Need Support

[Redemption]

Hello All:
I've come to this site as a result of reading Mason and Kreger's book, stop walking on eggshells,  twice and many other books. My aim is to connect with others who have been impacted by BPD.
As a summary, I am separated from my wife of 37 years and a divorce is imminent. Do I hate her or not feel tremendous love for her? The answer is no. Can I not take the life I was living anymore? The answer is yes.
Early on in our courtship and marriage, she was incredibly influenced by her father, who was, after reading the book, obviously suffering from BPD. I conceded to all of his control over her, as I felt that was just what you do in a marriage. As time went on, I clearly recognized that there was something wrong with her. She didn't act normally and she was just different. Feeling that things would get better, I put up with it and became more entrenched in my concession mindset. As I tried to exert more independence, she would become very upset and initiate a non-speaking response. This was similar to what she had experienced with her father when she was a child. In order to alleviate the frustration I felt by her response, I would make apologies and do all I could to improve the situation. It seemed that I was doing this a lot. As time went on, I couldn't do enough to help keep the relationship calm and on the rails. I was also noticing that she was impulsive and getting her way almost all of the time. My favorite comment was, "whatever you want is fine with me." I now realize that it was just a way to keep a lid on the frustration.
As we continued in our lives, many things occurred that were the source of pain and hurt. When I knew that things were not happy, I would find a way to try and fulfill a void that seemed to exist in her life. Whatever I could do to satisfy her was what I did, regardless of my desires or choices for something different.
Due to personal illnesses I faced as a young child, I was not able to have children. This was determined early in our relationship. As a result, her father advised her that she could obtain an annulment of our marriage. I was not Catholic either, so I think it was a viable option for him to have his daughter pursue. After repeated and exhaustive attempts to find a solution to not having children, we engaged the services of a woman who would facilitate an adoption for us. The process took approximately 3 years before a child was identified for us. As we were on the verge of making arrangements for the date of adoption, she decided that she was no longer interested in being a parent. To say the least, this shocked me. We didn't discuss this - it was totally her position. I was left devastated and without a child. I knew I couldn't object. Plus, why would I try and talk her out of it? It could only be unfair to the child somewhere down the road.
Her parents were quite elderly. In fact, their ages were more reflective of grandparents than parents. Therefore, her upbringing was not contemporary and was with many restrictions. Additionally, her father suffered a mental health breakdown that caused him to receive an early pension from his employer. His wife was, in retrospect, similar to me; someone who just allowed him to do anything he wanted and was at his every beck and call. Only now do I recognize the pain and objectification she experienced.
Our lives progressed and I continued to exert some independence. Although, on each occasion, I was put in my place and left dismissed. I eventually lost interest in what I liked or wanted. I couldn't even say what I wanted on a pizza.
She eventually lost a job that she had for almost 20 years, due to downsizing and a negative impression she had left on a new supervisor. That appeared to take her to another level of disappointment and hurt. No matter what I did, I couldn't get her over the disgust of her lost employment.
Our lives continued to spiral downward, although she would never admit it or seek out professional help. When I suggested she consider therapy, she would never accept that she needed help.
In time she acquired new employment and was very successful. However, her commitment to the position greatly detracted from our relationship. In fact, I became a secondary person to her job and her achievements.
The marriage was falling apart and she didn't see it. I did, and I begged for her to change and take us more seriously. She didn't and I continued to struggle emotionally and physically. I then, at a very young age, was diagnosed with prostate cancer, depression and other mental health issues. My world was falling apart and I was suicidal. I felt it was all my fault. For almost 5 years I have been separated from her. There were efforts at reconciliation, however, each time it appeared as though I was receiving the same treatment. I just couldn't take anymore. I blamed myself and was diagnosed with severe shame issues. Her narrative has also caused her entire family (about 60 people) to totally disassociate from me. I've tried to stay connected with them, but they want nothing to do with me.
I'm at my wits end. I have a wonderful therapist who is helping me through this situation.
I'm looking for support and understanding. Can anyone offer an impression that will let me feel better about myself? She is undiagnosed but I am completely confident that she has BPD. My therapist, who is also a MD, agrees entirely. Your thoughts and experiences would be greatly appreciated!
Thank you!
 

