Should I stay or should I go?

[BPDs wife]

Hi everyone.
My therapist has highly encouraged me to join an online support group so here I am. I have been a little anxious and depressed because my marriage is empty. My therapist has strong beliefs that my husband has BPD, and after looking into it, I strongly agree. He is also a pathological liar so he went to therapy for a few weeks, lied about a lot and eventually stopped attending sessions. He is always home, highly depressed, stuck on the couch watching tv. He drains my energy, and he is psychologically and emotionally abusive. He used to be physically abusive as well but all that seems to have stopped since June, after calling the police (per therapist's suggestion) during the last incident where I felt highly in danger of another attack. I opted not to press charges but he once told me he would have a hard time forgiving the fact that I called the police in his house (which is ours where I've fronted most of the financial burdens), and I believe I deeply hurt him in that situation. I haven't regretted it though, and our daily fights seem to not escalate to this point anymore. I typically just dial 911 on my phone if he gets too close and before even calling, he backs off.
Things got smooth after a while so I quit my job to start on my own business. I did so primarily because of how difficult it's been for me to work for a company - my husband typically throws a fit in the morning, argues with me until I'm completely exhausted, and sometimes even physically stops me from walking out of the door. Calling off for being "sick" got old real quick and when he absences became week-long and my boss continued to support me, I started therapy. There's a lot more to this story but...my husband decided he should quit his job as well, on the same day I quit mine. He typically does wild uncalculated moves but this one shocked me. While I was at my office turning in my 2 week notice, he sent off an email and when I got home, he had a huge smile on his face.
I have been pushing him to get a part time job while he looks for new opportunities, so that we can at least pay our bills. He spent 2 months off and he finally received an offer...for $12/hr. My heart hurts, we live in a huge house and this wont afford us anything. I tried to be encouraging and thanked him for getting something to bring in some income, but that I thought he could negotiate for more. He was able to get up to $14/hr and practically celebrated himself as if this was his biggest accomplishment (2 months ago, our household income was ($160k).
He had the nerve to come ask me to use my savings to support us. I am starting to realize exactly how irresponsible he is, despite years of teaching him how to be responsible, especially financially. I guess I didnt realize the depth of the issue, or maybe I've enabled it to this point. I think if I stay with him, he will completely destroy me and all that I've worked for in this life. Part of me thinks this is just a phase and he will get another job. The other part sees the addict who will just sit on the couch in this huge house, while I kill myself to enable his glorious lifestyle.
Deep down, I tell myself, simply asking "should I stay or should I go" tells me this relationship needs to end. Our vows mentioned through sickness and health, is his behavior a by-product of his mental illness? What else can I do? My therapist has me read a lot and everyone seems to conclude I'm afraid (of being alone or that he'll hurt me). I have concluded that I'm afraid of giving up on him. Yes, I tend to be codependent.
Thanks for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

BPDs wife, I can feel the pain in your message. First of all, thank you for trusting us with your story and sharing what you're going through. I'm so sorry for all that you're dealing with.

You'll learn that you're not alone here. I'm in the middle of a very difficult season with my H who is enmeshed with his BPD mother. I really get the financial stuff, too. It's all really painful. I just want you to know I'm in the mud with you, hoping with you and for you that your situation can improve, no matter what you decide.

I'm glad you had the courage to call the police. I know this created some major discomfort for him, but it also seems like it was an effective wake up call.

How long have you been married?

pj

[BPDs wife]

We have been married for 4 years and were together for 7 years before that.
Sadly, there was another physical altercation within a week of my last post. It started while I attempted to discuss our attendance to my grandmother's funeral.
There is no excuse I could ever come up with as to why I was physically assaulted that week by the man who calls himself my husband.
A lot has happened since but we have now both moved out (I'm moving today). We're hoping to close on this house next week.
11 years of history is a lot to process. This past year and a half I've received a lot of help and support so if you are reading this and are going through something similar, my heart cries out to you to just tell someone. You might not call it abuse yet but if you have the life sucked out of you daily and you dont know what's happening with your life but you feel he might kill you one day, just tell someone, anyone. Call domestic violence hotline 800−799−7233 if you feel safe to do so and just tell them what you deal with everyday. They can help you get local resources for free.
I never wanted that help, I didnt think that's what I needed, I didnt even understand what was happening, but though the road has been hard, it's been worth the freedom and sweet healing of life. Just call and at the very least you'd have spoken to someone who doesnt know you and got it off your shoulders. Your life is worth it.

I believe my husband could be a psychopath. I dont believe his issue is BPD even if he has BPD. He has an abusive problem.
I will find the appropriate support group.

Thank you.
Xoxo