog and buried my head in the sand for almost 2 years? Ugh.

To answer your question: wishful thinking, he’d made some progress, keeping your family intact, you still care about him, concern for his ability to be on his own, fear, obligations, guilt (FOG)—or some combination of these factors.

Don’t beat yourself up about this choice. You gave him the opportunity to step up and he hasn’t, and things are nearly the same, with some minor improvement.

You are now at the point where you are assessing what the next steps are for your daughter and you. Certainly the pandemic complicates things, but it’s a good time to get your ducks in a row for the next phase of your life.

Why not head over to the legal board and post questions about alimony there. It would be ideal if you could get a legal consultation, perhaps through Zoom or over the phone, as laws differ from state to state.

[Reawakening]

Thank you Cat Familiar. You make great points and suggestions. I will ask about alimony on the legal board.