My daughter in law shows all the signs of BPD and I am worried for my son and gd

[SALTIM]

 
My dil has displayed several concerning outbursts in front of me and my husband ...supposedly aimed at our ds misgivings.
However, the rants are disordered and paranoid and what concerns me is that she has lost total control of her emotions during these episodes and therefore if I had not been present to take the child to a safe place, I fear she would be harmed.
When she has calmed down, we have in the past discussed my concerns for her mental state but this has led to a paranoid verbal explosion aimed at me with the context that I am plotting to take her child away. She has informed my ds that she would consider reconciliation with me "once I apologise". Therefore we are at stale mate. Due to the current Covid 19 lock down,  everything is on pause and I keep an eye on my ds and gd via facetime when my dil is not around. They seem fine but I can see his anxiety and it makes me so sad ...and tips on a way forward are welcome

[Methuen]

Sorry I have to ask...is ds dear/diagnosed/divorced son?

This is sounding worrisome.

When she has calmed down, we have in the past discussed my concerns for her mental state but this has led to a paranoid verbal explosion aimed at me with the context that I am plotting to take her child away.

I am not surprised by this.  She sounds like she's struggling with some issues all right.  So the conversation you tried to have with her is one we could have with a "healthy" person who is in a crisis period, if we are trying to help them.  But it has very little to no chance of being successful with someone with a personality disorder.  In fact, if BPD is involved, they will twist and manipulate and turn it on you so that you become the problem, which is what happened here.  Now she is accusing you of plotting to take the child away, which could be a "fear of abandonment" (the child leaving her), or even a feeling that she is not worthy of mothering the child. A pwBPD will always project those fears onto someone else and blame the other person.  It's complicated.

Are you aware if there is a diagnosis, or not?  You are on this site, so I am guessing there is a history that has brought you here...?

Instead of having a rational conversation with her (the one you tried to have) like we could do with a "non", try using SET:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.msg1399587#msg1399587 (support empathy truth)
...and validation:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

With SET and validation, her emotions should become more regulated, which means she will feel understood, instead of under attack.  (I realize you weren't attacking her, but the pwBPD has a disorder and will perceive things differently, which is why they turn around and accuse and attack us in defense).
 
Apart from these "emotional crises", do you think she can provide nurturing for the child at other times?

How old is the child?

She has informed my ds that she would consider reconciliation with me "once I apologise".

uhuh.  She sounds like she is using "power" here to twist or manipulate the situation to have her needs met...does that sound about right? 

They seem fine but I can see his anxiety and it makes me so sad

Do you live near your son, or is distance an issue?  I only ask because I'm wondering if your son has ever made even slight suggestions that "all is not well" on the home front?  Sometimes it's harder to talk about these things over FT.

[SALTIM]

Thank you so much for your reply and the very useful links

By ds I meant ...dear son and my granddaughter is almost 18 months old
There is no formal diagnosis but I am aware of a very traumatic childhood right through her teens and into adulthood. She has never had a positive father figure and the relationship with her own mother is based on guilt (from her mother) due to the DV she exposed her daughter too.
She does provide nurture and clearly loves her daughter too but I am aware that she has heightened anxieties which prevent her from fully enjoying the experience.
My son lives 20 mins drive away and has expressed several times that all is not well ...however, he is trying to manage the situation so ...walks on egg shells ...to prevent an outburst. My dil is definitely using power and everything you mention about her reaction towards my comments / concern is so evident.
Currently, I can see no way forward. My ds seems to believe the situation is manageable at the moment and does not appear to have connected that this is likely due to the lock down and the lack of triggers. He cannot see that he only calls or facetimes when she is not around as he is too focused on appeasing her.
I desperately need to talk to him to help him too see what is happening and help him communicate more effectively but she orchestrates ways him not being alone for long enough. I guess after the lock down it may become easier so I will focus on research to understand the pwBPD better ready to offer support in the right way.

[Methuen]

Currently, I can see no way forward... I guess after the lock down it may become easier so I will focus on research to understand the pwBPD better ready to offer support in the right way.

This is a really good plan.  Since he has expressed to you that all is not well, perhaps the best you can do for now is to keep that line of communication open, and let him know that you are available if he ever needs support or a safe place for the child.

This site has an amazing amount of information, research, lessons, conversations...there is so much that I have learned.  I've been here 8 months, and I feel like I'm still just at the tip of the iceberg.

We are here if you have thoughts, questions, concerns, fears, or ever just need to vent.