How to Move Forward

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,
I'm brand new here and hoping to just feel connected in some ways. My husband exhibits virtually all of the symptoms of BPD, and although he has had many unsuccessful ventures into receiving therapy in his teenage years and during his previous marriage, he never received a formal diagnosis that I'm aware of. He did tell me that one therapist informed him that he could never change. We have been together for about three and a half years now, and I am currently pregnant with our first child together. He has two daughters, ages 7 and 10, from his first marriage, and they are with us half time. My husband is very controlling with the girls and with me in different ways, and I am concerned about how he will be with our son. He is also hyper-sensitive and moody. The other day, he was telling me how close he has always naturally felt to his 10-year-old. The following day, she lied about something her mother had done in order to avoid a conflict, and he said that he would disown her for lying to him. I tried to explain the daughter's point of view to him, but he simply wouldn't hear it. That is typical: his inability to see things in totality. He is proud of his black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking and says so. He ended up confronting his daughter about the lie and told her that if she doesn't stop lying to him, she wouldn't be able to be part of his life at all. The way he dwells on the past and allows little issues to resurface and turn life-shattering problems at any given time terrifies me. I don't know how to make things better in preparation of our son's arrival. I try to be understanding. I try to be empathetic. I think that I am patient with him. What can I do to make this easier? Are there ways to help him be happier and more accepting of love? Can I help him see others' perspectives, including my own? I feel so lost.

[TucsonWife]

Hello,
I'm brand new here and hoping to just feel connected in some ways. My husband exhibits virtually all of the symptoms of BPD, and although he has had many unsuccessful ventures into receiving therapy in his teenage years and during his previous marriage, he never received a formal diagnosis that I'm aware of. He did tell me that one therapist informed him that he could never change. We have been together for about three and a half years now, and I am currently pregnant with our first child together. He has two daughters, ages 7 and 10, from his first marriage, and they are with us half time. My husband is very controlling with the girls and with me in different ways, and I am concerned about how he will be with our son. He is also hyper-sensitive and moody. The other day, he was telling me how close he has always naturally felt to his 10-year-old. The following day, she lied about something her mother had done in order to avoid a conflict, and he said that he would disown her for lying to him. I tried to explain the daughter's point of view to him, but he simply wouldn't hear it. That is typical: his inability to see things in totality. He is proud of his black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking and says so. He ended up confronting his daughter about the lie and told her that if she doesn't stop lying to him, she wouldn't be able to be part of his life at all. The way he dwells on the past and allows little issues to resurface and turn life-shattering problems at any given time terrifies me. I don't know how to make things better in preparation of our son's arrival. I try to be understanding. I try to be empathetic. I think that I am patient with him. What can I do to make this easier? Are there ways to help him be happier and more accepting of love? Can I help him see others' perspectives, including my own? I feel so lost.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

Welcome! 

you are in the right place.

There is a lot of tools and reading here on things we can do and things to stop doing.  So I guess read as much as you can.  Also, others here have a lot of experience, and can share their experience. 
It's sad really to see how the black and white thinking can mess things up.
Especially when kids are involved.

I guess just do your best, take care of yourself.  It's hard to not get sucked in to the dynamic.  If I can be detached, I can be a buffer, I can make a difference.
To do these things I have to take care of my well being.  I need at least one close friend I can share with who won't judge me.  Who will just listen.

You care a lot and you will able to see a path.  You will learn much here.  Be patient with yourself.

Sincerely

juju