Avoiding break-up

[lionessa]

Hi all:
 This is my first post. I feel I need some help here, because I feel so alone.
Just few days ago, I discovered that my partner (rough relationship) has very strong traits of having BPD. I met a guy 9 months ago, and we started off as friends, in 3 months we found ourselves in relationship. That was like a honey- moon- fantastic.
Before I found out he can have BPD, our relationship (6 months) suffered arguments and  series of break- up's suggestions on his part, that confused me to the point of ending relationship with him. We still remained friends, and I do have feelings for him and I think he has feelings for me.  Looking back,  I have seen borderline traits, and signs that I was disregarded after my break up. Example: He was vegetarian when we were together after break up he started  eating meat right away just because he was angry with me.  No close friends. Avoidant. There was a suicide attempt when he was in relationship with soon to be ex- wife. He is going through divorce now, so his emotions  are extreme. Otherwise, very loving, affectionate, apologizing for his behavior toward me. Now, he wants me back (he said that in his mind I was always there and never left), shows feelings for me, can see that he hurts me, but still cannot open up and be on the same page with me.  He blames himself for being a mess, but cannot imagine me being with anyone else. He wants us to live together as soon as his divorce is over,  but I am afraid of getting hurt.
I feel that I was rescuer all this time and I did damage to our relationship as well by not finding out sooner and took things more personally, which made him more stressed out. Then his BPD behavior showed up fully.
Anyway, I am not sure what to do? Is there anyone who can help me to understand? Thank you so much

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome. 

You are in the right place to talk with people who get it and can help support you as you navigate your way through all of the information here.   

I think it is natural and even good that you feel cautious about getting back together.  It is common to be a rescuer in these sorts of relationships and that is not good for either of you or the relationship.  We have tools and strategies that can help you improve things for you and give you ways to cope with your own relationship behaviors in addition to coping with his (or any ones really).  One more piece of good news is that things can get better for you regardless of what may happen in the relationship.  So we can help you figure out what path you want to take.

I think a good way to start to understand what you went through would be to read the threads of others and also the articles we have tacked to the top of this board.  There is a lot of stuff though so take it slow.

BTW, how far along is he in his divorce? 

[lionessa]

Thank you Harri:
 I am in difficult situation and broke with him just this morning. I cannot even find any words to describe it. Last night he admitted to be talking to some girl, who texted him as well in the morning at 6 AM.  ( but the day before he asked me to move in with him!) He said he never saw her, but I cannot trust him. Yesterday he left me waiting for him with dinner for extra 2.5 hours before he showed up. When he pulled in to his apartment complex, I saw him returning back to his car and talking on the phone for a minute or so. Before that I tried calling his phone but had no answer.
We had an argument, but of course he was taking things lightly and belittling my emotions and fears. Being sarcastic, joking, not at all understanding my feelings or showing his. I am so exhausted. I just found out about his very probable diagnosis of BPD (few days ago), and I was not prepared to handle anything. He showed no feelings whatsoever, trying to hug me from time to time as nothing had happened and joking around and doing his house chores. Argument lasted for hours into the night. I felt so alone and depressed, so sad.
I fell asleep in his apartment, the drive to my place was too long at this hour.
This is the first man that I was dating that I had a suspicion of him cheating on me. and to me this is a deal breaker. Not dealing with my emotions, no support and visible sign of girl texting
Called me already 3 times to see if i can help him with divorce, and other time with irrelevant thing, AS IF NOTHING HAPPEND! I didn't answer. I cannot talk to him, I feel betrayed, exhausted, and confused.  When i was driving to see him i found myself to be sad looking, when I was supposed to look happy. I guess walking on eggshells had its toll on me. I am not myself. I look and feel depressed and I am usually a cheerful person. I know him as of October ( his divorce proceedings stated in September month before that), but I cannot deal with his personality. My love alone will not sustain that relationship, and keep both of us in afloat. I have never experienced being with someone who is so extreme. I feel so mentally abused and worthless at this moment. I wish I knew it sooner. I would save myself a lot of drama.