FIVE YEARS. HOW?

[PPS]

My story started in 2015. I met someone incredible, exciting, smart and really intense that leaved me to had awesome experiences. She really idolized me. I could see the admiration that her had to me in all attitudes, bringin to me a wonder sensation and gracefully. I was living a really good time with her until a day in february/16. It was a normal night, i was talking with a female colleague of medicine in phone. She has a ticket for Rolling Stones show what happened in Porto Alegre, Brazil, city where i live. My girlfriend saw my dialogue and get mad instantly. I tried to show her my intention, just buy a ticket from a colleague, but i can't. She didn´t allow me even to talk a single word and started to attack me fisically.
After this, in another ocasion, she realized me "looking" to another girl and punched me in the face, in front my family and her family. The relationship starts to be a nightmare. Gradually, the fury attacks became normal without any reason like not answer a question on time or with the words that she not liked. In a road trip with my car, i asked her to drive a little because i was exausted after a hard work dar on hospital - I was resident doctor in a hospital. So, she started to drive really fast, 160 km/h and singing very loud. She was upset because i slept and i didn´t make a good company for her. I warned her to take care about the right way in a curve, when instantly she screamed to me and ordened me to "shut my mouth". So, she got the wrong way and screamed to me again asking "why i didnt warn her to make a convertion?". Then she stopped the car in the dark highway and start to drive on reverse. This dangerous situation appears to not shake with her and today she deny the fact. Fortunately her sister was in the car too to confirm and tranquilize me that i not got crazy. Yet.
I lost the count of the situations what she insulted me, humilhated me with the worst words she knew. This became routine, and i started to prepare some medicine pills what i take when this happen. I usually take one pill of benzoadizepines, one anti-histaminic and one muscle-relaxing pill wanting a deep sedation for not have to take this experience again. So the years still passing, i was in the period of major requirement in the hospital and living a hell at home. In one ocasion i was destroyed because a bad surgery that leave a big ocular damage in a patient. I went to home and she was there.
Unfurtanetely she was upset with anything that i not remember. I just ask "not today" for her. But not worked. Her anger has growed up and she ordered me to stop to victimizing me. She never liked anything on my life when she isnt included. All my business trip, all my friends reunion, all of my hobbies dislike her, and became a reason to fight. Obviously, i walked way my friends with afraid to cause another fight. I became sad, depressed, started to take two anti-depressives pills. When i tried to explain the situation for another person i never got serious because the person just know my girlfriend superficially, but i guess if them start to coexist with her in some moment the truth about her is gonna appear. So who's gonna suport you when the person you talk just met the wonder person that you met before of all this? I became more and more isolated. When familiars knew about our fights the reason ever was attributed to her, because her version of story is the fantasy version of her and i was without strenght to fight back with my story version what not convince nobody.
The insanity of this all, is the great moments we had together in trips or another ocasions. I think this is the reason to i stand with her until today, when im going to try to break up again. It was a really relief to know another stories similars to mine. Its like the weight of all world finally disappear from my back. I questioned if im not going crazy in so much times, i didnt know if the things i was seeing and listening were really real because the justifications and the way of my girlfriend experience the fact are so intense and convincing that i started to doubt to my own senses. My decision is to go away from her because she always deny herselves problems. She is very clear when she says that is my problem and not her despite my begging. She dont even consider the hypothesis that i'm right and neither accept to go to a therapist. There is no hope for her rehabilitation. To know a border is like a bless and a curse same time. Unfurtanetely the evil wins in a major part of cases like mine.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[lionessa]

Dear PPS:
 Such a sad and tumultuous story. I can relate because I am also a doctor and in relationship with BPD partner. ( I diagnosed him few days ago).
The last thing we tend to do as medical professionals is to analyze our own relationships as having a problem. It usually doesn't happen to us. We know better. But  form our history of helping others we sometimes have blinders on, stay too long, later on starting to analyze erratic behavior of a partner, when it is too late.  We tend to help others, believing that our problems magically will resolve by ourselves. That we can manage. Above all we are the rescuers. Right?
I am stuck in similar situation, thankfully not as abusive as yours was. I am very sorry to read all that you went through. I truly sympathize with you, and I hope you can find healing here.

[Harri]

Hi PPS and welcome.  Glad you found us.

5 years is a long time and like Lionessa said, many of us tend to be rescuers and many of us tend to question our own perceptions.  I think we have all done that to one extent or another, I know I did.  It is especially hard I think when there are good times that are *so* good.  Yeah, we get it here.

You mentioned that you want to break up with her.  We can help you through that.  Can you share your plans for that?  As you share more of your situation we can give more specific feedback and suggestions so I hope you post more (as you feel comfortable though).

Again,

[PPS]

Firstly im sorry for the mistake on my first post. Newbie things
I want really to thank the words of lionessa and harri. Im alone in this storm now.
So, yesterday i broke up the relationship. A few words of talking and some bad energy on atmosphere and we finished. But, not so easy. After a few more minutes she started to enumerate my defects what, on her mind, was the reason to the failure of relationship. Then i took my sleepin sedative pills and i went to the bed. Ok, i drank a little shots of whyski too. So, at 3am i woke up with her taking of my underwears and started to  please me sexually. In the act she asked to me if i wanted to her stop. I didnt answer anything Just kept my eyes closed and tried to back to sleep. So i woke up for the job in late because she disabled my phone alarm. I took my things and i went to the work.
Now, there are exactly 51 no answer calls from her and counting. In this moment she is sending me photos of us together and photos of our dogs with sad face. She is begging me to answer. Its really hard to know what to do.
 I cant stop to feel me guilty of all this suffering. If she acts this way because a mentally disorder this dont make her innocent of the suffer she causes? How much blame she has and how much i have? Must i have concern of a tragic outcome? I cant talk about this with anyone because no one knows the things she is able to do. The next days i really dont know whats gonna happen and this cause me a horrible anxiety. I really apreciate your support in this time. I feel lost. Thank you.

