So, I Guess We Really Will Never Speak Again

[Mergirl]

I'm feeling so bad.

Not a peep in over two weeks now. And things ended so badly after being really bad for a while.

I never got to apologize for my side of things and I can't handle the guilt and shame. Plus, I know in her mind, I'm to blame for everything. She even thinks I did thinks that I'm completely innocent of.

She said towards the end during a fight that I'll never change. That's not true. This has hurt me so much and so deeply and I've been so alone with it, that I've had no choice but to reflect upon the relationship and how I handled things. I just didn't know and reacted out of extreme fear, hurt and anger.

I wrote my very very long story in another thread for anyone who actually read it.

I'm trying to respect her wishes to not talk anymore. But this isn't what I wanted. I thought she still cared about me but it's clear she doesn't. I thought maybe she would miss me by now despite all the toxicity between us but it's clear she doesn't.

I know she's already trying to replace me. Which won't be hard for her. We weren't together for very long at all.

I just don't know what to do.

So, I guess they just cut and run and make you feel so much regret and remorse and then never even give you a chance to express it, huh?

I miss her so much and I really care about her. Everyday gets harder not to hear from her but I know I probably never will again. Or if I do, it will be too late after we have both moved on, etc.

Is there anything I can do? I screwed up so bad. We both did but it doesn't sound like she sees that I only behaved the way I did to protect myself after things got really scary.

I think the blocking hurts the most. The cruelty and then the complete ignoring as if I don't exist. Not returning my important things. Nothing. I wake up in a panic every morning remembering that I'm not going to talk to her today. Or probably any day. Ever again. Things got so bad with her and between us but I still had so much hope.

All I can imagine is she's replaced me already. Or trying hard to.

I don't know. None of this makes any sense. I've learned to try not to post too much detail here anymore because I'm afraid she will find these posts someday. It would truly be a very bad situation for me. I wish I didn't share so much but it's too late and I don't have anyone else to talk to about this.

I still don't know if what I just experienced was someone with bpd or something else.

Is there ever a chance you hear from them again even if you feel like they hate you and never want to speak to you again? And kind of said as much? She fears me now too. And that breaks my heart. I would have never hurt her. But she frightened me beyond words and I had to protect myself somehow.

I thought maybe I might get an apology but that's not going to happen either apparently. I'm just being blocked out, forgotten about. Like I never existed to her and I tried so so hard for months to do what I could to help. She'll never see it though.

IS there anything I can do? It's hopeless right? Not even expecting to get back together at this point but at least to talk and be on good terms. But I truly feel like she despises me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Mergirl, I'm so sorry your going through this. Virtual hugs to you   

It's very strange that I'm in a very similar situation right now, and I'm not even sure my gf has BPD. Prior to her, I did have a multi year relationship with an exgf that had been professionally diagnosed with BPD. Even though I learned a lot about myself from this prior relationship, since my current gf broke up with me, I've been a total wreck. It felt like we were perfect for each other, and we didn't have the drama that I previously experienced with my past BPD exgf (who cheated on me) - drama that seems very similar to what you've experienced with your gf. So even relationships that seem good on the surface can end it seems.

I understand the anxiety and fear that you'll never hear her voice again and never experience her love again because that is the same exact feeling I have had both times with my exgf and current (ex?)gf. Every day for the last two weeks I've woken up with a stomachache, chest pain, and headache from the anxiety and panic due to the feeling that I've lost the love of my life.

I don't want to give you false hope but my exgf with BPD, she cheated and I broke up with her. Then months later we ran into each other on accident and we ended up getting back together. We lasted a couple more years and then she broke up with me. Leave out the BPD and it sounds like almost any other relationship that ran it's course and ended, right?

You can't know exactly what your gf is thinking in her head, even if she didn't have BPD, right? When suddenly we're dumped by our SO, it hurts regardless. I miss waking up next to her listening to her breathe/snore and seeing her hair on the pillow. I miss the fun times we had just enjoying each other's company. My friends told me it wasn't me, I tried my best. And the truth is we can only play the cards we're dealt, use the tools we know about.

