Cold Turkey -- Did it make your life better?

[DisheartenedGuy]

I am very close to being able to cut ties cold turkey with my gf (we are more like friends with benefits, but I love her and have known her 15 years). I wanted to hear from people who were able to manage a cold turkey end. If any of you are here, can you tell me, did it improve your life once you got past the shock and sadness and guilt? How soon did you get over the guilt? Do any of you regret doing it?

[once removed]

I am very close to being able to cut ties cold turkey with my gf

ive used cold turkey to quit cigarettes a few times.

i dont know if id look at this in the same way.

what does cold turkey look like to you, in this context? do you mean a hard and sudden cut off of communication, no warning, never look back? do you mean you are going to let her know its over, and then no further communication? do you mean she has left and you are giving up the pursuit (thats what it meant for me)?

think it through. there is a high rate of failure in trying to detach, and the plan (or lack of one) has a lot to do with success or failure.

[JNChell]

Why are you wanting to break up with your gf? What happened? You hope for change, but you’re not optimistic about that for her.

[Whit Huntington]

After 2 years  with 2 intermittent breakups, I quit cold turkey.  Something he typed  me in a text  was so  extremely hypocritical and painful that something in my head just clicked,  and after aa few  more unanswered texts I  said  "Okay, I tried  my  best.   I hope you won't speak ill of me, I don't deserve it."  That was a meaningful statement because I'd often used the word "deserve" with him, telling him he deserved the life his pain had taken from him.

What  is necessary, I'm afraid, is to block her.  ALL phone, email and social media.  Also, block all of her "harem" or "entourage," her enablers. 

If people suggest that blocking is not necessary I understand, but to me it is absolutely indispensable.  You must stop being able to potentially receive contact, to potentially respond, to potentially reach out, to react in any way.  They are sneaky, even their harem members will suddenly have public profiles after years of having private ones, and you must let go of your own control.   You've been  abused, you need to choose yourself over anyone else, and part of that means to take the decision of contact away from yourself.

You are a person.  You are more than someone else's collateral damage.  I went cold turkey 3  months ago, best thing ever for me (there will be relapses, you will survive them and then bee grateful again).  Quarantine might be the ideal time to do this.  And keep direct evidence of her abusive treatment of you ready to reference at any time.  Good luck.

[JNChell]

First off, I’m very sorry for assuming a gender role. Please let me read through your words and respond more appropriately.

[JNChell]

I’m confused. Are you leaving a man or a woman? Where does your heartbreak lay?

[PeteWitsend]

I am very close to being able to cut ties cold turkey with my gf (we are more like friends with benefits, but I love her and have known her 15 years). I wanted to hear from people who were able to manage a cold turkey end. If any of you are here, can you tell me, did it improve your life once you got past the shock and sadness and guilt? How soon did you get over the guilt? Do any of you regret doing it?

Well, it hasn't been possible for me to go cold turkey with my BPDxw (since we have kids together), but I've limited communications with her to factual matters related to the kids; when she's reached out with personal issues, or tried to drag me into fights and arguments, I simply don't respond.

The advice I received was to only respond to factual matters as necessary, and "ignore the editorials."  For example:

She says: "You better be here on time today to pick up the kids, and not late like you always are."  

Instead of arguing with her about whether I'm "always late," I simply respond: "I will be there at 6 PM to pick up the kids."

There is absolutely no point in arguing whether I am late or not; there's no judge or jury here, and it has no bearing on anything.  I'm going to get my kids at 6 pm, regardless.  So, that's as close to "cold turkey" as I can get.  I don't as a general rule maintain contact with old girlfriends, and they don't contact me.  So maybe it's easier for me to go "cold turkey?"  I dunno.    

Last year, I went cold turkey with a woman who was an old flame of mine (briefly) in the months before I met my XW.  To summarize: I saw this old flame again while visiting friends in another city, and we made plans for her to visit me in return, but as the date of her visit got closer, she kept picking fights over things that never quite added up, and her behavior was dodgy.  We agreed to call it off.  

I realized in her behavior there were a lot of things that seemed to be   for BPD, and I learned that she had grown up in an abusive household and had a lot of family issues.  No thanks!  I blocked her in every medium she could possibly reach me on, and never looked back.  It was satisfying.  And it prevented her from calling me, and trying to recycle, and argue that she only did or said "X" because I did "Y," and we should try again... like I remember she did the first time it didn't work out, years ago.  No point in going around in circles with a pwBPD... life's too short!

I don't understand why in this day and age - with online dating apps making it so easy to meet new poeple - that anyone would pine after an ex.  Just go date other people!  (after COVID-19 is over...) If it doesn't work out, move on.  If you're lonely one weekend, just remind yourself if it's only temporary and control the urge to text your ex, and see how he or she or they are doing.