Good vibes here / 5.5 years since last contact

[gotbushels]

Hi Everyone   

I want to share what it feels like being quite far away from the relationship with my UexBPDgf. I hope to share what it's like so people can add to the hope they have for their lives many years forward.

• I've enjoyed many years of peace without the UexBPDgf in my life. Yes there have been difficult people to deal with in my life, but I've enjoyed 2,000+ days waking up without worrying what tantrum a BP will throw in my relational life.
• I've enjoyed many years of satisfaction growing the relationship I wish I had with myself—because that's what being single became for me.
• I've enjoyed many years of satisfaction in an intimate relationship with a person I would rate as much healthier psychologically than my UexBPDgf.

Even so many years out, I thank God for these things frequently—even today.

I never reached a stage of enduring "I wish the best / good things for her / her relationship life" as others have done.

I don't feel angry about what happened, but I do have faith that God will take revenge on my behalf.

We know today that fragmented-self people struggle with things like living with themselves and ambivalence; so I do encourage us non's to embrace the gifts we do have. It's OK to self-care for a self that isn't inherently "bad". It's OK to have mixed feelings about things—even in the terminal / "resolved" state of an issue.

Enjoy your weekend.   

[Rev]

What a great post!

I am  coming up on a year being separated and at this time last year was understanding that it wasn't that there was something ""wrong in the relationship, that there wasn't something "wrong with me", that there was something really "off" with her and I was using the word "abuse" in my mind for the first time - meaning that there was something SERIOUSLY wrong in the relationship and that if I did not do something soon, I would get sick - very sick.

I love what you say about your relationship to yourself and knowing a real relationship. I am just turning the corner into that space.

So thank you for the light that points to a better place.  Curious - for you was healing a step by step process that just kept moving or are there definitive moments when you stopped and said - "Hey - I'm getting better than I once was"?

Rev

[once removed]

its good to hear from you again, gotbushels 

I never reached a stage of enduring "I wish the best / good things for her / her relationship life" as others have done.

i never really reached that place either...no judgment, either way, my ex is just kinda somebody i used to know and i dont really have any energy in her outcome either way.

I don't feel angry about what happened, but I do have faith that God will take revenge on my behalf.

did you reach forgiveness? i always wondered if wishing someone well and forgiveness went hand in hand.

[iluminati]

I'm a bit different in that I do want my exwBPD to do right by my daughter.  In terms of us, I  don't think much about her except in context with my daughter, and even most of that is on auto-pilot.  I will say this.  No matter the typical strum und drang of relationships, I'm so glad I pulled the plug 7 years ago this July.  The peace I got from making that decision continues on, and will continue for years to come.

[gotbushels]

[...] meaning that there was something SERIOUSLY wrong in the relationship and that if I did not do something soon, I would get sick - very sick.

Rev I'm glad you're coming to terms and being at peace with your role in the relationship with that person. I'm also glad that you're doing what's good for yourself physically in the long term.

I love what you say about your relationship to yourself and knowing a real relationship.

I think I was just very blessed to be put in places to put things together. It helped me a lot to pray for what I wanted—I think understanding what it means to be happy single was one of those blessings. My T was the one who told me that effective self-validation helps you know that you can be there for you—when you've got not parents/SO/best-friend there at any given time. So relating this to your post, I do think that even if you think there's something you didn't like about yourself/how you behaved—then that's still okay and you can grow and develop forward regardless of how much of a "mistake" you think it was.

Curious - for you was healing a step by step process that just kept moving or are there definitive moments when you stopped and said - "Hey - I'm getting better than I once was"?

Rev

Hm.

I think a lot of healing happens from things we don't control.

It was step by step in the sense that OK, is there denial in my life, what were the things I said here, what were the things I said that I wish were different today, what could I have done in this particular vignette, what is my understanding about BPD today compared to 2 years ago (if I think back to when I just broke up).

The "Hey - I'm getting better than I once was", to me is more like "Hey, thank God I'm wiser today, and I wouldn't do that to lead me to X situation".

Easiest example in detachment is to see what I'd do in a particular situation.

So one of my ex's favourite BP games was the no-win game. I'm refering to Mason and Kreger's example where the BP sets you up with a choice that (A) if you do X, then you must be Z, or (B) if you do Y, then you must be Z. Any choice you make makes you "Z".

1 month into my relationship with the BP, I'd follow the very "flesh" path and just do what I thought was good. I'd try to "prove why she shouldn't feel X anxiety". These people really set themselves up to fail by their excessive focus on fixing an issue-on-hand—which is consistent with what Mason and Kreger wrote that people who follow this path get stuck in these situations.

During my time after the relationship, I found myself picking a lot of the responses that empower the non to make the choices. Example being empowerment to walk away from a given relationship, if they want. When I recognise this here, I know that I've grown—because I'm making better behavioural choices than I'd make back before I knew about BPD.

Returning to your question on healing. I think I felt better over time as I took "corrective" steps to avoid "mistakes" like getting into the relationship with the BP. Another perspective is to see that we never really "heal" from a relationship because we weren't really "damaged" to begin with. Healing is the noun of "The process of making or becoming sound or healthy again." Many of us are so blessed that we weren't unhealthy. It may feel like we were hurt because breakup from a BP in a drama triangle feels like losing a limb. When we've got time and space to figure things out, it may not be as bad as that.

What do you think?



once removed   

i never really reached that place either...no judgment, either way, my ex is just kinda somebody i used to know and i dont really have any energy in her outcome either way.