[once removed]

hi Redemption, and

wow, talk about your nightmare inlaws!

im sorry to hear that its come to this. 37 years is a long time - older than i am. this will be a lot to grieve. we will be here for you throughout that process.

have you taken any steps in the divorce process?

[l8kgrl]

Hi Redemption,

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so sorry to hear all you have gone through. No one deserves so many years of pain. It sounds like you gave everything you possibly could to your marriage. I'm glad you have a good therapist helping you now.

Are you doing other things to be kind to yourself? Even if it's just little things like making a meal you like, getting enough sleep, watching some funny videos on YouTube.

Seems like many of us here have to work to learn, or re-learn, self-care and self-love. I hope you can begin to find some of that for yourself.

[Redemption]

Once removed and 18kgrl, thank you so much for your understanding and suggestions. They have been so validating for me. It is extremely difficult to care deeply for the healing to take place, but knowing that it never will. The losses are enormous and the disconnect from her family took my children (lived vicariously through relatives of hers) from me. I am starting over with a new partner who is wonderful. Although she also is impacted by a BPD son, who blames me for her challenges with her ex-husband, I know we can overcome the bad days and move on to much brighter lives. We support each other in our struggles to find the happy places that will free us of the pain.

[once removed]

I am starting over with a new partner who is wonderful. Although she also is impacted by a BPD son, who blames me for her challenges with her ex-husband, I know we can overcome the bad days and move on to much brighter lives. We support each other in our struggles to find the happy places that will free us of the pain.

how long have the two of you been together?

have you grieved the relationship you are separated from?

[TheWire]

Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you've been through some horrible times and have lost so much, I truly hope you can build your new life and find a way to come to peace with your past.

Just from my own selfish persepective, reading stories like yours helps to ground my own emotions and get me back in contact with reality away from the heady emotions that can easily take over. So thank you very much and I wish you the best of luck.

[Redemption]

To everyone who has replied, a huge 'thank you', this is exactly what I needed.
I am trying to make sense of the life I was entirely dedicated to, but I knew something was wrong. Only through this process have I been able to define the challenges and start to make positive change. I realize it won't be easy or short-term, but I know that my new partner's love and assistance will correct the pain and confusion of a what occurred in the past. I cannot blame, accuse, or criticize my ex-wife. I now need to embrace a line from Stop Walking on Eggshells...'It's not who she is, it's what she has.' By offering understanding, compassion, empathy and hope, I may not change her or help her, but I can help myself. At this point, that is the best I can seek to accomplish.

[once removed]

I know that my new partner's love and assistance will correct the pain and confusion of a what occurred in the past.

Redemption, i want to offer a few words of caution.

your new relationship will not heal you. it will not heal the wounds of your old relationship.

ive seen many members here walk down the same path.

there are usually one of two scenarios:

1. a member goes through a bad breakup or divorce. finds a potentially healing relationship, passion, romance, understanding. posts here about how wonderful things were, and then they realized it was BPD.

2. a member goes through a bad breakup or divorce from someone with bpd. finds a potentially healing relationship, passion, romance, understanding. didnt grieve the old relationship, invested deeply in the potential of the new relationship. problems surface, hearts are broken.

im not telling you to exit your new relationship. im telling you, from experience, there are a lot of "dos and donts", and a prudent way to approach it.

are you going through the divorce process?

[Redemption]

Hello Once Removed
Yes, I am almost finished the divorce process. In doing so, I realize, with almost every email I exchange with my ex, that she exhibits all of the characteristics of BPD. I feel nothing but empathy and compassion for her. I knew something wasn't right with her, but I couldn't diagnose or get her to seek assistance. I gave everything, but I just couldn't do it anymore.
I am very happy in my new relationship, but I do appreciate your comments and suggestions. My partner also manages a BPD son, so we are support to each other while having a strong working knowledge of the challenges that come from dealing with people with the condition.