How to stay calm and not get exasperated.

[GrumpyStressed]

Hey all,
This is my first post and after a friend linked me this website I read a few posts and thought this might be the right place to post.

My wife hasn't been diagnosed with BPD but to me at least looks like to display a lot of the indicators of it.

I love her and I will never leave her, so I want to do my best to understand why she has two modes and what to do when she is in her angry/rage mode.

I really struggle with confrontation and calming her down, I have never dealt well with people shouting and screaming at me and so when they do I usually shout back.

We've been married a few years and this has always been an interesting part of our relationship. I find myself completely exhausted nowadays, I have to do my job and look after the kids while she recovers from xyz and so when she has a negative outburst I don't have the patience / will power to handle the situation in the right way.

I guess my question is help! What can I do when I'm feeling really frustrated/resentful/cross to help calm down the situation instead of making it worse.

Apologies for the wall of text,
GrumpyStressed

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[blue_watermelon]

Hi GrumpyStressed

This is a problem I am struggling with too. My husband knows how to "trigger" me in order to evoke past trauma and this makes me want to explode.

I'm not really in a position to offer advice, but this is what I have learned.

1. Teach yourself to remember to breathe. In and out to the count of ten. In the midst of a fight this is hard to remember but work on remembering.

2. If you can remember, place your hand over your heart and feel how fast it is beating. This should remind you that you are not yourself.

3. Get away and do something good for yourself like take a short walk or breathe fresh air outside.

All power to you,

[alleyesonme]

Hey all,
This is my first post and after a friend linked me this website I read a few posts and thought this might be the right place to post.

My wife hasn't been diagnosed with BPD but to me at least looks like to display a lot of the indicators of it.

I love her and I will never leave her, so I want to do my best to understand why she has two modes and what to do when she is in her angry/rage mode.

I really struggle with confrontation and calming her down, I have never dealt well with people shouting and screaming at me and so when they do I usually shout back.

We've been married a few years and this has always been an interesting part of our relationship. I find myself completely exhausted nowadays, I have to do my job and look after the kids while she recovers from xyz and so when she has a negative outburst I don't have the patience / will power to handle the situation in the right way.

I guess my question is help! What can I do when I'm feeling really frustrated/resentful/cross to help calm down the situation instead of making it worse.

Apologies for the wall of text,
GrumpyStressed

Welcome! I just joined this site a few months back, and can assure you that you've come to the right place. There are so many people here who have been through similar (and worse), and are more than willing to share their knowledge.

Have you read "Stop Walking on Eggshells"? If not, I'd highly recommend reading that book, as it gives great advice for how to handle these situations.

As the poster above mentioned, breathing is crucial. The first step after that is to depersonalize it. Realize that your spouse is sick, and the accusations/insults have nothing to do with you. That should help you remain calmer. This requires a lot of practice, and I'm still a work in progress.

Another step is to mirror. People with BPD are experiencing immense pain inside, so the only relief they have is to temporarily project it onto someone else (in this case, you). Rather than just take it as if it's ok to treat you that way, or fire back in self-defense, the book recommends that you mirror (example: "You seem really frustrated because of XYZ"). Even if you think it's absurd for them to feel that emotion, this still validates it for them, which is something they've been lacking their whole life. It also forces them to grapple with that negative emotion without it becoming part of you. This is even harder for me to do than depersonalizing is, so I'm very much a work in progress here.

[once removed]

I want to do my best to understand why she has two modes and what to do when she is in her angry/rage mode.

the real nature of BPD traits is emotional hypersensitivity and dysregulation.

its important to understand that this may be a part of her, how she deals with stress and conflict.

the key is really learning the tools, how they apply to your unique relationship, and recognizing when things have gone overboard beyond repair, and how to step back when they do.

so whats going on? whats she yelling at you about recently?

[GrumpyStressed]

1. Teach yourself to remember to breathe. In and out to the count of ten. In the midst of a fight this is hard to remember but work on remembering.

Just wanted to do a quick reply to say thank you for this. I've already done this 3 times today whereas normally I would get resentful and feeled attacked.
I'll try number 2 and 3 later as well!

[GrumpyStressed]

Have you read "Stop Walking on Eggshells"? If not, I'd highly recommend reading that book, as it gives great advice for how to handle these situations.

As the poster above mentioned, breathing is crucial. The first step after that is to depersonalize it. Realize that your spouse is sick, and the accusations/insults have nothing to do with you. That should help you remain calmer. This requires a lot of practice, and I'm still a work in progress.

Another step is to mirror. People with BPD are experiencing immense pain inside, so the only relief they have is to temporarily project it onto someone else (in this case, you). Rather than just take it as if it's ok to treat you that way, or fire back in self-defense, the book recommends that you mirror (example: "You seem really frustrated because of XYZ"). Even if you think it's absurd for them to feel that emotion, this still validates it for them, which is something they've been lacking their whole life. It also forces them to grapple with that negative emotion without it becoming part of you. This is even harder for me to do than depersonalizing is, so I'm very much a work in progress here.

