Hello everybody,
I need to ask you an opinion about the last relationship I had, because according to my psychiatrist she has BPD, in my opionion she has traits of BPD but it's missing the black and white thinking
After breakup to get back with her last ex I was not painted black, she still says i'm "perfect, sweet" guy but she needs something else now. According her we are completely opposite persons.
I need to understand in case she will contact me if I can give her a second chance or not
Some days I thinks she has BPD, some days I think she doesn't ...in the second case I think that he reason we broke up was his ex or the fact she is not ready for a "serious" relationship please help me to clarify
I've tried to be as much detailed and neutral as possible
Here below the facts:
She's 27 years old, she's a psychologist that is specializing herself in child psycoanalisy (she really loves children, she love to play with them)
We know each other from instagram in late November 2019, she doesn't use it much but . First date we kiss, second date she has her house available and invites me so we make love. She's sexy and she's really gourgeous in bed, she asks me: what do you really like? The following time we see she fullfll my desires...
I feel desidered, we spend the night making sex and after we sleep together cuddling. I say her it never happened to me to feel so comfortable to cuddle with a stranger,it's like we know and we love since a long time , she says it's the same and it's the first time also for her.
Immediately she reaveals me to be bisexual but to prefer men..she says she defines herself hetero-flexible. She's prooud of it and has many homosexual (lesbian) friends.
She tell me she slept with 27 people in her life, and that she doesn't want to forget them so once she wrote a list.
She tell me she had a couple of threesome in her life, and that sometimes she sleep with people in her first date...she says she feels comfortable to know more about them having sex, it's a kind of shyness
She says she made some personal sex tape
She says she never cheated in a relationship because her dad cheated on her mother when she was 11 and she heard the phone call of her father with the mistress. She told her mother about and her dad left home for some time. Than the father came back and left their home definitively whan she was 17yo. She told her mother (religious woman) wanted to keep her father at home but she decided he had to leave. She told me that we have to be sincere one with the other, if we are attracted by other people we should tell each other and not cheat.
She had a 5 years long relationship with a 10 year older man when she was 16 yo, relationship ended by her due to the end of love. The father of this guy commited suicide
Than a 6 months relationship with a girl (she was left by the girl). When she was adolescent she always thought she could like girls
Thanka relationship with a guy (but I don't know how long), the guy left her. The brother of this guy committed suicide
Than a 2 years relationship with her last ex (I will call him Mario) that ended in april 2019. She left him because he was immature
She told me that in her opinion it was not a case that two of her relationship were with people who had experience with suicide in family, she was like "fascinated"
The relation goes on very well, apart some moments that remind her ex. She tells me anyway that she doens't love anymore her ex because since the breakup in April they had a sexual encouter in September and in that occasion she felt nothing for him. She agreed only because he went to her home and knocked at the door and was going crazy and she thought he could harm himself.
Like once a month he called her but everytime it happened she told me he called, she said that she doesn't love him anymore, anyway he was an important person in her life and as a psycologist she was worried he could harm himself. She looked sincere so I didn't care.
on 7th of january 2020 she says she understood SHE LOVES ME, in the following weeks she introduce me to her familty, I do the same with her.
She tells me: "I love you but are you able be patient with me? I have three years of specialization to do" (every two weeks she has to go to Rome to attend the course+ she plays volleyball 4 nights a week +she works+she makes pro bono psycological support) I say I will be, but i'm 37 years old so not at the moment but I'm tired of teenage relationships, so in the future I want to live the relationship at a deeper lever, living together
On the 2nd of febraury she says: if this relationship goes on like this way we will move together
On the 8th of february she comes back form Rome very tired , I propose to have a trekking walk the day after and she get upset (no rage , no anger, just a discussion). She says I don't think to her needs if I make this proposals, she says that this thing make her sad because for her it's like to understand we can't be together because I always want to make things, that I have more free time than her (that instead has her life filled with volleyball,study,work etc). I reply that I didn't booked anything, that I was just proposal, so she has not to be upset with me . Anyway that night we eat a pizza at my place, we make love, the day after she ask to me to play with an app to see how will be our future children face, we record also a sex tape, and she says that she wants to have a baby from me (not now, in 3-4 yers)
Since that moment for a couple of days she treats me in a cold, distant way. on 12th of February she says me she feel sad, i ask her: " Do this sadness regards me?" She says yes, because she dreamed about her ex Mario that night and she thought to him all day, but she tells me she spoke with her therapist and they agreed that, as she loves him no more, that she dream him because their relationship was very playful, childish (and this was also the reason she broke with him) but she dream it in contrast to our relationship that instead required commitment.
