Spouse extremely stressed about COVID-19

[VeggieLover]

Anyone else dealing with a spouse/partner who was in the middle of a splitting cycle, then the COVID-19 situation hit and they have taken a turn for even worse because of that? My husband stopped going to therapy in February, and refuses to reach out for support now. He is alternating between laying on the sofa sobbing and becoming extremely angry. I've never seen him like this in the 11 years I've known him. When he does try and verbalize his fears to me regarding the virus, I've tried to stay calm and reassuring. But then he becomes angry and says I'm treating him like a child? Any tips on how I could help him, without getting sucked into this stormy vortex going on in his mind? The borderline personality traits was a new diagnosis for him, which is part of the reason he doesn't want to continue therapy. I'm still going to the therapist myself, but am just starting to learn more about the disorder, so I'm struggling with finding any sort of balance with him at home right now. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

The borderline personality traits was a new diagnosis for him, which is part of the reason he doesn't want to continue therapy.

this is a huge, uplifting thing for him. a diagnosis is life changing. it is the start of a rocky road.

take a highly sensitive person, throw them in the middle of a pandemic that even the best of us are struggling with, struggling with all of that, and his collapse might be expected.

I'm struggling with finding any sort of balance with him at home right now. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!

lets start here:

When he does try and verbalize his fears to me regarding the virus, I've tried to stay calm and reassuring. But then he becomes angry and says I'm treating him like a child? Any tips on how I could help him, without getting sucked into this stormy vortex going on in his mind?

tell us more about the back and forth, what you say, what he says. we can help you walk this through.

[VeggieLover]

I'm so sorry for my slow response here! I work in social services so life has gotten a bit crazy the last month or so. Typically when he has moments where he starts crying from the stress, I just sit down with him and say something along the lines of I can see he's having a hard time, and what can I do to help? Usually he'll reply that he's angry about the changes in his work routine, that he feels that it's all a government ploy (he's into conspiracy theories) and that he really resents the recommendations in regards to keeping space between people, wearing masks, etc. At that point, I try and acknowledge his feelings and share that he's not alone in his emotions about all of it. I think where I'm going wrong is I try to share with him some things or resources that have been helpful to me or my clients? It seems like any suggestions, no matter how carefully I word them, that I make to cope with all the changes come across to him as me declaring him 'weak' or incompetent somehow? That's when he frequently storms off. I've tried just listening and affirming, and not offering any thoughts on ways of coping, but then he becomes angry that I'm not offering help or support?

[once removed]

sounds like youre doing a pretty good job!

remember, there are lots of "dos and donts", but, ultimately, there isnt necessarily any one way to make someone, anyone feel better.

It seems like any suggestions, no matter how carefully I word them, that I make to cope with all the changes come across to him as me declaring him 'weak' or incompetent somehow?

thats a clue. its hard to say why, specifically, but it sounds like thats a sore spot.

then he becomes angry that I'm not offering help or support?

i would ask if youve tried asking, flat out "what can i do to support you". you probably have, but if not, its worth a shot.

i think a key thing to remember here is that a spouses responsibility (at least as i see it) is to listen. to offer support. but not necessarily to fix the problem.

[VeggieLover]

Great suggestions! Thank you SO much  He had another round of feeling very stressed about the new 'Stay at Home' order extension that came out on Friday here. I just listened, then asked him if it would be best to just quietly sit with him or if he wanted me to tell him some things that my clients have shared that helped them get through this. Giving him a choice seemed to help. He still was very stressed, but at least I didn't add to it and he didn't become angry at me this time!

[once removed]

this stuff is trial and error.

there are a lot of general dos and donts, but so much depends on you, your partner, and your relationship.

dont assume the same thing will "work" every time.