Any success stories involving SO with BPD? How to apply to current relationship?

[greenhouse]

Hey all, I've recently began (starting at the start of this year) a relationship with someone who fairly early on revealed they had BPD. At first they said not to look up stuff online as their symptoms weren't as severe. As we move forward in the relationship I'm not sure that was the case and I think they were worried it might turn me away. At times I've worried if I am strong enough but I believe only time can tell and I'm am going into this wanting to learn more about her struggles and how I can keep the relationship healthy.

From talking with a therapist I myself might have some sort of fear of abandonment at least in romantic relationships and am working towards finding ways to deal with my anxiety and depressive thoughts in general and ways to cope with ones that come about in the relationship. I understand its possible we may just not work together but it's too early to tell and I am only beginning to understand how her struggles manifest. She has been one of the few things to bring happiness in my life in a long while and I'm not ready to give up so soon. Part of my fear lies in the unknown so I am hopeful this relationship might work but at the same time avoid getting sucked in so that we both end up hurt more than we should. A lot of what I have read has been the negative side of BPD so I was hoping to get perspective on others that have been in a successful relationship with a significant other with BPD for a change from the more depressing although potentially realistic scenarios I may find myself in.

For more context the past few months have been great. She stays busy with work and online schooling and most if not all of her free time is with eachother. Aside from feeling down about her looks or stresses at work we had great times. Giving reassurance is something that comes easy to me. Recently however she had a notable increase in irritability not directed towards me but as she claimed it was for no reason. She had started a new anxiety medication a few weeks before and wondered if that could be the cause. However I had mentioned when we could next see each other and gave a date as a suggestion she seemed hesitant and didn't commit or suggest another date. She continued to say she missed me but wouldn't commit because she "didn't want to take out her irritability with me". She did at one point say "well come and see me" for the following day but that fell through as she said she was still dealing with irritability. Coupled with other mostly irrational thoughts (although some may or may not but regardless are nowhere close to conclusive and could very well not be) about her not being faithful I began to get anxious and when she turned down the second date I proposed I let it get the better of me. I feel embarrassed admitting this but I said "Why don't you like me" and eventually that conversation led her to asking for a few days of space since we both were not mentally at our best. Something seemed off a little before that conversation and she seemed distant (the heart and kiss emojis and other usual romantic things stopped on top of feeling like she might not want to see me). We remained texting although it was noticeably slower and she said she had no thoughts of ending things with us. The few days we "distanced" I thought through needing space and began to mostly understand it and let her know but she still seemed reluctant to help me understand. Eventually after 2 days she messaged about getting together the following day. I was up for it but figured it might fall through again but it didn't. We met and our time together was good although I had a few depressive thoughts surface but didn't think they showed. I guess I wasn't fully understanding yet of how she missed me but wanted space. I haven't noticed any sort of distancing in person. The night after she left she asked if I still liked her I said yes and that I would let her know if I ever had second thoughts. She responded saying that I seemed distant. In this case I really didn't think I had been but maybe I wasn't fully aware of the impression I was giving so I said that I didn't realized and asked how I was being distant but she never answered the question. I also said "You seemed a bit distant too in text. I'm not trying to start anything but just wanting to talk through it. Something felt off" I should have clarified that I didn't mean just past few days but it was too late. Looking back I think I pushed a little too hard for meeting earlier in the week and didn't word my messages as good as I liked so maybe that distancing was a reaction to that. I had no ill intention with them but conveying your thoughts through text isn't always the easiest. When she woke up she said yes its because she hadn't been mentally the best lately. I answered with specifics on what was giving me distancing vibes and that I wish she would just say that she didn't want to meet or would want to play it by ear rather than saying to come see her then backing out. Because of the different vibes (see me/don't come see me) I was hoping we could discus ways to clear the air in the future but she just said that she couldn't deal with it right now and would talk to me later. She said obviously you haven't been paying any attention to me in the past week or so. I had been. But coming off the vibes I got the day we met (everything seemed better, no irritability in person) I thought it was going better. She even described herself as "manic" that day.

I sent a few messages after the said she would talk later. I had been getting the impression I'm supposed to be the one to change but she doesn't really have to help me through or answer all of my questions. I said to let me know if I was worth it and that I wish she understood how much I want us to work but I wasn't sure about right now and that it hurt terribly. I sent a few more messages trying to clarify my thoughts. When she got off work she said she didn't want to be alive anymore. I took this as 100% serious but at the same time it felt like this was a don't leave me moment and might just be a sort of test. Regardless I'm going to treat every situation like this literally and so I talked with her. She said she wasn't going to do anything dumb. I continued to give her reassurance about herself and hope. Reminding her I'm here for whatever she needs. But she didn't seem open (is she trying to make me feel bad? I considered it). She said she was fine and I didn't need to come despite asking in several different ways. Oddly enough because of what I have read concerning BPD it didn't bother me too much. However if it didn't seem like she was coming out of it I was ready to call her mom (temporarily living with parents which probably helped my initial concern). If it turns out to be more serious and not as much of a threat as I thought I will certainly become more proactive. It is frustrating willing to be open and asking questions but having some of them ignored. It gives me the sense like its mostly on me and I'm hoping to work through it and either understand or have her be open and maybe help just a little bit. I'm hoping for any advice or experiences I share. I've been seeing a therapist who happens to specialize in BPD and want to discuss more with her but an hour ever couple of weeks can only get you so far. I would love if I could get my SO to communicate more clearly or at the very least understand more and figure out ways to help her and myself in this relationship. My apologies if this is rambling. I tried to give enough context but not turn this into a book length post. Certainly willing to give more if you would like.

Thanks

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[once removed]

hi greenhouse, and

At first they said not to look up stuff online as their symptoms weren't as severe. As we move forward in the relationship I'm not sure that was the case and I think they were worried it might turn me away.

its hard to say. there are a lot of things on the internet about BPD...a lot of them on the more extreme side yes, and some of them just all together inaccurate. if i had BPD, severe or mild, the last thing i would want my partner to do is to google it.

From talking with a therapist I myself might have some sort of fear of abandonment at least in romantic relationships and am working towards finding ways to deal with my anxiety and depressive thoughts in general and ways to cope with ones that come about in the relationship. I understand its possible we may just not work together but it's too early to tell and I am only beginning to understand how her struggles manifest.

i think most of us (all of us?) bring a certain level of baggage to these relationships. i know i did. and its really hard for anyone to see how that can affect a relationship. its good that you see this. you can get really good feedback here.

the first thing is really to go into this relationship with your eyes wide open, and certainly, understanding our blinders, our baggage, the stuff we bring, can be a big part of that.

this is a really good place to start: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[alleyesonme]

Welcome to the board!

I honestly felt very optimistic while reading your post, and I'll get to that in a minute. But first, I would try to have more phone conversations (rather than - or in addition to - text exchanges) on days when you don't see each other. Especially early in a relationship, it's important to really get to know each other and make sure you understand the other person, and that's much easier to do when you can actually hear their voice.

My wife has BPD but has never been officially diagnosed, and gets absolutely furious when I tell her that she has it. She refuses to get any therapy, let alone to allow anyone to diagnose her. And if she did ever get diagnosed with BPD, I don't think she'd ever admit it to anyone. And if she did admit it, it wouldn't have happened until we'd been dating for a long time.

So the fact that your partner had the courage and character to get therapy, get diagnosed and then be honest and open about such a serious diagnosis from the outset with you is, in my opinion, rare and impressive. Very few BP's would do this.

I was also encouraged that she has the awareness to shield you from her when she's extra irritable. I've been dating or married to my wife for 6 years, and she has never had close to that much awareness/respect for me.