I don't comment, i just say "Why are you telling me this? It's you business". The day after she writes me "today the sun is shining! " and after drinking some wine , a bit drunken she says she want to see me. We meet and we make love, after sex she plays all the afternoon with my 4 nieces. She is really happy again, and she ask to forgive her, she says she was such a stupid to even think to what she thought.
The day after she goes to work and she also speaks about me to her boss at work, telling him that I'm a good guy.
Two days after I book for San valentines an hotel with SPA in front of Capri, we go together and i feel her cold again. At the sunsent on the see she says that she should be happy with that sunset, but she feels she's missing something in our relationship but she doesn't know what exactly. She starts to cry and she says that meeting my family and my two sister in law she doesn't feel at their same level (they are very nice persons, they love each other, they are also beautiful women). She also says that she feels like she's a priority for me and she doesn't feel comfortable with that feeling ( a couple of other times before when I did something for her like prepare something to eat she felt like this)
Crying she says: " I disappointed you, I know".
She says that it was difficult also for her because she also made fantasies about our future together, she imagined we would left our children to play with the granny (my mother) and with the cousins (my nieces)
She says I'm perfect, That none in her life gave her so much as I did but that she cannot listen to her emotions.
I pickup all the things she left in my house and give back to her.
We go no contact for 10 days, than I ask her to see each other.
She says ok, we meet and she say that the day before (24th of February) her ex called her, she felt she wanted to meet him and they spend all the day and all the night together.
She told me she felt again the same love and happiness when they where together, as that 10 months from the breakup never passed.
I asked her: so our 2 month and half together were not important for you? She looked at me and said:" sure, they were important, I have still here all the stuff you gave me". I felt her as that physical objects in that bag were the only reason for which she remembered our story.
She also told me that she know that much probably she is idealizing her ex, and that the problems they had 10 months ago were still there, so she isn't sure she will come back with him (as far as I know they are together now, but she has not officialized with pictures on FB/Instagram)
Other Facts that could be important:
she dreamed a lot, quite every night, and she remember all the dreams she made. When we slept together cuddling she dreamed less. BPD have problems going in deeper sleep state, for this reason they dream more than average people
She also sleep a lot in the weekend even 10-12 hours in a row.
She is a positive person, full of energy, full of life, with many many friends. Everybody loves her, she's always smiling and she always wants to have fun (she like childish games)
She eats a lot, she's not fat but definetively loves to eat. She can't appreciate a good cooked meal compared to a standard one, she loves to eat everything. I think the same for sex, because the one before me were not so good looking as me
She likes to drink and she like to lose control, but always in the weeked. She doesn't drink everyday.
At the beginning of the relationship she told me she wants to be and she know she is "the perfect girlfriend"
She told me she would not ever make a threesome with me and another woman, because she doesn't want to "share me".
When she went to the therapist the day she dreamed her ex she told me that during the session she feel like she doesn't exist, that the thoughts in her head were the thoughts of her mother and her father
As far as I know no self mutilation on her arms, no depression episodes
She told me she have to fill the days of things to do otherwise she felt like the day was useless.
She is vegetarian because she love animals (she has a dog)
She is the first daughter and a brother a couple of years younger than her
Her mother is a math teacher, not a big chatterer. She is religious but doesn't seem fanatic
Her father is an English teacher, it seemed to me very serious and controlled. She always says that her father gave her the love for freedom, she loves to be free due to her father and thinks that freedom it's the most important thing
She asked about the opinion I had on her family and about the opionion my family had about her.