Mm thanks for sharing. It's good to know that I'm in good company in this feeling tone of kinda detached, indifference, or absence of concern.   

did you reach forgiveness? i always wondered if wishing someone well and forgiveness went hand in hand.

Hmm good question.

I took the dictionary definition of forgive during my process. "Stop feeling angry or resentful towards (someone) for an offence, flaw, or mistake." I don't feel angry about what happened. So by this definition, I've forgiven practically. I don't feel anger.

I learned that when we forgive, we aren't giving permission to someone to repeat what they've done. Knowing my ex for the BPD she suffered, and the high chance she's gonna be stuck in those situations, I'd wish she gets what she gives. If she repeats the things with another guy, of course I won't wish her "well". If getting "well" results mean getting a result she deserves, from punching someone in the face, for example, then I do wish her "well"!   

So I suppose it depends on your definition. I'd consider I've reached some point of forgiveness, per the definition. I can wish her "well" if well means to get what she deserves. I won't wish her "the best / good things" though, best perhaps being good things regardless of the wickedness in action she brings into the world. I'm not Jesus lmao.

I'm a bit different in that I do want my exwBPD to do right by my daughter.

iluminati does it upset you when the pwBPD doesn't do what you want her to do?

[once removed]

During my time after the relationship, I found myself picking a lot of the responses that empower the non to make the choices. Example being empowerment to walk away from a given relationship, if they want. When I recognise this here, I know that I've grown—because I'm making better behavioural choices than I'd make back before I knew about BPD.

i, by and large, did the same thing.

an example being, pornography was a big issue in my relationship. it really hurt my ex. and i mean, on a deep level. its a touchy subject that lots of couples argue about.

we tried a few arrangements that either largely benefited her, or didnt work out, or she didnt stick to the agreement.

at a certain point, i told her i was going to look, and that she should do what she needed to do, and if that was to leave, that id understand. she didnt. she couldnt. but the resentment remained. in retrospect, and in the future, ive had to take a hard look at how my choices could affect future relationships.

like a lot of us, ive wondered at what point i should have assessed our differences, and walked away from a dead end relationship that was hurting both of us. where do we draw the line? at what point does giving someone else the choice defer our own? at what point are we hanging onto things or ways that hurt a relationship?

[gotbushels]

we tried a few arrangements that either largely benefited her, or didnt work out, or she didnt stick to the agreement.

Mm yes trying to negotiate with a BP can be difficult. Me too, I remember when we were negotiating a given topic, for example, for her not to go into a cheating behaviour when she was unhappy—it was like trying to build on quick sand. It felt so frustrating.

I think the important thing is to remember that we did try to negotiate—it's more difficult to do that than just shutting the other person down or walking away. Trying to negotiate with someone where it's like they were born that day and forgot everything from yesterday—that can feel so frustrating. Relationship satisfaction -10.

where do we draw the line?

I think drawing lines is a thing the non most effectively does on their own. E.g., cheating for me is a line.

Wow so many lines. That's the thing about a relationship with a BP, there are SO many lines you have to keep track of—when things get stressful it's no wonder that non's feel like their beautiful checkerboard structures feel like they turn in a child's scribbles.

This is really a monopolisation of attention—it's the black hole of attention-seeking. I admire non's who are parents who have kids to manage on top of all this.

at what point does giving someone else the choice defer our own?

Assuming the partner has truly strong BP traits—then give no choices to the BP.

When it comes to choosing where lines are drawn (defining what behaviours are wanted and not wanted) i.e., structuring the relationship's dynamics—then that's setting up the deck to lose abysmally.

I think one of the worst things you can do with a BP is give them a choice on how to structure things.

"OK, how do I then allow this person to develop their self-capacities if I remove their choices?" In a nuclear family, whose concern, if any, would this be? It seems the parent. Which then allows us as nons to see that we are not the BP's parent.

If concerns like this occur in a relationship, and kids are planned for, then choosing to manage a child that never grows up all at the same time—I think that's a hugely arrogant assumption of just how capable a non thinks they are.

Of course, we pity a person who doesn't know the situation, rather than punish them. We pity ourselves for lack of knowledge rather than punish. So I think we do start to acknowledge the responsibility we have of finding as healthy as possible a partner for ourselves.

at what point are we hanging onto things or ways that hurt a relationship?

I think nons—in a relationship with someone with strong BP traits—are served well by keeping a personal pros and cons for their relationship's biggest issues.

Yes, if I were to give myself the advice in the relationship with a BP, I'd think "yes but normal relationships don't do that". Yes, maybe true, and part of dating a BP is accepting that you don't have a normal relationship. You have what maybe 6% of coupled people are dealing with at any given time. Something that's not in the 94% isn't "normal".

If you assume that 6% becomes 18% because all BP's are cheating among 2 other partners, then the relationships still all fall out of the 82% of what's "normal"   

If I told my ex this she would say "if you do this, you're keeping score, and don't love me". The point is seeing that's also a no win game. See that the primary reason to study the things is for yourself to decide as the emotional caretaker if it's in your interests to continue the relationship. Put another way, if you pro's and con's for your daughter to go to your school or your spouse's school, does it then follow that you don't love your school?



Summarily knowing that when someone shows a "red flag" that healthy people do revise the continuity in the relationship. It's OK to terminate the relationship if someone cheats on you. It's OK to terminate if someone tantrums at you every week. It's OK to be without a partner that generally "looks" good but where the BPD is an invisible horror.