Advice on Helping my Mother (with BPD) deal with COVID-19

[RocketOrion278]

Hi, this is my first post on this site. This site was recommended to me by a friend who found this helpful, so I'm hoping to gain some solid advice or even a plan for moving forward with my mom.
My mother has BPD, and it's a serious case. I'm a psychology major in college, so I've educated myself on the topic well, but I'm still struggling. Dealing with my mother has been an uphill battle since I was in middle school. I only just convinced her to start Dialectical Behavior Therapy while I was on spring break, and then COVID-19 hit and the world is shutting down. She won't leave her house for anything but food and she is driving my sister insane.
My sister is only 14, and she called me tonight upset with how mom is handling things and how hard mom is being on her. She wants so badly to go to my dad's house. My parents are divorced, and they have 50/50 custody. However, my mom won't let my sister go anywhere (except the store) because it's "too dangerous," so my dad hasn't seen my sister in weeks.
My sister told me her and mom went shopping for 8 hours today and spent $700, and my mom is unemployed so I have no idea where she got that money from. They now have 20 bottles of Lysol (or three per cat as my mom said, plus two for her and my sister) and an unreasonable amount of paper towels and food. This isn't the first time my mom has done this since quarantine started either.
My mother is contributing to this economy crash and I can't just sit by and watch this happen. She is hoarding so many essentials that other families now won't have. I have no idea how to handle this or approach my mom on this. I need her to see that she is buying things unnecessarily, and 2 or 3 bottles of Lysol would have been PLENTY.
As another example, my sister called me freaking out and crying last week, and my mom said she was going to take her to the hospital because she was CONVINCED my sister had COVID-19. My sister was having issues breathing, but she's an asthmatic so that's normal. My mother's panicking and hospital threats sent my sister into a panic attack which worsened the asthma attack. It got incredibly out of hand and I had to spend the entire evening calming them both down instead of studying.
My mother has been emotionally and verbally abusive for the greater half of our lives, and she has also been insanely neglectful. She doesn't have a job, she sleeps with people to get free things (she's even sleeping with the freaking custody lawyer), she never gets out of bed, and she treats my sister and I like garbage. I've done what I can to be patient with her, and I know this just sounds like a rant, but I don't know what else to do. I've tried reinforcing her good behaviors. I've tried punishing her bad behaviors. I have refused to react to her outlandish tales and freak outs. I don't give her attention when she has outbursts, because that would further reinforce that. I've tried convincing her to go to therapy. I've argued with her, I've cried with her, I've supported her, I've even given her $1,500 cash. What the heck do I do? How do I help her, and more importantly, how do I help my sister? Lastly, how do I help keep my mother from panic buying so that bigger families can have some damn paper towels.

[Kwamina]

Hi RocketOrion278

Yeah, the situation with your mom does sound rather challenging for both you and your little sister. I understand your concerns, especially since your sister is now stuck in the house with your mom.

Has your mother been formally diagnosed with BPD? You had convinced your mom to take DBT, but unfortunately due to outside circumstances this did not happen. Has your mom in the past perhaps received any kind of treatment or therapy for her issues before?

You also mention your dad, have you discussed what is going on with him? How does he feel about how your mother is behaving and particularly how she's treating your little sister?

Take care and welcome to BPDFamily

The Board Parrot

[RocketOrion278]

My mom was diagnosed with BPD years ago, but whenever she is told she has it she ditches the therapist. My mom has only ever had normal therapy before, she has never had DBT. My dad has tried to get full custody of my sister but he hasn't be able because of his job (he travels a lot). My dad has no control over my mom, there's nothing he can do. She doesn't listen to anyone.

[Notwendy]

Hello Rocket,

Although I am older than you, ( middle age), you remind me of me at your age with regards to your mother.

You are fortunate that you have a diagnosis. I didn't have any idea what was going on with myBPD mother until later, but I knew something wasn't right and searched for what it might be in psychology class in college. . I  did not major in psychology,  but I was searching for some kind of explanation and possible solution.

I was parentified - somehow felt obligated to help her, from an early age.

Now, as a parent myself, I understand how reversed that is. It is my responsibility to help my children cope with their feelings and challenging situations- and to help them learn to cope- as they grow and become independent adults. It isn't their job to help me cope with my feelings. That's my job! Now that they are older, it's their responsibily to cope with their feelings!

That doesn't mean we can't ask for help or moral support from other people. I'm there as a listening "ear" for them. Still, my job as a parent is to promote their own ability to manage, not to do it for them now that they are older. To do that would not be helpful to them. It would be like doing someone's homework for them- they need to learn to do it.

Yet, in my family growing up, we were expected to manage my BPD mother's feelings, and solve uncomfortable situations for her to try to keep the peace in the family.

I understand the connection with your younger sister. I think it is great that you are there for her. She's a child. You can help her as much as possible, but since your mother has custody of her, there's unfortunately a lot you can't control.

If the situation for your sister is abusive, you can contact child protective services.

You can continue to be an emotional support to your sister.

You are not responsible for helping your mother manage her uncomfortable feelings. You should treat her with respect and kindness to the extent you are able ( without putting yourself in danger or being abused). Your job is to pursue your path of growing up and becoming an adult.

Have you considered counseling for yourself?



I did this in college to help me cope with my family situation. This is a boundary thing. As a parent, what I want for my kids is to succeed in school. I wouldn't consider having them not study in order to "calm me down". I want them to study. Yet, when I was your age, my role as emotional caretaker to my mother felt "normal". It's all I knew to do. I had to learn to be able to see this from another perspective. I think counseling will help you to be able to establish some boundaries with your mother. Your college should have this available through student health.