Keeping myself in check...bad and wrong feelings.

[JNChell]

My parents abused me in every way possible other than sexually. They beat the hell out of me and emotionally abused me. My dad pointed a loaded pistol at me, screaming that he wanted to kill me. He also put a pistol in his mouth and I thought he was going to shoot himself in front of me. One time when he was raging, he tried to make me take the same pistol while telling me that I’d be doing everyone a favor if I shot myself in the head.

My mother was a very violent woman. She couldn’t control herself, and at times my dad would have to pull her off of me. She would beat the hell out of me. All over my body with a piece of wood. I remember her shrill screaming while she was hitting me. It was terrifying. I thought I was being killed. I think that I was in a sense.

It was so hidden. Nobody knew. I tried to drop hints at school, but it was never noticed. Those assholes died in 2010. My sis still doesn’t get it. My mom was really good to her. My sister is a psychologist and I’m very close to calling her out and asking her how she can have these feelings for someone that brutalized and tortured a child.

My adoptive parents were monsters. I’ve been having feelings that I wish a man would size me up and pick a fight. I once fantasized about beating my dad up. He became too feeble. I know that these thoughts aren’t healthy or right. That’s why I’m bringing them here instead of outside. I was raised in violence and terror. I possess a rage that will always be in me. I don’t want to hurt anyone. That’s not me. The rage is something different. When I was in high school and played football, I had an outlet. I could take out my aggression within a set of rules and not be punished for inflicting as much punishment as possible on my opponent. I was a teenager, and had no knowledge. I was still living with those sick people. It’s this anger that I just can’t shake. I want someone to test me. This is wrong and very unhealthy. It would bring nothing but trouble, but it’s a lingering feeling.

[l8kgrl]

JNChell, reading this makes me really sad. No one should go through this. You know you didn't deserve this, right? I mean, you know it, but I mean really know it.

I think it's interesting that your post is titled "bad and wrong feelings." And you say that your thoughts aren't "healthy or right." But...are your feelings really bad or wrong? They seem pretty natural to me, given what was done to you.

Do you want to continue to live with these feelings? Of course not. No one would. Because they feel awful to you. But that's different than saying they're not "right." You know what I mean?

Do you give yourself compassion for having these feelings? Can you picture the little boy you were and how he was deserving of love and care instead of brutality? You have a lot of trauma to heal...beating yourself up for how you feel seems counter-productive.

I know this may not be the point of what you're getting at, but wanted to share this anyway...

[JNChell]

They’re acute feelings that I brought here. Thank you for shining some perspective on them.

Of course I know that I didn’t deserve that. No child deserves that crap. Maybe my feelings are in line. I don’t know. It’s this anger. I hope that I can someday figure out how to redirect the intense energy that is my anger. I have this in me. It doesn’t go away and it’s never healed. It’s in my makeup and something that has to be paid attention to and dealt with. It’s me.

I’ve not gotten to the point where I can look at myself as that little boy. I’m pretty closed off to that, I think. At least for now. It sounds pretty overwhelming. I’m not ready to field that yet.

I really appreciate your post.

[Methuen]

 JNChell this was a lot of trauma growing up, which no child should have to suffer.  I'm with kgirl in thinking that your feelings are your feelings, and anyone who experienced what you did (from both parents) is going to have stuff like you are experiencing.  However, your feelings aren't "bad".  They are what they are, and you are just trying to figure out how to lessen the intensity perhaps?

I know finding the right medication is a work in progress. In addition to that coping strategy, this stuck out for me:
 

When I was in high school and played football, I had an outlet.

So this says an outlet is helpful.  Outlets let us put negative energy in a positive place.  Can you think of an outlet you could start now?

