my head is spinning and I don't know where to start

[another human]

Hello Out There.
I feel lonely and alienated. My partner is especially intelligent and articulate, and I imagine that most people who know me or my wife have little idea of what our family dynamic is really like. (With a couple of life-giving exceptions: a friend who lived with us a few years ago, and our couples therapist.) I don't understand it myself. I will try to give an example: 

She signed up for graduate school and also a separate internship without us making that decision together.  I ended up doing almost 70 percent of the childcare. I'm at risk of loosing my job if I don't start working more. She said when the semester ended she would do more of the childcare. She took on one more evening, and now she says she is doing half. (But that is not what I calculate).  I LOVE taking care of our daughter. And I wonder if it would be better for our daughter and help our daughter calm down if I were to take care of her more. But I want to keep my job.  I have been working less than 30 hours per week. I make most of our income.

But It is not mainly that I want my partner to help more with household responsibilities like childcare, although I desperately do wish for more support from somewhere. She said she finds it hard to take care of our daughter for more than 3 hours at a time. I can respect that -- we have different capacities. The thing that for me I just can't stand is the lack of shared reality. She has a very different take on all of this. One that makes it my fault. I can't seem to make peace with working this hard and still being blamed for her feeling overburdened. Ideally I would not much care what anyone thinks of me, but I'm not there yet.

I am longing for emotional safety (from temper outbursts and shouting), clarity about what is going on, understanding of my own feelings, and empowerment.

Does anyone reading this have empathy or experience to offer on finding clarity?  Finding clarity in a relationship with someone who is quite a wordsmith? Or on finding support? Or other insights?

Hoping for help.

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[Arizona]

Hello another human

Thank you for sharing. I can totally relate with that lack of reality that they defend and stick to while you remain in distress. Making sense of things for myself and unfortunately letting go of the expectation of their behaviors making sense has helped me. Its one of the hardest things to do...to accept that they are ill. Its a form of grief we all end up going through. You are not alone. Many of my colleagues and friends have no idea how insane things can be and how quickly they can change. I'm not someone that others' would think would "put up" with what happens in the relationship...but you have to be in something similar to understand. You're not alone.

Look up the escaping conflict reading under resources on BPD Family. This was very helpful for me to stop trying to manage my partners inconsistent and nonsensical behaviors.