And what I'm becoming is disturbing me.
Hi I'm new and feeling glad to be here
Superb organization and resources, wow. Now hopefully I don't bungle it up and post in the wrong place
I used to know who I was. I think. Memories of who I used to be feel flimsy, like a dream. Have I
been the very thing I suspect... or believe, my husband to be? I have read so many things on Narcissistic Personality traits and disorders, BPD, Antisocial, Sociopaths, Psychopaths... wanting to figure out what happened to us; what was going on with
him.
Now I question my own thoughts and objectives on that matter. Now, when I read the traits for a person with BPD or NPD and others, I can't tell if they not only sound like
him, but also me, and then it sounds like everyone. And what if my memories are wrong? What if all this time I thought I was 'that' person, but actually, I'm '
this' person? Or can I become the very thing I am trying to break free of? Or was it me all this time? My husband often says, "You can't see yourself or hear the things you say. You don't know how you treat people."
I used to feel sure of things, and now it doesn’t feel worth the effort to be sure. I hadn't read anything on personality disorders since Psych 101. Then one night, almost 5 years ago, I saw a title for a video on YouTube "Wolf in Sheep's Clothing - Covert Narcissists," or something to that effect, and clicked on it. I didn't sleep that night. I bought a book, read another, then another... It was the first time I heard or read anyone else describe what I was experiencing. To my knowledge, my husband has not been diagnosed as having any kind of disorder. He is currently in treatment.
Almost exactly one year ago today, I became aware not only of behavior patterns, but a pattern of occurrence and frequency. There even seems to be ‘seasons’, when the frequency of occurrences increases rapidly and the momentum will last for months. Then we’ll have a period of peace, typically lasting three weeks after the ‘season’ is over. Once it starts up again, the longest duration of peaceful time we can typically expect is two weeks tops, in between that the ‘episodes’ average four times a week. It’s exhausting. I’ve watched my friend count (real life, not online) dwindle down to one and a half as I’ve run out of excuses and energy. We can always count on something happening during weekends, birthdays, vacations and holidays. All our family’s special or memorable occasions are moments I’d also like to forget. We haven't slept in the same room for four years now.
Just weeks ago, a pattern of behavior finally found its way into my awareness: his coup de grâce, that is anything but merciful. I don’t know why I wasn’t able to identify it as a pattern for so long, because my worst memories of us were born from it. When I'm at my lowest point, at my most vulnerable, or literally on the floor begging him for forgiveness or for mercy- that is when he says or does the cruelest things, and it leaves me utterly breathless.
He's very good. He's CIA good. His gas lighting is top notch and could have me doubting my memory of something he said in less than 2 minutes after saying it. I was holding in there for a while. Now I feel I don’t have much fight left in me.
I'm an intelligent woman. Or, I was. My brain fog is so bad now that I forget commonly used words in the middle of my sentence. My health is deteriorating rapidly now. I haven't had a bowel movement since he came back home after our week long trial separation, and he’s been home for two weeks. It’s not as bad as it sounds because I’ve hardly been eating.
I do not know what is happening to me emotionally, but there seems to be a churning vortex of particular emotions that are separate from the rest... and there's a distance. It's like I am aware of these emotions, rather than feeling them. Now and then any number of these emotions find their way to the surface, but it quickly passes.
I used to cry easily… I guess I still do maybe. I recently watched the Virunga documentary on Netflix (yeah, a little late on that one) and I was sobbing, so, there’s still hope for me. ‘Stuff’ between my husband and I had me in tears on the regular averaging 3 times a week. Now, I have to will myself to shed a single tear for him or us.
I pinned something a couple years ago about brainwashing and found it again the other night. It was from BPD Central. That's how I found my way here. The pin said: The techniques of brainwashing are simple: isolate the victim (check), expose them to inconsistent messages (check), mix with sleep deprivation (check), add some form of abuse (check, check, check), get the person to doubt what they know and feel (check), keep them on their toes (so much check), and stir well (vortex…)
I used to be a very confident gal. Now I am caged by my own fear and anxiety. I get separation anxiety before I leave the house. So much of my time and energy is spent responding to his texts or engaged in an argument or unwittingly taking his passive-aggressive bait. I see a therapist regularly but it's not a quick fix. I've become part of the problem, or was from the very beginning. The hardest thing for me seems to be separating myself from his words and actions and carrying on with life. I used to have the "just do it" attitude, and now it's more like, "just... what?"
I have been a stay at home mom for 10 years, my husband makes a six figure income. If I left I would have next to nothing and he's threatened to take the kids from me so many times, has taken so many photos and video of me for 'evidence I'm crazy,' threatens taking money, my car, or just that I'll... "pay." I feel paralyzed, like a deer in headlights.
I think writing this has been cathartic because my energy has completely drained and I think I'm going to go lay down and sleep now.
Thank you for your time.
