Leaving a BPD Partner

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, My name is Simon and I’m in a relationship with someone who has BPD, I believe.
We’re both in our 50’s with grown up children and have been together for 4 years, the last 3 of which have generally been a roller coaster of emotions, certainly for me, anything from absolute perfection to feelings of utter despair at my partners behaviour and the gradual erosion of the fabulous relationship that we ‘once had’?
I have only very recently discovered my partner briefly sought treatment for BPD (whilst in a different relationship) before refusing to continue the counselling, she doesn’t know I know this, (her grown up daughter told me recently after a particularly bad episode) my partner now refuses to acknowledge any sort of problem exists, any attempt by me to discuss mental health is a guarantee of an imminent ‘episode’.
I wish I’d known about BPD earlier, it would have helped me understand what was happening and perhaps allowEd me to help her and save the relationship, I’m not sure this is now possible.
My partners BPD has changed me from being confident I was in a totally ‘mutual’ loving relationship, into someone who tip toes around hoping they’ve not said the wrong thing, or maybe the right thing but in the wrong way, or perhaps not quite at the right moment! Not daring to say what I think (however innocuous it maybe) whilst my partner is happy to spout abuse and vitriol at Will.
Of course that could be today, tomorrow she may be happy, loving, full of fun and laughter, someone I don’t want to be without, like I said It’s a roller coaster, but I guess you all know that!
I don’t think there is an easy answer especially after 4 years, and I believe my partner will sacrifice the relationship long before she agrees to seek counselling!
Anyway, as the good bits of the last 4 years have been so good I thought it would be worth one last try, just in case anyone can offer any words of wisdom?
Many Thanks
Simon
 

[Monis12]

Hi, My name is Simon and I’m in a relationship with someone who has BPD, I believe.
We’re both in our 50’s with grown up children and have been together for 4 years, the last 3 of which have generally been a roller coaster of emotions, certainly for me, anything from absolute perfection to feelings of utter despair at my partners behaviour and the gradual erosion of the fabulous relationship that we ‘once had’?
I have only very recently discovered my partner briefly sought treatment for BPD (whilst in a different relationship) before refusing to continue the counselling, she doesn’t know I know this, (her grown up daughter told me recently after a particularly bad episode) my partner now refuses to acknowledge any sort of problem exists, any attempt by me to discuss mental health is a guarantee of an imminent ‘episode’.
I wish I’d known about BPD earlier, it would have helped me understand what was happening and perhaps allowEd me to help her and save the relationship, I’m not sure this is now possible.
My partners BPD has changed me from being confident I was in a totally ‘mutual’ loving relationship, into someone who tip toes around hoping they’ve not said the wrong thing, or maybe the right thing but in the wrong way, or perhaps not quite at the right moment! Not daring to say what I think (however innocuous it maybe) whilst my partner is happy to spout abuse and vitriol at Will.
Of course that could be today, tomorrow she may be happy, loving, full of fun and laughter, someone I don’t want to be without, like I said It’s a roller coaster, but I guess you all know that!
I don’t think there is an easy answer especially after 4 years, and I believe my partner will sacrifice the relationship long before she agrees to seek counselling!
Anyway, as the good bits of the last 4 years have been so good I thought it would be worth one last try, just in case anyone can offer any words of wisdom?
Many Thanks
Simon
 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I'm so glad that you have found us, even though you are in the middle of a trying relationship.

Please trust that you have found a group of people that "get it".

I can see from the quote below that you "get it" as well...  Exhausting isn't it? 

into someone who tip toes around hoping they’ve not said the wrong thing, or maybe the right thing but in the wrong way, or perhaps not quite at the right moment! 

Listen you asked for words of wisdom.  I have quite a few!

Take advantage of this new opportunity (BPDfamily) to learn about what you are really dealing with.

Can you push "pause" on things for a few weeks and really invest yourself here?

I suggest that you take this "point of view".  Imagine that you believed you were dating someone that was from same culture and spoke same language, yet you just found out that is not true.

Wouldn't you want to learn as much as possible about their culture and language?

I'll check back soon...looking forward to hearing more about your story.

Best,

FF