Responsibility and the stepchild issue

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

H tends to dysregulates or at least get a bit worked up when he feels stress or pressure (not unusual for most people, really).

But, I sometimes feel at a loss.

Here’s the newest crisis: childcare. The summer daycare program SS9 attends is not opening this summer. H’s Ex is a high-ranking attorney in her company but, according to H, she told him she doesn’t qualify for FMLA and her superiors have told her they’re not making concessions.

As a boss, H has more flexibility at his job. But he also is getting a new boss in July. He could take FMLA, but pay would be less than what he makes. He has enough time off to take off for the summer but he’d eat up all sick/vacation leave and might be told they don’t need him anymore.

According to H, Ex said that I married into this so I (and my parents — who work and live an hour away — hers are retired, live in town, and keep him all the time) should have to pitch in. H rants that Ex puts work first and won’t compromise.

The way I see it, her weeks are her responsibility. She and we can hire babysitters (plenty of our-of-work daycare people) for the summer. Or we work out a work from home compromise schedule or something.

Parents across the country are in this position, really.

No one should have to put their job in jeopardy when we have resources. But to him, that’s me putting jobs before family.

He’s going to extremes, though. I don’t think him taking off for the summer and sitting at home is a good idea emotionally, psychologically or financially. But he’s acting the martyr now. Going by experience I’m sure he won’t do anything stupid and it will all work out.

But it’s related to a bigger problem: my relationship with SS. He’s hypersensitive — projection, I feel. He’s been rejected twice by his bio parents and wants to make sure SS never has to feel that.

But I just don’t feel like SS is my full responsibility. Will I help? Yes. Will I help care for him? Yes. But do I love him as my own? No. Is he the first person I think about in any situation? No.

Any attempt I’ve made to discuss step parenting, my feelings and my role ends with him getting passive-aggressive and laying on a guilt trip.

For instance: we’re talking about moving. In discussing what I’d want in a house, I didn’t mention a good flat yard for SS to play in. To H, that leads to “We just have different priorities. I care about him and what he needs. I know you don’t. You’re going to think about yourself first. That’s fine. I get it. I’m the only one who puts him first.”

Aggravating.

[Ozzie101]

H tends to dysregulates or at least get a bit worked up when he feels stress or pressure (not unusual for most people, really).

But, I sometimes feel at a loss.

Here’s the newest crisis: childcare. The summer daycare program SS9 attends is not opening this summer. H’s Ex is a high-ranking attorney in her company but, according to H, she told him she doesn’t qualify for FMLA and her superiors have told her they’re not making concessions.

As a boss, H has more flexibility at his job. But he also is getting a new boss in July. He could take FMLA, but pay would be less than what he makes. He has enough time off to take off for the summer but he’d eat up all sick/vacation leave and might be told they don’t need him anymore.

According to H, Ex said that I married into this so I (and my parents — who work and live an hour away — hers are retired, live in town, and keep him all the time) should have to pitch in. H rants that Ex puts work first and won’t compromise.

The way I see it, her weeks are her responsibility. She and we can hire babysitters (plenty of our-of-work daycare people) for the summer. Or we work out a work from home compromise schedule or something.

Parents across the country are in this position, really.

No one should have to put their job in jeopardy when we have resources. But to him, that’s me putting jobs before family.

He’s going to extremes, though. I don’t think him taking off for the summer and sitting at home is a good idea emotionally, psychologically or financially. But he’s acting the martyr now. Going by experience I’m sure he won’t do anything stupid and it will all work out.

But it’s related to a bigger problem: my relationship with SS. He’s hypersensitive — projection, I feel. He’s been rejected twice by his bio parents and wants to make sure SS never has to feel that.

But I just don’t feel like SS is my full responsibility. Will I help? Yes. Will I help care for him? Yes. But do I love him as my own? No. Is he the first person I think about in any situation? No.

Any attempt I’ve made to discuss step parenting, my feelings and my role ends with him getting passive-aggressive and laying on a guilt trip.

