distance for healing from mother with BPD

[DaughterofBPD86]

Hello,

So happy to have found this site and praying that I can find some connection with others in the area. Through years of counseling, along with my my older brother and his counseling, we’ve discovered that it’s pretty certain that our mother has BPD. Her mother too had BPD. I’ve come to terms with it as I knew at a very young age that something was not right with my mother, though, I of course didn’t have a name or understanding of it. I just knew how she was treating me and handled her emotions was wrong and not “normal”. Flash forward to present days, years and years of pain and some healing, I am now 33, recently divorced (from an unhealthy dynamic that mimicked the mental games that I endured in the relationship with my mother. I would not say he has BOD but he is a very controlling person, and bc of my background just didn’t cultivate a healthy environment) I am in the most peaceful space I’ve been in probably my entire life this far. I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter who has helped me see even deeper the unhealthy patterns that were passed onto me and that I hadn’t realized also were in my marriage. I’ve made many changes since her birth, and they’ve all been focused on giving her a better foundation and understanding of love and relationship. I know damage has been done to me as it of course would being raised by a mother with BPD, which I daily am working on healing from and paving a different path. For her and also myself. I never ever felt safe and I my daily goal is for her to always feel loved and secure.
I personally do so much better when my mother is not involved in my life. There never has been a time like now where I’ve been able to have such distance with her and it feels very freeing. I’ve never cut her out and I respond to her texting but that’s about as far as I’m comfortable. All that to say, in time, I would like to be able to be in a space where I can be around her and not feel like I have to have a fortress around me and shut off my emotions. It’s a space and part of myself that I would love to never enter into ever again but it’s all I know for now on how to protect myself when engaging with her. The pattern in having a relationship with her is she will be nice, you‘re relieved and respond to the kindness, something erupts and she lashes out and causes pain, everyone goes in their shelters from the damage, she demands you apologize for your response to her attack, you do, she’s nice again, the cycle repeats. I no longer want to engage in any of this cycle. I know that where she is at she will never acknowledge this cycle and blame shifts everything or tells me I “choose to paint her in this light”.
My entire purpose of this post is, to seek what the most healthy thing to do is where I am at present day. For example, she has hurt me deeply throughout the hardest time during my divorce which really showed me how ill she is. There has been no resolution in any way from any of it and she’s now in the extending kindness part of the cycle. She wants to see my daughter which, I’m of course protective about more than anything. She’s asked if I’d want to go for a walk with her and my daughter which sounds innocent and likely would be fine, but as for me it forces me to ha e to go into the protective space I hate going into when being around her, and I dread encounters with her leading up to, during, and post interaction I’m completely drained. I don’t want to live a life avoiding this area bc reality I have to be around her,  it I also need time and space for healing and to feel more empowered. Any insight and guidance in this area of present day interactions would be appreciated beyond words!

[Josie2020]

The pattern in having a relationship with her is she will be nice, you‘re relieved and respond to the kindness, something erupts and she lashes out and causes pain, everyone goes in their shelters from the damage, she demands you apologize for your response to her attack, you do, she’s nice again, the cycle repeats.

If I could emphasize this statement, I would. But ! I have been going through the same thing with my Borderline mother. I am struggling with the same thing as well. The only way I can have peace in my life is by not getting to personal with her or holding back my emotions.

Some of the advice I got was to just accept that she won't change and to just treat it almost like a physical illness. For example, you wouldn't bring peanuts around someone with a peanut allergy, just like you wouldn't bring up anything that would make someone with BPD emotional or angry. That is pretty disappointing to me, tbh.

I have moved six hours away, and I actually wish it was further, but its better than being in the same city. and I've made sort of unknown boundaries by just keeping her out of my business, personal ;life and relationships. So far that has been the only strategy that has given me somewhat of a peaceful life, but I do feel I have to sacrifice my wants and needs at times and that's not fair, but that's where I am now.

I hate the feeling of walking on eggshells. Its like things could be going fine but you said the wrong thing or she usually takes something the wrong way or falsely accuses you of something you didnt even do. Now even when things are good, its not a good time because you're in fear of it going bad again. Its the absolute worst!

Anyways, I am looking for help with this topic as well. Is there any chance that in the future I can be myself or let loose around my own mother? Sounds like a pretty basic human need, but unfortunately it is not being met. Home should be a safe haven, where you can let go of all your problems and feel okay and loved unconditionally.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to give you any strategies about being able to not walk on eggshells around her for the rest of your life. However, I thought I would respond and let you know that you are not alone! People like me and many many others have this same problem. I am 28 and something that made me so ashamed was being my age and still having these problems. Well women in their fifties have responded to my posts and shared their insight and it made me feel much better. But we may be in similar stages of trying to figure out a way and salvage the relationship somehow. I think her "splitting" is what makes it so hard to let go. At this point I think that having a BPD mother will require some sacrifice, but it shouldn't require us having to let her control us as much as we do, to where we have to do and say things we don't want to, and put on acts just to not start fights or conflict.