Again just wanted to say thank you for these comments as well. I have heard of Mirroring but honestly I thought it was not really that effective, however, I tried it this morning and I could see she felt understood and it was a really nice change to see.

>People with BPD are experiencing immense pain inside

I come from a family where we try and put down our own emotions for the good of the family and just get on with life if you're hurting. So when you said this it really struck a note with me and I'm going to try and do my best to forget about that old way of thinking about emotions.  I have always struggled with the idea that if you're in pain you would want to cause pain to other people (emotionally at least), but now this makes a bit more sense.

I have actually started reading that book as well! My good friend linked me this website and the book, so I've been reading through it and well being shocked. It's very strange to see some very familar comments which I thought only happened to me. But its also I'm not sure how to put it, relieving? Knowing that in some senses this isn't just me going crazy but this is "normal".

[GrumpyStressed]

the key is really learning the tools, how they apply to your unique relationship, and recognizing when things have gone overboard beyond repair, and how to step back when they do.

so whats going on? whats she yelling at you about recently?

Yes I would love to learn about those tools and put them into practice. Yesterday I watched that conflict cycle video and was like ahhhh ok. I've always tried to end these cycles before by just apologizing and say it was my fault but after doing that for years I ended up not being able to anymore. However, after watching that video it's not about me apologizing its about me trying out that SET idea, sympathy empathy and truth.At least thats what i've understood.
I've always struggled with giving my wife sympathy/empathy because after years of her shouting/raging at me, I guess she was trying to use me to regulate but me not understanding and making it worse. However, I'll definetely try the SET idea because It does make sense, theres no point just going tit for tat all the time.

>whats she yelling at you about recently?
It can just be small things, when shes talking to me and I ask her a question but she's not thinking completely straight she starts to get more and more irritated. Then if I keep pushing asking for an answer she loses it and screams at me to go away.
It just makes having normal-ish conversations quite tricky, it feels like if the conversation starts going a away she doesn't like, she just shuts down and starts screaming at me to go away.
Another way it can happen is if I haven't done some chore exactly the way she likes it, she's very fussy (she says she has ocd) about having a clean house/kitchen/etc but its hard for me to balance work / looking after the kids and then tidying up too.

[blue_watermelon]

Hi GrumpyStressed,

Great to hear the advice here is helpful! It certainly is a huge relief to realise you are not alone and there is a framework to understand what is going on.

[alleyesonme]

Again just wanted to say thank you for these comments as well. I have heard of Mirroring but honestly I thought it was not really that effective, however, I tried it this morning and I could see she felt understood and it was a really nice change to see.

>People with BPD are experiencing immense pain inside

I come from a family where we try and put down our own emotions for the good of the family and just get on with life if you're hurting. So when you said this it really struck a note with me and I'm going to try and do my best to forget about that old way of thinking about emotions.  I have always struggled with the idea that if you're in pain you would want to cause pain to other people (emotionally at least), but now this makes a bit more sense.

I have actually started reading that book as well! My good friend linked me this website and the book, so I've been reading through it and well being shocked. It's very strange to see some very familar comments which I thought only happened to me. But its also I'm not sure how to put it, relieving? Knowing that in some senses this isn't just me going crazy but this is "normal".

You're very welcome. Mirroring has been really hard for me to do, so I'm impressed that you were able to apply it so quickly. Glad to hear it's working for you.

My BPD wife is a walking ball of rage, and any time something or someone pisses her off, someone will be feeling her wrath. It's the only way she knows how to cope, and as her husband, I get the brunt of it 99.9% of the time.

So glad to hear you're reading that book. I'm right there with you, as I literally broke down and cried as I was reading it. I'd been living what I thought was a completely isolated and unique nightmare that no one could possibly understand, but reading that book (and then joining this message board) have shown me that I'm not alone.

[once removed]

Yes I would love to learn about those tools and put them into practice.

SET might be a little bit of a leap to begin with.

its a formula. the thing that i want to stress most about the communication skills, is that you never want to sound formulaic. you want to sound natural and authentic, and that takes practice.

SET is also hard to deliver in a live, back and forth, ongoing argument.

certainly learn it...and learn from it. i use it all the time, and i dont have anyone with BPD in my life anymore. but you might focus on the ingredients first, so to speak, like Listening with Empathy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy) and learning to avoid being invalidating (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation). the conflict lesson is a great start, too.

It can just be small things, when shes talking to me and I ask her a question but she's not thinking completely straight she starts to get more and more irritated. Then if I keep pushing asking for an answer she loses it and screams at me to go away.

can you tell us more? what kind of question? a recent example would really help.