She is a bit exhibizionist, all the facts about the people she slept with were known also to her friends. Her therapist says she should talk less
I told her that my therapist thinks she has BPD, she made a little smile at me saying:" A BPD that is in therapy since two years?" . She would mean that a person with BPD would not go to therapy
Once she told me she she has the fantasy to have dick...she's very curious. She also told me that she with her ex were programming to use a strap-on
She is not a "home girl", she can't cook and she is always busy outside her home (Sometimes she goes back home at 23:00-23:30). In general she doensn't seem a resposible person regarding home stuff.
This is a little extract of one of her thoughts on Facebook, her therapist said her that the answer is "GREED":
"When I was a little girl and they asked me what my favorite color was, I would answer '' the rainbow ''.
Now my answer is still this.
I have never been able to choose among all the beautiful things that are there.
I have never been able to restrict, synthesize, everything has always seemed very important and fascinating.
I always liked to add, enrich, research new things while keeping the old ones intact.
I have never accepted "aut / aut", I have always looked for links that make everything more complex, fuller and at the same time more confusing.
... now I wonder, WHY?"
This is the last message she sent to me after the breakup, some days ago:
"Hi Dany, I'm really happy that you managed to send me these messages and thoughts that populated your mind last night.
You told me some very beautiful things that struck and excited me. At times you made me smile, at times I felt like crying and I felt a strong hold in my stomach.
What you told me is strong and I want to take it and welcome it like this. I take your anger, I take your pain, I take your love and I don't give up anything. I have no regrets, I wouldn't do anything different. I'm happy for what happened between us, something sudden, intense, crazy or too rational to be crazy anyway. Extreme emotions fascinate me, which is why I can't help thinking about the time spent with you with fascination. Our relationship, even if short, has made me grow, understand things or understand that I have not understood them. It frightened me but allowed me to also deal with the illusion of omnipotence that pervades my life. I understand that I'm not ready to jump, despite being a great diving enthusiast. I realized that the fact of diving from that height serves me precisely this, to hide my
PLEASE READing fears
I would like to respond point by point to what you have told me but it is difficult, impossible. What I can tell you is that the memory of you I keep it as something very precious, I keep it in my mind tightly, how I hold the memories of shared moments tight.
I really believe that the fact that you can't only bear a grudge against me makes you a unique and special person, because you managed to go beyond hatred and this is not for everyone, quite the contrary. You somehow managed to understand me, to understand my time, my frailties, my illusions, my fears.
You managed to get inside me, into the monsters that populate my head, you managed to look at the wounds of my heart. You hurt yourself a lot, and believe me, I am heartbroken. I have dreams of enormous guilt and I feel small and undeserving of the feeling so powerful that you have given me. You are a good man, delicate, respectful of the times and also understanding the difficulties of others, a rare pearl. It was probably not my time, our time, my mind and my heart are messed up. I don't even know why and how, but I rediscovered a huge feeling for Mario right after our breakup. A regression, says my analyst, but does all this have a negative connotation? Fruit of a huge fright or rediscovery of something that is never finished? This will only tell me the time, however I don't want to be here bothering you with my heart and mind issues. I wanted to tell you above all that I keep you: I keep our moments, your thoughts, our photos, your gifts and what has belonged to us for almost 3 months. I keep all this because for me it was important, vital, crazy.
You deserve happiness and someone who knows how to stay in your smile without worries, just as I couldn't stay there
In conclusion, then I swear that I don't bother you again, it is true that perhaps we will never see each other again. But it is also true that if we keep ourselves as something beautiful, something rare and special, we will also be able to make peace with ourselves and with what has been and is now. In any case, I hope that our lives can, in some way or in some form, cross again.
I love you!"
She spoke to her therapist asking her if she is BPD...her Therapist answer was: go look the differences between borderline and border states
I beg you...Please help me! Give me your opionion