This also stood out for me:

My sis still doesn’t get it. My mom was really good to her. My sister is a psychologist

Many people drawn to psychology and mental health have their own stuff to deal with.  You mention your sis still doesn't get it, and that your mom was really good to her.  My guess is that if your sis doesn't get it, it could be because she has buried her own stuff/trauma.  I just tried to imagine putting myself in your sis's shoes:  if I had witnessed you being abused (by seeing the hitting and bruising with my own eyes, or hearing the terrifying sounds of the yelling/words being said/wood hitting your skin), or smelling (blood, wood), I would have been traumatized by those sensory experiences, because you were my brother and I couldn't protect you.  Does that make sense?  Perhaps even worse, I would feel guilty for life, because I was spared from those things, and you suffered.  Why was I spared?  How do I deal with that?  Perhaps I carry that guilt and trauma with me everyday without acknowledging it.  With the FOO family history, I can't help thinking that something in that childhood experience drew your sis to psychology.  But if she can't support you as a sibling, I am curious as to what is preventing her from doing that?   Whatever it is, it must be big, and unresolved for her.  She would have suffered trauma too, but hers would be completely different than yours.  Perhaps she can't help you (even though she's a psychologist) because your trauma is just too close, she hasn't dealt with her own family trauma?  I'm just trying to put a completely different lens on it here.  Perhaps this new lens isn't helpful for you, and if that's the case, I apologise in advance.

I’m very close to calling her out and asking her how she can have these feelings for someone that brutalized and tortured a child.

Acknowledge your feelings about your sister, but as strong as they are, I think its important to resist them.  But I know you already know that.  If my half baked theory (above) is even partly accurate, calling her out would only deepen the divide and do more harm (because she has to deal with her own stuff before she can help you), but you already know that too.  Better to build bridges.  If that's not possible because your feelings are too strong, try to discover a healthy outlet.  If not football, can you think of something you could try these days?  

Hang in there

[l8kgrl]

I like Methuen's idea about finding another outlet...some other sort of intense physical exercise, maybe? Boxing? Running? You may already be doing some of this.

I hope that I can someday figure out how to redirect the intense energy that is my anger. I have this in me. It doesn’t go away and it’s never healed. It’s in my makeup and something that has to be paid attention to and dealt with. It’s me.

I hope this isn't intrusive - please tell me if it isn't helpful. I haven't gone through what you've been through so I can't pretend to know how it feels, but I just want to challenge a little bit this idea that "It doesn't go away and it's never healed...It's me."

You have carried this pain with you your whole life, so yes, it must feel like "you." And no, old wounds don't disappear, but that doesn't mean they can't scar over...it seems like you are in the middle of that process right now. It may be hard to know what's ahead. But maybe it's something new and beautiful?

I am reading the book "The Betrayal Bond" right now - have you read it? He talks about the process of healing from old trauma. He describes how the first stage often involves dealing with the immediate chaos in your life - addictions, unhealthy relationships, etc - and facing the truth about those. Sounds like you have done that.

That process can then open up a whole can of worms, because it forces us to start questioning the messed up stuff we learned as kids. It causes us to start breaking through old repression and denial, which brings up intense memories and emotional reactions. The author describes this as a process of grief. But one that can lead eventually past denial, fear, and anger, to acceptance and meaning.

All of this to say...maybe there is something for you beyond all this. You are not your anger. Your anger is real, and it's understandable, and it has probably protected you! But it's only a part of you, and perhaps over time the energy that that anger provides will help propel you to something better. I hope this doesn't sound too Pollyanna-ish.

You deserve to be able to reclaim your heart and your life from whatever happened to you in the past. Who you are is more than that.

What do you think? Is this at all helpful? If not, I'll gladly be quiet

[zachira]

I am sad that you were so brutally abused as a child. You are not alone in what you are feeling as many survivors of abuse feel like you do, even many years after the abuse has taken place and they are adults.

[JNChell]

Hi, Methuen. Yes, more than anything I would like the intensity to lessen. It’s not constant, but it can come on really strong. I’ve learned to simply sit with it, but that has gotten old. It’s very interesting to me how emotions can be so exhausting. There’s no physical labor, they’re thoughts and memories.

I agree that an outlet might be helpful. Working out and strength training is something that I was very into in my younger days. I’ve dabbled since then, but finding the motivation is harder as I age. I didn’t have this depression and anxiety when I was younger. I can only imagine that the trauma was repressed. Buried. Now that it’s at the surface, it feels like a real illness. I understand it and I accept it. It happened, and that can’t be changed.