If it were your best friend in your situation, what would you tell them? How would you help them and comfort them?

[hopeandbelief]

Is there ever a chance you hear from them again even if you feel like they hate you and never want to speak to you again? And kind of said as much? She fears me now too. And that breaks my heart. I would have never hurt her. But she frightened me beyond words and I had to protect myself somehow.

I thought maybe I might get an apology but that's not going to happen either apparently. I'm just being blocked out, forgotten about. Like I never existed to her and I tried so so hard for months to do what I could to help. She'll never see it though.

IS there anything I can do? It's hopeless right? Not even expecting to get back together at this point but at least to talk and be on good terms. But I truly feel like she despises me.

Hey Mergirl, I'm really sorry you're going through such a difficult time. Most of us have been there before and it's a relief to share our stories here and meet people who understand what we're going through.

I'm a bit new to this board as well, so I'm not sure I can give good advice. I just wanted to say I feel the exactly same way as of the part of your text I'm quoting. It's the worst feeling ever to see someone that showed us so much love and affection (and of course, we felt the same way) to suddendly hate you and even fear you. It happened to me and if it wasn't for therapy I'd probably lose my mind. Stay strong. Get information about the disorder.

What I've learnt is that people affected by BPD think with emotions and they have emotional dysregulation, meaning everything they feel, they feel with too much intensity. It took more than a month for my ex-partner to even be able to look me in the eyes again (we live in the same apartment complex and have commom friends so we bump into each other quite often), as the break-up was too intense and she felt like I hurt her too much - and believe me, she was the one that broke up with me, I was just trying to understand why and making a few questions about it. Things slowly got better after a while but are still far from what I'd call good terms, unfortunately.

I'm honestly not trying to give you hope for a reconciliation or a future friendship with your partner, I'm just writing a bit of my experience. Each person with BPD acts and thinks differently as they are still unique individuals. What really helped me to be a bit more prepared for this situation was therapy and A LOT of information about the disorder. One thing that really helped me too was learn to not take things personal when they are too agressive. It's a very difficult task, but you can only get better at it while trying and experiencing such a confuse relationship.

Stay strong! I wish you all the best!

[babyducks]

hi Mergirl,

I can hear your desperate desire to have some contact with your gf.    I remember being in a similar situation.     Still there is no way for us or anyone to predict what she could or would do.

Each person with BPD acts and thinks differently as they are still unique individuals.

hopeandbelief got it right.     people with BPD (pwBPD) are unique individuals who think and act in their own way.   she might contact you, she might not.    what is important is that you work to heal yourself so regardless of what happens you are in the best possible place to respond.

I know that isn't easy.   start small.   be good to yourself.     distract yourself from ruminating about what happened.    and keep posting.    writing it out helps.

'ducks

[GoblinMom]

I'm saying this because I'm old enough to be your mother and you should be out there enjoying life and being around people who support you and get along with you, not trying to fix people who have very complicated problems.

Don't you guys notice that you tend to gravitate to partners that have BPD (diagnosed and undiagnosed) and all of you end up getting hurt?.  That's because they have a serious mental illness and they want partners who will take care of them 100% because that's what makes them feel secure.  So when they see that you can't provide that for them (because you're human and you have your own needs) they leave.

You cannot fix them because you can't fix genes and low dopamine and dysregulation of multiple things with love.  Believe me, I tried.  Insisting on staying with people who have such unstable feelings is not going to make you or them  feel secure or loved or safe and all of you deserve much better. 

I know it's not what you wanted to hear and I am sorry but when we truly love someone we want what's best for them and what they need is a non stressful environment and good therapists to help them. 

Take care.  Go do something fun to take your mind off of this. Join a gym, eat better, meditate, Talk to people who care about you,  You know what it's like to be miserable, now try something different, because the way you're going doesn't lead to Happyville.   
Okay, I better stop before they kick me out.