How do I deal with the meaninglessness?

[thejimmy]

Hey everyone,
This is my first post in this forum. I first want to say that I'm very glad that I found out about this community. It feels good to get my feelings and experiences validated and know that other people are going through the same situations. Thanks for opening up...

That's my story:

I'm pretty sure my ex gf has BPD. She hasn't been diagnosed but the shoe fits. I broke up with her for what I thought would be the 2nd and final time in the beginning of January this year. She begged me to reconsider but I had come to a point of extreme emotional stress from the constant arguing, disrespect, disregard for my needs and lack of intimacy. The begging continued for 2 weeks where she tried EVERYTHING she can to get me back. I hadn't felt so much pain before in my life, seeing someone fall on her knees and beg me, crying her eyes out saying she will be better and she will change. And me having to tell her no... to the person I loved more than anything in the world... I just couldn't though.. I had made my decision and her neediness actually pushed me even further away. She stopped texting me after I sent her a kind of mean text that this situation can't continue and that we have to go no contact in order to move on.

For the next 3 months I was doing okay. I think I was getting better and better at dealing with the breakup and there were days I almost didn't think of her. Nevertheless, in the back of my mind, there was this meaninglessness. It felt like something is off, that something is not right. That no matter how much fun I'm having with friends, loved ones, and even new girls I would meet outside, I was not really okay. And I knew it was because she wasn't there with me. In the morning.. at the end of the day, at the weekends, to share her silly stories and me to tell her mine. I wasn't desperate, but I was starting to become so because it just wouldn't go away..

And then corona happened. Lockdown. Can't meet old friends. Can't meet new people. Home office. Isolation. And that's where it got really hard. And really meaningless. I'm talking about life..

I reached out to her, with the rationalisation that it's been almost 4 months now and it's dumb to keep the NC going. We should at least be friends I said to myself. -Yet deep down I also knew I couldn't take this meaninglessness anymore.

She was cold, then she was warm, then really warm. Then we met, it was great. I was finally high again. The meaninglessness went away. Life was good. And we were on the path to getting back together. Ready to work on the old issues with more knowledge, having grown as a person, and knowing that setting boundaries and keeping them is key.

And then she, went cold again. Distant. And I was hooked. She said she needed time. And then decided she needs something more stable. That she can't get the thought of me breaking up with her again out of her head. That she still loves me but that she can't risk it. Granted, I got pretty needy during that last stage of her going cold. And. I know she could sense that I needed her more than she needed me.

So here I am. 10 days after the last no from her side. We didn't go no contact. I don't think we will. But I'm also not planning to be texting her. In these last 10 days, I read The Alchemist in one day -the first time that I cried reading a book-, How to stop walking on eggshells in 2 days and realising that the there is a name for the way she was acting. And have been kind of redefining my life and my purpose.

The meaninglessness crept back in. But while I think that this time, I'll manage to get over it, I still miss her.
And because of my newly acquired knowledge about BPD, I think we might still have a chance. If we both put in the work...

I don't know how to get her back. Or how to show her that we can make it. What I do know is that it has to be her own choice.
And that the only thing I can do from my side is to be my best self. Detach from her emotionally, move on and move up in life.

On the back of my mind is also this thought that, I'll never be able to accept her disrespectful behaviour, and that at some point it'll again be too much to handle and break up. But then I'm thinking that if I put enough boundaries, and protect myself from her drama outbursts, while she's working on herself, that we could make it work. And that this... all this effort would mean something.. and that it would be even more beautiful than a relationship that would just work out of the box.

I really love her. And when things were good, I couldn't ask life for more. It's just that the bad was frequent, and I didn't really know how to deal with it. Do I now? Idk.. But I would really be willing to work on it, one last time. To both do our best...  But that's just wishful thinking, because she's made up her mind. Just like I had made up mine when I broke up with her that last time.

I know what I need to do... But I also know that I could use some guidance. Especially on the meaninglessness part and on that feeling that something is missing from my life when she's not there. That something's wrong. Will it go away on it's own? Do I need more time? Or will it go away only when I find someone to replace her? Ideally, I would like to not feel like that at all. I'd like to be just fine on my own, going about my life and my purpose. Which was almost the case before I met her. -I'm saying almost because I still felt that "meaninglessness" from time to time, but it quickly went away. Now it's just constant...

This was my first relationship. I'm 22.

Would love to know if you see any red flags on the way she or I acted. Or any advice really..
Do you think she will come back? Can I do something on my side?
Do I tell her that I think she has BPD?
How do I deal with the meaninglessness?

Thanks guys

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Min117]

Hi friend,

The best advice I can give you is to focus on bettering yourself. You can’t make her change, and telling her you think she has BPD could be disastrous. Sometimes space and patience will heal things.
I wish you the best of luck!

[once removed]

hi thejimmy, and

a complicated relationship, for your first. im glad you found us.

ill be frank: underneath it all, its not really clear why you want her back. you mention a high. and certainly, no one would like to reconnect and then be rejected.

but the key to getting back together isnt just getting back together (youll break up over the same stuff and with more pain than before), and i can tell youve given that some thought. the key is really understanding what broke the relationship down, and what is going to change, and how.

people with bpd have inherent trust issues. clear as day, shes telling you the breakup really hurt her. she, likely, after four months, has grieved the relationship to a large extent, and entertaining the idea of giving it another go is probably pretty scary.

you may not be able to fix that, even if you do get back together.

so i think the first thing to do is consider whether this is a first love that youre having a difficult time grieving, and whether the "cure" is getting back together,, or fully grieving and letting go. youre on the Bettering/Reversing board, so if you want to reconcile, we will support your effort in doing so.

but the question becomes how.

it doesnt sound like her feelings are dead and gone. that would be promising, but for the fact that her feelings mostly sound like dread and pain. that can change, but you need an opening, one much softer and lighter, and no pressure. is there anything connecting the two of you? are you friends on social media? any mutual friends?

tell us more about what happened in that last conversation, what you said, what she said.