My Sis is certainly battling her own demons. I think that she suffers from a great amount of guilt and maybe a bit of shame. I also agree that we’re too close to deal with our separate traumas together, and I’ve always tried to be mindful of that and understand that she has a code of ethics to uphold when it comes to her profession. There’s no doubt in my mind that she chose the mental health field because of her childhood/adolescence environment. She’s quite brilliant and I believe she’s found a very happy place in her life. I’m happy for her. I try to put myself in her shoes as well. Maybe I have a little bit of envy in me. I don’t really know at this point. I do know that I love and respect her and that I would go through everything all over again so she wouldn’t have to. You’re right, I need to consider her feelings and her trauma. Sometimes it’s easy to become self centered around my own stuff. I don’t like that about myself so I guess that aspect needs more of my attention.

[JNChell]

Hey there, I8kgrl. There is nothing intrusive about what you said. I’ve fielded worse. Perhaps you’re right. Maybe it’s just a matter of really searching myself and figuring out where to put those experiences. They’re not going to go away, but they disrupt my life. My hopes are to eventually manage this stuff to where it doesn’t disrupt my life anymore. A minor annoyance. Know what I mean?

I’ve not read that book, but I’m familiar with the title. I know that there is more beyond this crap. It’s just a matter of getting there. That’s why this community is so special and meaningful. I’ve not had a therapist that has helped me out as much as this place has.

Your post is very helpful and very much appreciated. Good stuff, thank you.

[JNChell]

Thanks for stopping by, zachira. Always glad to see you. You know, speaking frankly, it just doesn’t seem fair how this stuff shows up in a time our lives when we should be settling down. I guess that fairness really has nothing to do with it, it is what it is,  but I think you get what I’m saying.

[Methuen]

I need to consider her feelings and her trauma. Sometimes it’s easy to become self centered around my own stuff. I don’t like that about myself so I guess that aspect needs more of my attention.

Whoa there friend!  How exactly are you being self-centered?  Where is that coming from?      

I just wish to clarify I was not at all suggesting you consider her feelings or trauma.   Eek! No no no!   I was simply putting forward a theory as to why she might not "get it" in a way that shows more support for you her brother, after reading this:

My sister is a psychologist and I’m very close to calling her out and asking her how she can have these feelings for someone that brutalized and tortured a child.

Consider these quotes JNChell:

bad and wrong feelings

Sometimes it’s easy to become self centered around my own stuff. I don’t like that about myself

I have this in me. It doesn’t go away and it’s never healed. It’s in my makeup and something that has to be paid attention to and dealt with. It’s me.

Those seem like pretty powerful but negative self-judgements.  On this thread, three different people have already challenged the "bad/wrong feelings" belief, the "self-centered" comment, and the last "it's me" statement.  Where are those thoughts coming from?  We've challenged those thoughts, but now I'm going to put an idea out there that you challenge them too!  Those are strong judgemental statements you are writing about yourself.  How about rebuffing them with 3 different statements - 3 things you see as positive traits about yourself (no need to post them here).  And then stick them to your fridge or the bathroom mirror, and every time you become aware of a negative judgemental thought , go to your list on the fridge/bathroom mirror and replace that negative self-judgement with your positive beliefs about yourself.  Time to challenge your inner critic JNChell, and nurture the warmth and kindness which begins by being warm and kind to yourself!  That is not at all self-centered.  That is a path to healing.   What do you think?  Does that sound like it could be helpful?  If not, please tell me and I'll shush!

[JNChell]

Hey, Methuen. I’m sorry for misinterpreting what you shared. But, it is how I interpreted it. Ugh. That’s my lens.

I feel like I’m being self centered by having thoughts of calling my sister out. If I had really considered her feelings and put real thought into how she might be feeling, I would’ve never considered doing something like that.

When shown in print, black and white, yes, those are negative reflections of myself. I’ve never been shown in this way. I have been given the advice that you give, and I appreciate it. But I’m a man and it’s not easy to succumb to things like that. I’m trying to find avenues in which I can reparent myself. This part, I believe, is paramount, but I need the space to do it.

That inner critic is a hell of a thing. Very powerful. Also very sad because things like that are created within our first 4-7 years of life.

Your words are very helpful. Thank you.

