Is the Coronavirus continuing to bring out the worst of your partner or not?

[Trobert]

I pose this question to you, because at this point in time due to the Coronavirus, my wife is actually being much more civil and helpful. Sure, I have made some minor mistakes regarding how to protect myself from getting ill, and she is right! Otherwise, I have offered to help inside the house, and I have expressed I wish this Coronavirus situation would be over for all of us so that our lives could return to normalcy. Also, I would like to go out to do the typical things I do for us. She totally understands and appreciates what I have offered, but she is well aware of the fact that I am older with underlying medical issues. So, I need to stay in the house.

The only question I have is if she will revert to her old ways of being abusive after the Coronavirus. Obviously, you nor I don't know what will happen, but I was wondering if any of you have had your partner continuing to bring out the worst or not during the Coronavirus situation that we are unfortunately encountering.

[Fian]

My wife and I were talking about this the other day.  The quarantine is forcing family members to spend more time together.  While that may result in more spousal murders in some cases, we thought overall that a bigger issue in marriage is a lack of quality time together, so overall the forced together time will result in better relationships.  Now, toss in BPD, and I am not sure what to expect; so I am curious to hear what others are saying.

[Jetta]

So far mine is the same.

He's right now in the bedroom, pouting, because I insisted we make dinner together. I expect to get the silent treatment for the rest of tonight and probably tomorrow.

He seems to think that because I'm working at home, I'm sitting here all rested up by the time he gets home from the office. In fact, it's worse because it's not the same computer/desk set up I have at work, and the ergonomics are less than ideal. I told him, I worked all day too, I'm tired, too, and if he wants dinner he's gonna have to help cook it.

This was probably the first time, since mid-March, where we were going to cook a legit meal. So far it's been a patchwork of ordering-in, leftovers, and easy stuff like spaghetti, because he's too tired to cook and keeps trying to push it all onto me. Tonight instead of saying 'let's order in, then', he decided to lob the brats across the kitchen and storm into the bedroom because I told him I wasn't going to cook a full-on dinner by myself.

[Jetta]

The quarantine is forcing family members to spend more time together. 

My husband is still going into the office, like normal. He doesn't want to work at home, saying there's nowhere to sit and work all day and nobody else is in his office anyway.

On the one hand, we could get creative and move some stuff around so he'd have a do-able set-up. But on the other hand, I don't think my mental health couldn't handle being with him 24/7 so I didn't offer up the suggestion that we get creative.

Plus, there's the thing where any idea I have is immediately shot-down as utterly stupid, so even if I suggested how we could re-arrange and re-purpose, he'd dismiss it even if it was good, simply because I posed it and I don't have the energy to fight that battle and try to convince him.

[formflier]

I'm really enjoying the time with my wife.  Yes from time to time she tosses out "bait", but I ignore it and the weird moment passes.

We've kinda settled into a new family routine.

Best to everyone...stay safe.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

We are both at our best, giving each other a lot of slack. Certainly it’s a stressful time, but we are allowing ourselves to feel overwhelmed and unsettled, but not overly indulging in that. Getting plenty of sleep and being outdoors in fresh air helps.

[AskingWhy]

My uBPD H is working from home with a company computer.  This allows him to micromanage my every move and check to see if I am providing him with usable work.  He thinks he is my supervisor.  I can still barely get out of bed due to depression.  If the chores are not done on his timetable, he leaves his den (where he is working) and starts on the chores like vacuuming, laundry and dishes.  Then he snarls and says how worthless I am to him that he had to do "my" work for me, and he lost time from his tele commute job.  

What a jerk.  I would enter his den and ask if he wanted lunch, or wanted to comment about the news, and H would snarl that he is working and can't make small talk.  Then, of course, within an hour he is Skyping with his D and grandchildren in the middle of the day. laughing with the children and making faces for the baby, an ear to ear smile on his face.  When that is done, H is back to sulking and brooding, giving me disapproval and saying how worthless I am to him.  H is very high functioning with many uNPD feartures. 

I am so glad I no long rely on his moods for my self worth.  I now see he is a pathetic, frightened child who grew up with an a$$ for a father with a co dependent mother.  Poor, pathetic man.

A real case of anosognosia.  He is alway pointing at me and how crazy he thinks I am.  

https://www.webmd.com/schizophrenia/what-is-anosognosia#1

[formflier]

Why not thank him for the work (chores) and ignore the nonsense he says?

Best,

FF

[AskingWhy]

Why not thank him for the work (chores) and ignore the nonsense he says?

Best,

FF

uBPD H is having a hard time coping with his adult D's drug habit that landed her in hospital.  He agreed to "help her" with medical copays (surely in the thousands) and has agreed to pay at least $1000 for her initial rehab visits.

It's hard to ignore a H screaming at you so close the spit hits your face.  He was inches from my face.  Shades of, "Full Metal Jacket."  Then he slammed a kitchen knife a good 1 cm into a wooden cutting board, screaming at me.  I was in my rights to voice my concern about how much money this adult D was sucking from her F.

She is 30, booted out of the military after one year of active service.  There was a suicide attempt and we don't know about the truth of what happened, but she did move in immediately after discharge with a man who was a military instructor.  Needless to say, she got no benefits. Some sort of mis conduct comes to mind.  I personally think she is BPD herself.   Substance abuse and the whole lot.

If "nonsense" includes stabbing a cutting board with a knife and screaming at one's W, then that's hard to ignore.

Within two hours, he was watching the television and seemed to forget the incident.  BPD written all over it.

[formflier]

Why not remove your face from where his mouth is?

Seriously...I get it he shouldn't have brought it that close to you...but he did.  This is the kind of situation where your long term habit of "hitting back" or "setting him straight" can push an explosive situation over the edge...very very quickly.   

Please focus on you directly addressing your depression symptoms, thank you husband for the good he is doing and ignore/walk away from the rest.

I realize that won't seem "fair"...it isn't.  Trying to be "fair" or make sure he "gets what he deserves" is not going to be helpful, in fact it's likely to be hurtful (to one or both of you)

Best,

FF

[DisheartenedGuy]

It is making my gf worse. She is convinced she has covid, and that the hospitals keep doing the tests wrong.  She stays on facebook all day and keeps updating me on who died, telling me how i need to be more careful. We keep arguing about the severity of it. The truth is, i wash my hands, i use sanitizer, but im not going to let fear consume me. I stay off facebook. 

Covid is a convenient way to serve a buffet of BPD drama and chaos and victimhood to her on a platter. She feeds off the news and the fear.

The contradictions drive me nuts. She puts herself in danger constantly with drinking and driving, very dangerous sex, overdosing on pills, refusing to get a job, yet she wants to lecture me on how to be responsible? It infuriates me.

[Trobert]

Now that my wife is experiencing more stress due to work and to her studies along with COVID-19, her anger side is surfacing. Since I don't clean to her standards and since I have underlying medical issues, I have offered to cut veggies and anything else in the kitchen. But, according to her standards, I am not good enough. In fact, I never have been good enough, not making enough money, telling me I chose the wrong profession, etc., etc., etc., well, you get the idea.

Once this COVID-19, I am going to look into my options.

[formflier]

Why not look into them now?

Most people seem to have more time on their hands.  Does that apply to you?

Best,

FF

[Trobert]

Okay. That sounds good. Thank you!