For instance: we’re talking about moving. In discussing what I’d want in a house, I didn’t mention a good flat yard for SS to play in. To H, that leads to “We just have different priorities. I care about him and what he needs. I know you don’t. You’re going to think about yourself first. That’s fine. I get it. I’m the only one who puts him first.”

Aggravating.

[Cat Familiar]

Ugh! I dated a man with partial custody of his daughter prior to marrying my current husband. He assumed that I was as interested in his daughter as he was.

He overindulged her and didn’t discipline her when she would act out inappropriately, in public or at home. Anything she wanted, she got.

It seemed like a very unhealthy way to compensate for the divorce, which wasn’t his choice. Years later, she had all sorts of problems—was suicidal, became morbidly obese, etc.

I ran into him in town after not seeing him for years and he confessed that he wished that he would have listened to what I was saying about giving her limits.

Anyway, I sympathize. I felt helpless as far as enacting discipline and I became a scapegoat for even mentioning things like a healthy breakfast is not a pastry and hot chocolate.

I didn’t live with him fortunately and his daughter was rather aloof to me, though her best friend thought I was great.

That you are married, you do help with your SS, but that doesn’t mean you are obligated to love him as if he were your own child, or make sacrifices in your career when his bio parents are unwilling to do so themselves.

[GaGrl]

Cat's last sentence is key. The child has two parents with equal responsibility and a need to work around their careers (which do, after all, pay the bills). If they can't sit down and work out a fairly short-termbsolution, it's not your responsibility to step in as part of the solution. You have just started your new position, and you don't have flexibility there.

A care-giver situation should not be a difficult situation to set up. My bigger concern would be making sure he was in a situation that stimulates him and keeps him physically active. Otherwise, your evenings are going to be difficult.I

[formflier]

Is there anyway you could "embrace" this and essentially say that since she can't care for the child that you guys "get" those weeks?

Here is the thing.  Either you let her "keep" the weeks and there is really no reason to communicate with her...she can figure out her weeks.

or...

You guys can take the child of her hands and enjoy the extra time with SS. 

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

I really don’t think anyone needs to sacrifice or endanger their career. There are options and they ought to be able to work something out — which is what I suspect will happen.

There are a couple of problems to us having SS the whole summer:
1) It would require H, me or both to either take a lot of time off or create a work from home scenario for three months. No guarantee my office will allow it. And with a new boss, it’s not wise for H to take all his vacation at once right as the new boss comes in. H could possibly take SS to work with him. Maybe.

2) Extended time with SS drives H nuts. By the end of our week, H is ready for him to go back. I think guilt over not fully loving fatherhood (he’s told me more than once that parenthood was Ex’s idea and, if he had to do it over, he wouldn’t) is behind some of his projection and attitude.

[formflier]

So...then you guys will keep the child on your scheduled time and wish his ex the best..right?

Does he often get drawn into her issues?

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

That’s what I think. Will H agree? Possibly. But he also tries to avoid drama with her. And when it’s a question of SS, he’s quick to give up whatever he thinks he needs to — then complains about it and plays the martyr. He complains that she expects him to always drop everything but then he’s never given her reason to expect otherwise.

She doesn’t have a lot of issues that I’ve noticed. But she does have a tendency to try to shirk responsibility regarding SS and push it onto H or her parents. Then H gets resentful.

[GaGrl]

So what's the problem with arranging bi-weekly childcare?

[Ozzie101]

No clue. I’m not in on the conversations. I suspect they’ll work something out. According to H she’s made several comments (not just now but other times) about how H’s hours and schedule are more flexible — wouldn’t it be easier for him to just deal with it rather than trying to find a nanny/open daycare/day camp?

I really don’t see this as an unsolvable problem. They just need to work together. They usually manage that ok. But H feels put upon. And also likes playing the “I’m the only one who cares about my child” martyr.

[formflier]

OK...are you just wanting to chat about the situation and get "the principles involved" correct?