[Cromwell]

Not jumping on the band wagon here, there is a mainstream bit of encouragement towards not labelling these feelings as wrong and I feel I see the underlying practical point in that. Yet im going to speculate here in the labelling effort itself and is there a benefit to doing it in the first place. You have these feelings JNChell, we all do - and from their origin as feelings there is a progression towards giving them some sort of judgement.

I’ve been having feelings that I wish a man would size me up and pick a fight. I once fantasized about beating my dad up. He became too feeble. I know that these thoughts aren’t healthy or right.

What id ask is, it is important to categorise a feeling such as this as "wrong" to have? It is just a feeling after all, same goes for fantasies. I have had similar, they are mine, they mean nothing unless I give them something. Neither bad or wrong or whatever judgement provided. It is our call and if you choose to label them wrong, or if you choose to just accept them with a degree of wonderment and nothing more, this is another option.

So many thoughts the average human has in a day, do we label each and every one of them? If not why, not, if there is an argument that some thoughts are more important than others - again - how is this itself determined without needing the prerequisite of the action of casting a judgement of it being worthy of more special attention from all the others.

Im saying that I agree with you that they are "wrong" by virtue of the fact they are yours, you have ownership and you declared them that way. As much as you can have a similar one and label it "ok" or "right" or whatever in future. I really believe in my own experience the thoughts themselves at their site of origin do not have power - the progress appears instantaneous at labelling them but regardless it is still something that can be slowed down and allowed to be left as "just is". ie, "there is another fantasy, oh and there is another thought, I wonder what the next will be"

[JNChell]

Yes, Cromwell. I wanted to judge my parents and punish them properly. I know how bad that sounds, but I wanted bloody knuckles. Fortunately, it didn’t work out like that.

No, I don’t think it’s wrong to categorize those feelings, but I think it’s very important to stay on top of them. I have to control myself when the feelings come up. I’m not a violent man, but it’s in me. I need to respect that, and watch over it.

People are people. They will have their arguments.

Look, we’ve had a lot of conversation. We relate. I will not continue this circular stuff. You are very intelligent, but it’s time to put your wordsmithing aside and finally open up. Tell this community who Cromwell is. Let us talk to you, and talk to us.

[JNChell]

Feelings and fantasies are just that, unless acted upon. I understand that well. Statistically speaking, I would’ve been incarcerated long ago if my impulse control was not there. I can identify the anger and rage for what it is, and know where it comes from. You’re right. It’s a decision to simply not act on it. You’re also very right in the fact that so many thoughts and emotions enter and leave the mind throughout a single day. It’s the ones that stay a little longer than the others. You know, we talk a lot about the arrested development of our people of interest here. Perhaps getting stuck in those thoughts to the point where it affects my day to day life is proof positive of my arrested development. Like part of me was frozen in time by experiencing terror at the hands of people that were supposed to protect and guide me. I understand that this sounds like I’m taking a victim stance, but it’s something that I’ve never really expressed before, that I think needs to be. I need to stop minimizing what was done to me, and truly see it and speak about it for what it was. It was terrifying and painful and nobody really knew. We were all living this double life together. It was my normal, and that hurts. No do-overs.

After my mom died, my dad tried to reach out to me. He started going in to how he was sorry, I wasn’t a bad kid, didn’t deserve the treatment. I cut him off right away because it wasn’t sincere. He was alone, helpless and grasping for whatever he could. He was a perpetual child that couldn’t care for himself. Mom did everything for him. EVERYTHING. It was no surprise that he passed 5 months later. He was a hypochondriac on top of his personality disorder. He was taking 44 pills per day. He had different doctors that were dosing him with the same high powered medications. He was out of his mind. He would eventually be found wandering around the gated community naked. Incoherent. He never grew up. He was unhealthily spoiled as a child, and his sister was neglected. His sister, my aunt, is one of the sweetest women I have ever met. I only visited with her a handful of times because my dad destroyed that family tie before I was in the picture.

I have a huge fear of this, which relates back to my arrested development. I have many good aspects, but I also suffer from severe trauma. I believe that my parents suffered from their own trauma and arrested development. I don’t think that anyone really means to do these things, aside from a psychopath or sociopath, I think it’s a constant pushback against a reality that for some reason, they can’t accept. It causes a ferocity. A dangerous and covert defense mechanism.