If I come across more advice, research, I will let you know. Lately I have been reading a lot about communication. If you want to talk about that, I have a lot to say about it! I am also a medical student so I am good at explaining the neural/brain reasons for her actions. Tbh, knowing that its a disorder has made me relieved because it made me feel like she was less of a monster. she's more unhealthy than anything. Unfortunately though it has made me hold on and sometimes make excuses for her actions.

If you're a reader/audiobook person, these are helpful.

For validation:

Toxic parents
Surviving the borderline parent
Children of the self-absorbed

Validation/ideas/strategies: (Just started this one)

Walking on eggshells workbook


Also, something I've noticed lately is that sometimes I spend so much time focussing on her, instead of myself. If there is any hope for having a somewhat normal/ relaxed relationship with our BPD mom, we need to be confident and have high self esteem. I don't know about you, but living with a BPD parent and letting her control me for so long has definitely ruined my self confidence and self respect and have left me shameful. I have been reading a lot of self-help because of that!

Here are a few titles for that..

You are a badass by Jen sincero
the 6 pillars of self esteem
healing the shame that binds you

[kiwigal]

I so feel with you! I wrestle on an ongoing basis with the same question you've put here "All that to say, in time, I would like to be able to be in a space where I can be around her and not feel like I have to have a fortress around me and shut off my emotions."

I have come to realise that we can never let down our guard, which is as painful as it freeing. But I am wondering for you, what that pain feels like for you? What would it look like to be able to express your emotions? Sometimes I think we have to face the grief and pain of what we've lost, in order to reimagine our lives.

You are reimagining yours with so much freedom, health, insight, strength. Your daughter is so BLESSED to have you as a mother.

Hello,

So happy to have found this site and praying that I can find some connection with others in the area. Through years of counseling, along with my my older brother and his counseling, we’ve discovered that it’s pretty certain that our mother has BPD. Her mother too had BPD. I’ve come to terms with it as I knew at a very young age that something was not right with my mother, though, I of course didn’t have a name or understanding of it. I just knew how she was treating me and handled her emotions was wrong and not “normal”. Flash forward to present days, years and years of pain and some healing, I am now 33, recently divorced (from an unhealthy dynamic that mimicked the mental games that I endured in the relationship with my mother. I would not say he has BOD but he is a very controlling person, and bc of my background just didn’t cultivate a healthy environment) I am in the most peaceful space I’ve been in probably my entire life this far. I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter who has helped me see even deeper the unhealthy patterns that were passed onto me and that I hadn’t realized also were in my marriage. I’ve made many changes since her birth, and they’ve all been focused on giving her a better foundation and understanding of love and relationship. I know damage has been done to me as it of course would being raised by a mother with BPD, which I daily am working on healing from and paving a different path. For her and also myself. I never ever felt safe and I my daily goal is for her to always feel loved and secure.
I personally do so much better when my mother is not involved in my life. There never has been a time like now where I’ve been able to have such distance with her and it feels very freeing. I’ve never cut her out and I respond to her texting but that’s about as far as I’m comfortable. All that to say, in time, I would like to be able to be in a space where I can be around her and not feel like I have to have a fortress around me and shut off my emotions. It’s a space and part of myself that I would love to never enter into ever again but it’s all I know for now on how to protect myself when engaging with her. The pattern in having a relationship with her is she will be nice, you‘re relieved and respond to the kindness, something erupts and she lashes out and causes pain, everyone goes in their shelters from the damage, she demands you apologize for your response to her attack, you do, she’s nice again, the cycle repeats. I no longer want to engage in any of this cycle. I know that where she is at she will never acknowledge this cycle and blame shifts everything or tells me I “choose to paint her in this light”.
My entire purpose of this post is, to seek what the most healthy thing to do is where I am at present day. For example, she has hurt me deeply throughout the hardest time during my divorce which really showed me how ill she is. There has been no resolution in any way from any of it and she’s now in the extending kindness part of the cycle. She wants to see my daughter which, I’m of course protective about more than anything. She’s asked if I’d want to go for a walk with her and my daughter which sounds innocent and likely would be fine, but as for me it forces me to ha e to go into the protective space I hate going into when being around her, and I dread encounters with her leading up to, during, and post interaction I’m completely drained. I don’t want to live a life avoiding this area bc reality I have to be around her,  it I also need time and space for healing and to feel more empowered. Any insight and guidance in this area of present day interactions would be appreciated beyond words!