Are you wanting to perhaps get some strategies for coaching your husband for a better outcome (more boundaries based)?

Are you wanting to help solve the issue between the two of them?

Once this is clear in your mind, it's likely time to clarify your role with your hubby.  Note you do have a role to play because this child is coming in and out of your home and this obviously affecting your hubby.

How is child care handled on "your" weeks?

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

On first thought, I’d like to be able to help coach H on getting a positive outcome because he usually wants my input. I don’t really want to insert myself in the middle of the two of them because, ultimately, they need to work together. I can’t and won’t steer this boat.

I’ll think more about your question there.

I’m aware I do have a role to play. Absolutely. This affects me, him, us. Where we both struggle is — what’s my role?

I’m very conscious of not over-stepping my role. SS is kind of distant with me so I don’t push. It honestly seems like both of them get overwhelmed and frustrated or overreact. She frequently tries to push things onto us. And they’re both guilty of ignoring things and giving in to him on things to avoid annoyance/difficulty/upsetting him. Our first married summer, she and H had it out because SS threw a fit about swim lessons and she just decided not to make him go when he was with her. But I’ve seen H do similar.

I advise H when he wants it and speak up if I see a problem but stay out of it. Same time, it frustrates and even saddens me sometimes because they not doing SS any favors with the way they handle him sometimes. And, actually, they both seem to have more of a “who has to have him” attitude.

SS’s childcare has always been consistent between the two houses. Same school aftercare. Same summer program.

[formflier]

SS’s childcare has always been consistent between the two houses. Same school aftercare. Same summer program.

Oh..so this program not being available affects both of you guys. 

And the reason they are talking is trying to find a "consistent" solution that crosses all of your weeks, vice just solving the ex's time?  (if so...this is starting to make a lot more sense now)

Do I have this right?

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

Right. It affects everyone. And, yeah, a consistent plan is what’s preferred. But, ultimately, each person’s week is their responsibility.

H is much calmer today. Much more open to “yeah, there are options.”

She just had a tendency to want/expect H to take over and handle things and make her life easier — and H will do it because, by his own admission, he feels it makes him look like the better parent.

Last summer she signed SS up for a day camp on one of her weeks. A week before, she realized drop off and pick up were later and earlier than day care. She wanted us to take SS for the week so she would have to adjust. She also had bought tickets for a WWE thing and offered for H to buy them from her and take SS instead on that week. H (who would rather chew glass than watch wrestling) told her no. She managed.

[formflier]

Uh oh.  Don't tell me your hubby is one of those people that "doubts" that wrestling is "real"?   

I grew up with mid-atlantic wresting 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wahoo_McDaniel

He was my favorite.   

Anyway...

I think that you might be better off directly asking your hubby how you can help.  Sounding board?  Actively looking for solutions?  Be part of the solution?  etc etc

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

Good plan. In a calm time, I can ask.

And, yeah. Wrestling? Nope. Not happening. 

[AskingWhy]

Spouses with BPD often have family members with BPD as well.  My uBPD H's adult children (all around 30) are in the BPD and BPD spectrum.  One D is a mother of young children, obese, and abuses her codependent H, who tiptoes around her to make her happy; the S dropped out of college and quickly abused drugs and alcohol, winding up on the street as a homeless person; another D was kicked out of the military after a suicide attempt, but not before having an affair with one of her military training instructors.  The latter D recently quit a good job, and we found out she is addicted to drugs.

That said, your spouse's child is not your problem.  It's not your concern.  Divorced fathers are notorious for having been castrated by their X Ws out of guilt. Often the guilt is unwarranted.  In the case of my H's X W (likely uNPD), she found a lover while her was overseas in the military, then filed for divorce to marry her new lover.  This even happens when the children are adults.  In turn, the adult children see just how over valued they are, and will abuse their fathers to get what they want.

You may care about the SS, and even love him, but he is not your responsibility.  I worked from home, so I cared for my H's children when he had custody.  In the end, they were rude and thankless.  Now adults, they have all made messes of their lives.