Feeling Lost

[StuckKitten]

Hello,

I'm new to doing this sort of thing! So I guess to start this off is that my husband, who has bpd, has chronic back pain due to his hernia that he had  surgery on last year, along with a labor intensive job. He makes really good money and he's definetly not a people person so him getting a new job is very limited.
Usually I've been able to stay positive and help him keep his head up, as him and his doctors try to figure out the source of his pain exactly and how to cope with it. So far they haven't found anything and he's been at his limit(waiting on appointments to be made as well). He's been focusing a lot on the negatives in our lives and giving up on hobbies due to his pain, which is very understandable. He talks a lot about hating his life, how nothing will ever go right, and how much he hates everyone around him. I'm wondering if there's something I could be saying to him to help him get through all of this, or even something I should be doing? I feel lost because it seems like any advice that I give  he just comes back with saying that I don't understand him or it won't work out because it never has. It has become more and more difficult to stay positive myself and to cope with. He keeps telling me that I don't understand even tho I see him everyday in pain and not being able to do what he used to do. I'm trying to help and I'm at a loss of words. I feel as though I'm constantly walking on eggshells.
 i know this deals with medical issues as well, but the mentality of "nothing good is ever going to happen", "I hate everyone", and "I wish I didn't exist" was there before his pain and has gotten worse through all this. If anyone could share some insight or even maybe how I should be dealing with this to help him would be greatly appreciated!

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi SK-

Welcome to our community.  I’m very sorry for what you and your H are going through.  Not easy; and I’m sure you’re doing your absolute BEST consoling, cajoling, caring for and validating what your H is feeling.

Under the “best” of circumstances, chronic and undiagnosed pain is awful; and with people who experience heightened emotions (pwBPD), these situations can be very disconcerting.  I understand you feel helpless in your efforts to calm him... to “assure” him that things will get better.  Especially when you may feel unsure that they may not.

The medical system can be slow as molasses... have the docs ordered MRI, other scans / tests to see what “structural” injuries may be at play here?  During medical crises like these, we HAVE to become somewhat pushy, become our own advocates.  Insurers do NOT want to pay for ANYTHING until all other avenues have been exhausted, which is often more dangerous.  I know this from experience.

The best thing you can do is to use your validation tools (if you’re unfamiliar, look under the TOOLS, WORKSHOPS); and at all costs, try NOT to “INvalidate” what your H is experiencing.

If the injury / pain comes from his lower back (and if docs don’t think this would be dangerous), you can get your H used ski poles for support and go for short evening walks together.  My ex-H and I did this for his back.  I also showed him some gentle stretches that I’d do on the bed with him and then I made him soaking baths with bubbles and Epsom salts.  Most people WILL do things to feel better.  It hurts to feel your partner in pain.  And that’s exactly what you can tell your H... that is hurts you to see him in pain like this.

I understand that when your H is in constant pain it’s very very difficult to work on any other parts of the relationship.

Please keep posting.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[StuckKitten]

The medical system can be slow as molasses... have the docs ordered MRI, other scans / tests to see what “structural” injuries may be at play here?  During medical crises like these, we HAVE to become somewhat pushy, become our own advocates.  Insurers do NOT want to pay for ANYTHING until all other avenues have been exhausted, which is often more dangerous.

They've done scans last year and they didn't find anything. His doctor just told him that his insurance won't pay for another one but they're referring him to a pain management specialist. He hasn't sounded too thrilled about it but I've been encouraging him to at least try it and see how it works out. He's definitely feeling discouraged about going to see doctors when all they told him is that they haven't found anything and don't do anything afterwards. So hopefully this works out for him!

Since you've told me about the validation tools, it's been easier to talk to him about it all so thank you for the reference and advice!

The only time I have trouble is when I feel like my own feelings aren't being validated during an arguement so it causes me to shut down. I know it isn't good so it's something I need to work on as well. He just gets so angry so quick and he will interrupt me in the middle of the arguement while I'm trying to tell him how I feel, which then causes me to get so frustrated. Balancing validating his feelings while also trying to get my point across is definetly very challenging! Doesn't help that I'm a people pleaser either.