[lionessa]

Dear PPS, hang in there. Storm will pass, eventually. Yes, it is very very difficult thing to be in your shoes right now, incredibly difficult. Don't beat yourself up because of that. Stay strong and reach out for support.
What is working for me at this moment ( and I also broke up my relationship yesterday- how crazy?) is to focus on little things I could do for myself. I ask myself where I want to go? What do I want to eat? What do I want to do? I start imagining these things ahead of time, like for instance I want to drive 1 hour to the farm market to buy those apples that I liked. And I am imagining myself in the store, I imagine how I am dressed, and how happy I am. I do this the day before, and  the next morning I am ready to jump into the car and drive. Maybe this sounds crazy, but that reduces my anxiety. Just imagining yourself doing little things for you. I forgot how to take care of myself and little peculiar things that i will go out of my way to do make me excited and grateful and appreciative that I see myself in this mess of relationship (or failed relationship).  But they can be basic things as well such as what i want to eat for lunch. How this sandwich looks, imagine that and I can make it for myself. Just to be conscious about these little things, they seem to cut the drama of the relationship and show that yes we are here on the other side, lost, forgotten and unloved. And that we need care.  I could see how I neglected myself and it feels good to accomplish something special for yourself. 
We were taught in medical school that if someone has personality disorder, as a partner or you can do is to love them and see them as handicap person who cannot help themself. I don't know what I would do with a constant phone calls (51), it is very hard to know. Maybe keep communication line open, I am not sure in this case.
But what I see for future relationships is that that communication line is vital for building the foundation of relationship. Two people have to be on the same page to build something solid, they have to rely on themselves in times of crisis, and then they can enjoy times of earned happiness. Stays strong PPS

[lionessa]

Well,  just remember something that one therapist told me some time ago.
Let's say you are dealing with argumentative person and you know her for some time. And in your case it may be it. Then pick 2 topics of conversation or 3 that you can talk about that are safe topics and you guys will not argue. Lets say dogs, and   work. I don't know And if you have a conversation just talk about those topics only. You may probably increase the list of topics not stopping at 2. But if she wants to walk about the problem and continue the conversation you steer her to talk about to topics that you chose. Yes, you will need to have a control over the conversation, unfortunately. If she is persistent about jumping into difficult territory, and she is not able to return to selected topics you politely say that you have to go and you will talk some other time. I hope that helps. Anything.. right. Stay strong

[PPS]

I really dont know how to thak you lionessa. Just to know im not the only one comforts me. After all, i passed years thinking whats wrong with me to be so hated in a way so intense. All your tips were much useful. Im walked on the beach (my ex is in my apartment and i went to my parents beach house) looking for any angle that i want without afraid of nothing. I drove for 2km stopping in every pharmacy looking for a medicind for my grandma. I found it in the first, but in this pandemic crisis why not to go in others 25 to research the best price? 

Unfurtanetely, theres no more soccer to watch on sunday. A Family tradition, especially here wherer i live. I miss so much the soccer games with my friends that i realize what this ever was my refuge. But watch ancient games is not so bad. Sometimes bad toughts comes to torture me like the question of my mom if the salt was good in the meal. My ex always did this same, despite she never has followed my suggestion.

So lionessa, thanks again for the words. Maybe i should help you now. All my focus is to things i dont do before because the afraid of negative reaction. The sensation of relief grows up. I started to do plans that i couldnt to do before, even little plans like switch my photo on the social midia. Fortunately i have a big friend that invites me to pass the sunday night drinking some beer e talking for everything which causes good reactions.

Like you said to me i said to you too. Hang on. Stay strong too.

[lionessa]

Oh dear PPS,
Thank you so much! you go and do your stuff and know that you left your life hanging by the thread. It is time to catch it and spin it around. Promise me that. !
I posted my dilemma somewhere else on this site under different label- like break up is probably where i described my story.
I wish I could be happier  but i am devastated. Had spoken to him on the way back and he told me (after arm twisting) he is going on a date with another woman.  His phone is off. 3 days ago he told me that he wants me to move in with him. The next day he gets a text at 6 AM from some woman... I broke up with him that day.
he doesn't show (talk) about his feelings... funny ... if there are any...
Today later on it will be my pleasure to decide (and I will have hime surgically removed from my mind :D)to press the button NEXT ( you know doctor's joke) or like president Trump says  YOU ARE FIRED!
I don't have time for BS. Not being honest with me is basically the end of story anyway+ possible cheating and mind games  are deal breaker.
 Anyway...
I need to be strong, I know. I am glad that at least your day is happier and my tricks are working of you. I took a trip to the place to buy apples, and got the news on the way back. Then I read your letter and no matter how strong you are the heart is still crying to some extent and you are hurt. Because all it takes is that minute of not concentrating and feelings come storming in. We probably have to program our thinking that we need to have more positive experiences that day. to counteract 1 bad event you need to create 5 positive to balance it out so the trauma is pushed out form your mind.  So i am off to figure some fun activities to do tonight at home, and will have MY time and enjoy it.
Thank you for your interest in my drama of the day it feels to good to know that someone cares. It really does. Thank you for being a friend.