My child with BPD is 51

[Parents! Get help here!]

I really should know by now with my daughter just celebrating her 51st birthday just how to cope with her illness, but I'm still confused.  For years I've blamed myself,
what am I doing wrong to her or for her.  On top of that I was made to feel guilty that all her problems are a result of what I did to her by my mother.
  I subscribed to the site to try and find answers.   

[Hopeful430]

I really should know by now with my daughter just celebrating her 51st birthday just how to cope with her illness, but I'm still confused.  For years I've blamed myself,
what am I doing wrong to her or for her.  On top of that I was made to feel guilty that all her problems are a result of what I did to her by my mother.
  I subscribed to the site to try and find answers.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Hopeful430

Welcome to the family  It surely can be confusing you are not on your own there. I'm glad you've joined us for support as you search for answers and solutions to your situation along with others here.

Can you share a bit about your relationship and the behaviours you are dealing with. Does your daughter live independently, work, in treatment...?

Welcome again 

WDx

[Huat]

Welcome Hopeful430.

Seems you and I have some things in common.  My daughter is 52.  In her thinking, seems I, too, am the cause of all her life-problems.  It has only been in the last few years that I have been able to shed the guilt and get on with life.  As the saying goes...never too late!

I echo Wendydarling's questions in asking you to share more about what is going on in your life, in your relationship with your daughter.  Has she been officially diagnosed as having BPD?  Is she in a relationship?  Are there grandchildren you worry about?

Share as much or as little as you like and I hope this forum becomes as helpful to you as it has been to me.

Once again, welcome.

Huat

[Hopeful430]

Thank you so much for replying to my post.  It's funny because I was going through my folders on my email acct and came across this one and saw that I joined in 2019.  I don't remember it because I was still grieving for my husband that died in April of 2018.  I wasn't myself for a long time.  But I'm happy I found you.

My daughter has many health issues due to the weight she's been carrying for 50 yrs.  We both never came to terms with my younger daughters death.  I was a single parent after having been married at 18 and divorced at 23.  Raised my two girls alone, we were
like sisters.  My ex-husband was an alcoholic and I blamed my older
daughter's problem on heredity.  My daughter who died was completely different.  H's husband died in 2010, they never had
any children but they did adopt an older girl K at 11 who I regard as my granddaughter.  K is now 30 and has emotional problems as a result of the way she was brought up.  So I've got all
these issues surrounding me.  
I never looked for any help from anybody except my husband who passed away, with all these problems.  I think that has been my problem.  I should have.  

Thanks,
Hopeful430

[Huat]

Hello again Hopeful433!

Glad you came back...sorry you felt the need...but then, that is why we are all here.  We are all in need of baring our souls, getting validated by others but also getting comfort in reaching out to others.  I so hope participating here will help in your healing because the healing of ourselves is first and foremost thing to do. 

I am so, so sorry to read of all the terrible things that have happened in your family over the years.  So, so much to deal with and now having to figure things out with your newly diagnosed BPD daughter is indeed burdening.

All of us have things in our pasts that we wish had been handled differently.  They "should" have been handled differently...but "could" they?  My favourite mantra in my healing has been "I did the best I could and when I knew better I did better and will continue to do so."  I am learning to be kind to myself.  I wish the same process for you, my fellow 70+-year-old.  It is up to us to make these remaining sunset years as golden as possible.

I so urge you to do your homework by searching through all the information that is available on this site and there are links to more.  By all means keep posting!   There are suggested techniques to follow when interacting with these difficult/trouble people who share our lives...but no magic answers.  It is baby steps, baby steps.

Hopeful433, over the years have you ever had the opportunity to speak with a therapist for yourself?  The right therapist can make all the difference in how you learn to look after yourself.  I have done that a few times and it was life-saving for me.

Glad you are back...looking forward to walking with you.

((HUGS)….from Huat

[Thanks]

Right there with you - my BPD daughter is 49 and there have been so many years of confusion and hurt. Guilt too, b/c I was a single mom when she was young, and she was born when I was very young. But I've come to realize, like the other mom said above, I did the best I could, and none of us can do more. Learning everything I can about BPD has helped me tremendously in terms of how I view her, and interact with her. Things really can get better - but this is one time to put yourself first and get all the support you can.
Very best wishes!